Prayer

Today is the National Day of Prayer. It's a day to pray for our leaders and our nation. I invite you to visit the National Day of Prayer website today for more information.

http://nationaldayofprayer.org/

This morning I am praying for our Nation, but I'm also praying for this young girl. 

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This beautiful young girl is Ruby Contreras. She is 14 and lives in my town (or city - we are in the burbs). She is a Middle School student who was last since April 24th leaving school. She is believed to be with a 26 year old man that she met online. They were last seen in El Paso, Texas. Here is a video from our local news.

View more videos at: http://nbcdfw.com.

If you follow me on facebook you are thinking "you are obsessed with this case, Dana." That could be a somewhat true statement and let me tell you why - that could have been me. My heart ached as the details started to unravel about this story. With each detail I was brought back to an indecent I got myself involved in when I was just 13. I am not ready for details, let me just tell you that I praise God this morning that I was safely brought out of the situation - I was not smart. I made what could have been a life changing mistake. That day and the what ifs are really messing with me as I pray for Ruby. 

11:52 pm on 5/2/13 Post Edit: Ruby has been found safe in Mexico. They have her and the man in custody. The authorities are working with the Mexican authorities to get her back to the United States. Again, please pray for this young girl. Her life has been changed this week. I am in tears and praising the Lord that she was found safe. 

I pray that she returns home safely and I pray for her spirit. No matter the outcome this is going to leave a mark on the rest of her life. I pray for understanding of God's plan for her life. I'm praying hard for this girl. 

Not only does it make me deal with the mistakes of my young life; it makes prepare for another serious discussion with Shelby about internet safety and things people will tell you to lead you astray (physically and mentally). I was about to say it tough raising kids these days, but I'm reminded that that could of been me twenty-two years ago long before internet was common thing. Scary. 

In the timely manner that God has I read an article yesterday written by Jennifer K Dean and released by Faithlife Women called Parenting by Prayer. Let me share a few parts that stuck out to me then I invite you to go read the entire article. 

They discuss how you "cannot parent character into your children". Dean stated, You can correct and punish him when you catch him lying; you can teach him honestly by example; you can show him videos and read him stories that teach honesty; you can lead him to memorize Scriptures about honesty. Oh, my I did all of these over the weekend along with having Shelby write "I will not lie" about 300 times followed by bible verse that back up my point. 

Dean continues, By doing these things, you will certainly lay the groundwork and give him the tools to live honestly, but you cannot make him honest. Why? Because truth has to reside in his innermost being, and you cannot put truth into his innermost being. That's something God has to do. 

Only God can out truth and wisdom inside your child. 

Dean goes on to talk about praying in the spirit not in the flesh. See if this sound as familiar to you as it did to me. She says, Our flesh will pray, "Don't let anything bad happen." To which the Lord will say, "I need to allow disappointment, pain, and failure so that I can give him the treasures of darkness and the riches stored in secret places." I was told by a wise woman (Kasey Van Norman) to question the use of scripture. This statement is pulled from Isaiah 45:3. I'm officially putting it on my list of things to do today to make sure I like the way it's used here. I'll do a post edit later if I don't care for it - it may take me a bit. 

Anyway, please go read the entire article: Parenting by Prayer

And now take a deep breath as I am having to do this morning. I leave you with this token that has touched me this morning.  

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Morgan's Baptism

Morgan's Baptism was on April 21st. We had a private baptism at 5 with a dinner to follow. 

Both of my younger girls are blessed to have their grandfather (JAGdad) baptism them. It's a tradition that will mean so much to them when they are older. 

Each one of my girls have this little lamb print with their baptism date. I love them. 

Us with JAGdad and Morgan's sponsors: Pastor Bill and one of my best friends, Quenby.

The family. 

This is Sue. We call her Granny-Sue. I could spend an entire week writing about this woman. She is means the world to me and to my girls. She gifted Morgan with her bonnet which is actually a handkerchief that she will carry on her wedding day. JAG and I actually had a strong debate over naming Moran after Sue - Morgan Sue, but we went with Lynne to honor JAG's grandmother. 

Morgan and her Godfather

Morgan and her big sister

Morgan and her Godmother

Now on to the celebration!
I knew I wanted to use the burlap and lace theme. Lace is expensive so I threw some pink in.

Cake table with banner

I debated on a dessert table or cake. Cake was a last minute decision and I picked this one up at Sam's the day before.

Instead of a guest book I had everyone write a message and a scripture verse on a small doilies card (created by my friend Laura's mother). I plan to attach them into a book for Morgan.

I created the scrap banner - It probably could have used an ironing, but turned out better then I thought.

For center pieces I kept it simple with Mason jars, burlap and paper doilies.
My girlfriends' daughters helped arrange baby's breath and carnations in the large jar before the event.

We had about fifty people attend and served brisket with all the fixings.

Morgan and her grandfather.

And I could not have pulled it off without these women.
They helped me pick out the right shoes.
Set up tables
Dealt with the caterer
Helped dress Morgan
Helped clean up afterwards
Washed many a white tablecloth after the event
and just kept me sane.
They mean the world to me!

Testimony

This is a deep and somewhat odd topic for me to go off on. I am sure by the end of this post I will have annoyed a few people, but inspired others…I am writing for the ones who will be inspired…not annoyed (sorry).

The other day during my bible study class we briefly discussed the topic of having a testimony. I don’t know how it came up…I probably brought it up as I do many off the topic conversations…God love the women you put up with me every Sunday morning.

I was raised believing that I needed a good Testimony to be taken seriously in church. An “introduce yourself” was a good five minute “let me tell you the fires I’ve walked through to get here.” My belief has changed some. I believe everyone has a story and many have a story where they came to know God as their Lord in Savior. I envy (I know I shouldn’t envy, but…) those who have known God from a young age and have stayed on their God path. I am who I am due to my path straying, but I would love to know what’s it’s like to live that life. While, I believe in having a story and sharing your story when you feel called to, I don’t think that your testimony determines how much of a Christian you are (not sure if that makes since to you or not).

I feel like I have been blessed (if you could call it that) with three testimonies.

My first testimony was developed in my late teens it went something like this: I started experimenting with alcohol and drugs at the young at of fourteen. This along with a poor choice in friends led me to being a high school drop out living in a station wagon on the beach at the age of seventeen. I reached my breaking point and decided the drugs were not for me to which my friends told me that I either did them or I should leave. I left. I asked my family to move me back to Dallas to stay with my Meme and they had me in a car in the next day (I love them sooooo much for that). A short time later my best friend that I lived with in South Texas overdosed and almost lost her life that was a huge confirmation to me that I did the right thing. I enrolled in high school and wound up graduating on time because of how far ahead I was in school before the drugs really took over. I worked hard and I overcame my mistakes…I did it…I was a survivor.

My second testimony for my mid-twenties: I found myself single and pregnant at the age of 23. I had a large weight of guilt and hardly any self-worth. I met the woman who would be come one of my mentors and she took me to a bible church and where  they welcomed the hot mess I had become with open arms. I threw myself in the word and learned as much as I could about forgiveness. I had my daughter and raised her as single parent depending primarily on my income with a little help from my parents. I met a wonderful guy when I was 24 and we were married just before I turned 27. I had a family. This in combination with my first testimony was a good start for me…I felt like I had been through my share of issues and had a story to share with the world.

Today (my 3^rd testimony): After a bad breakup of a not so great marriage I started over with a terrible fall. I had three of the worst years of my life which led me to my knees one night alone in a house I bought, but couldn’t stand to be in. Let me tell you that to me, my first two testimonies are all about “me”, what I did that bettered my life, the steps I took to overcome myself – this third one is all about God. I have had huge dose of grace and restoration. The only person I credit my current life to is My Lord and Savior! I have been given a restart on my life – I have been forgiven for all my past digressions. It’s an amazing feeling and it’s timely – I don’t think the twenty year old me could handle what all I’ve been given in life.

I have been blessed with a husband who is so amazing. I can’t put into words on most days what it has meant to have him. The Lord has blessed me with a beautiful eleven year old daughter who has been so resilient through all my trials. She’s what kept me going many days and now we are both being blessed. I've been give the opportunity to have two more daughters – a big responsibility that I am grateful to have in my thirties.

My excitement and my happiness with my life may be annoying and fake to some people, but it’s so true and such awesome experience…I strongly suggest seeking it out and giving it a try.

The Skeleton at the feast is YOU: Battling Bitterness

I want to ask you a question and then talk about it some today.

Have we forgiven correctly if we hold bitterness?

Have we forgiven correctly if these statements come from our mouth?

Why should they experience happiness after what happened?

That person does not deserve good after what he did to me and he definitely does not deserve to have a good time with my child.

Why is he coming out of this like none of this was his fault?

I have to admit I have said a few of those things – one of them is my favorite, but I won’t share with you which because I think they are all wrong – at least I think that is what I think. Bear with me, I want to walk you through my thinking and see if we come out on the same page in the end. You have a second? Good, get comfortable.

Let’s start with a dictionary.

Merian Webster defines Bitter as

          Marked by intensity or severity

          Accompanied by severe paid or suffering

          Being relentlessly determined

          Exhibiting intense animosity

Animosity is defined by Webter as ill will or resentment tending toward active hostility.

So, now lets look at Forgiveness (or forgive)

          To give up resentment of or claim to requital for

          To grant relief from payment of

          To cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

The antonym of forgive is resent.

Now that we have the sixth grade English lesson over let’s talk about this conundrum we have ourselves in because if you are anything like me it’s hard to give up that resentment when our scars still have not healed.

Let me tell you that this is not an x-wife thing or a woman thing. You could have bitterness towards your parents, towards an old bully from school or someone who has hurt you and your family.

I once sat in a sermon led by Barry Jones at Irving Bible Church and he called what we do Relational Pong. Most of you remember the lovely Atari game Pong – you know two paddles and a little ball that bounced back and forth on the screen. Your only job was to give your opponent back what he was giving you (the little white ball). Melinda and I would play this game for hours, but I don’t think I was that good at it then.

As an adult have mastered, with some embarrassment, the game of Relational Pong. You give me a zinger and I will give it right back to you. You raise your voice at me and I will scream even louder at you. It’s not good, it’s not healthy and it’s nothing to be awarded for.

Barry Jones, said The only way to stop playing Pong is to forgive.

In Ephesians Paul wrote

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry – but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the devil that kind of foothold in your life. Ephesians 4:31-32 (MSG)

He continued this point with

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)

Before I go any further let’s talk about what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is not the same as Forgetting. There are things you could never forget and there are things are not healthy for you to forget. The last thing I want you to do is to act like this never happened. If you know me you know that I have had more things happen in my first 34 years on this earth then most people. I have been tested, I have failed, I have been hurt and I have hurt others. Never once did I stand in front of anyone and say oh let’s just forget that. Every bit of my struggle has molded me into the person I am today – it has caused me to evaluate things differently and make new decision to walk new paths in my life. Please don’t forget – that could be dangerous, but forgive.

Forgiveness is not the same as Condoning. As Ephesians 4:26 says above You do well to be angry. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did to you is ok. It’s also not making excuses like Oh, he was in a bad spot in his life. Jones said in his sermon, God does not want us to excuse evil. The first step in forgiving someone is condemning them – you have to say what they did.

Forgiveness is not the same as Reconciling. I feel as if my old best friend and I have forgiven each other for the actions that caused our 20 year friendship to end, but I have to tell you we will probably never reconcile. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean a magic wand has been waved and things will go back to the way they were before. God wants us to reconcile with each other, though. He wants us to love each other, but forgiveness is a process and no wand, no matter how much it costs, can put things back to the way they were before. Reconciliation requires two parties – forgiveness is something you can do alone, it all starts with your heart.

Oh, I could sit here and recite many scriptures from the bible that tell you, you need to forgive like Matthew 6:14-5 and Mark 11:25, but what I want to tell you is I feel your pain. I understand the feeling of wanting grace for yourself, but justice for the person who did you harm. I have made myself curl up in a ball and cry for hours over the bitterness and resentment I hold against people who have wronged me. Forgiving someone is a painful process, but not forgiving them or not forgiving them properly is far more painful. Seriously, look at it, I mean who was I hurting crying in self pity about things that caused me pain. Am I hurting him? Does he feel anything as I am locked in my bedroom crying? Nope, he feels nothing – I am not doing anything to him, I am just causing pain to myself. I am the one licking my wounds and feeding my anger.

Fedrick Buecher was quoted as saying, of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is the possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back –in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.

The Skeleton at the feast is YOU. Harboring resentment, holding on to the past and not fully forgiving is sucking the life out us.

Now you ask – Ok, Dana how in the world do I get the bitterness and resentment out of my life so I can forgive fully and correctly?

To this question I throw my hands up in the air and say I don’t know so I suggest you pray about it all. Was that a copout? Let me tell you this dear friend, I am still working on it too and as I learn new things I will share them with you. We can beat this together. I just need one promise from you: pray for me as I will pray for you.

I invite you to go to Irving Bible Church’s website and listen to Barry Jones’ sermon from November 8, 2009 – you can find it here:

Forgive Us Our Debts

If you are a new or re-committed believer and need a bible please let me know! I prefer the NIV Starting Point Study Bible which is out of print, but I have two copies on my bookcase that are eager to find new homes and I will track down twenty more if I need to do so. You can read more about my love for the NIV Starting Point Study Bible, here.

Want to pray, but not sure how to even go about it? You can read more about prayer, here.

And just to make sure all my bases are covered if I say find it here all you have to do is click on the word here and you will directed to the blog entry I am mentioning. I want to make sure everyone gets to where they need to be. 

My Psalm 37:4

Recently a childhood friend of mine post this to facebook:

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of something we don’t have but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.  Frederick Keonig

It hit home especially since this is the time of year where my Amazon wish list gets bigger by the day and I find myself questioning if I can keep the dollar bill I found in Shelby’s laundry. 

I was given a big gift this year – I know you are thinking I am meaning the seven pound gift I was given almost 3 months ago – no it is bigger. 

I was given the picture I have always wanted.

loving my big fake smile at the end, right?

Yes it’s a photo booth picture – from my cousin’s wedding to be exact, but it’s so much more. Look deeper, do you see it?

It’s a family. It’s the family that I have dreamed of for years. It’s my Psalm 37:4 – I challenge you to look it up.

I have to step back this time of year, take a deep breath and remember I am Blessed – Blessed beyond words for I put my trust, my life, in the hands of my Heavenly Father and He in turn has given me a gift that’s joy leaves me speechless. It that moment that inhale and tears feel my eyes – I am blessed. 

So, do you? Do you snag the dollar bill that your child left in the clothes? I mean it could be a fee for doing their laundry, right?

Is Your Tree Planted Near the Water?

Last night I finished Jennifer Beckham’s book Get Over Yourself! 7 Principles to Get Over Your Past and on with Your Purpose.  I strongly suggest that you pick a copy up for yourself – you will hear me reference many times in the future – I marked it up like crazy which is an indication of a good book.

In her chapter regarding getting a new attitude Beckham makes you aware of the difference between studying and reading of the bible then she suggests for you to do a “word study.” A “word study” is where you take a topic you are struggling with for instance anger and look it up in the bible using a concordance.

I have kept it no secret that I have had extreme anxiety during this pregnancy – not only fear regarding the pregnancy, but regarding everything from the house catching on fire to my husband leaving me – yes my anxiety is sometime stupid with no reason to actual have this fear. Beth Moore says it is passed through hereditary and I agree – my Meme used to worry tons, my mom worries and I got the worry-wort gene – I hope to not pass it along to Shelby, but she already shows signs of fear over things you shouldn’t worry about.

Yesterday afternoon I hit bible gateway and did a topical search for Anxiety which lead me to six verses in the bible. Then last night I laid out three bibles: my Concordia Study Bible, my Starting Point Study Bible and my Message Bible. I wanted to read the NIV version and then see how it was translated in the Message and then see what additional information Start Point had for me. It was two hours well spent.

Here are the scriptures I was directed to:

Psalm 37:5-6

NIV: ⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;  trust in him and he will do this: ⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

The Message: ^5-6 Open up before God, keep nothing back; he'll do whatever needs to be done: He'll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon.

Sounds simple, right? Yet, we do not do it as much as we should – at least I don’t. In my Starting Point bible there was a story about how much we trust airplane pilots. We trust they will get us to our final destination maneuvering through turbulence and weather – we put a lot of confidence in this human. How much more should we put our confidence in God? He wants us to quit worrying about our future and “rest” in him. We can trust him because his Word persuades us that his plans for us are good – “plans to prosper you and not harm you…give you hope and future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Psalm 55:22
NIV: ²² Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let
   the righteous fall.

The Message: Pile your troubles on God's shoulders-he'll carry your load, he'll help you out.  He'll never let good people topple into ruin.

From the Thrive section in Starting Point I pulled this quote “he knew God’s sustaining power wouldn’t fail.”

Proverbs 16:3
NIV: Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

The Message: Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will take place.

It was in Elizabeth George’s book A Woman after God’s Own Heart where I read that she and her husband pray on everything, every decision that they must make before making it – do you? Do you commit every action to the Lord?

Jeremiah 17:7
NIV: But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.

The Message: But blessed is the man who trusts me, God, the woman who sticks with God.

The Message version felt like it pointed right at me “the woman who sticks with God.” Oh how many times I have taken turns in my life or have felt such panic because I did not stick with God.

Jeremiah 17:8
NIV: He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes its leaves are always green. It has not worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

The Message: They’re like tree replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers – never worrying through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season.

Don’t you just love that visual – a tree replanted in Eden, bearing fresh fruit every season.

The last piece of scripture is Matthew 6:26-34. It’s a little long to type out here for you, but if you need to read it all visit bible gateway – here. 
My favorite verses are
 ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

In her book Jennifer Beckham states, God always has a plan – even if that plan is nothing more that to teach you His way. The key that I have learned is you need to follow his plan and stay on his path, not a path you come  up with on your own – as I have so many times.

After spending time in the word I turned to YouTube and watched a bible study done by Beth Moore called Pressing Past Our Fears. I strongly suggest you take the time to watch it, it can be found here.

In this study she says, Fear is an emotional outburst of unbelief. As you can see from the scriptures above that is so true. She ends the session with Joshua 1:5 – I want to give you both versions because I love them both.

NIV: No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses so I will be with you; I will not leave you nor for sake you.

And in the Message it says: I’ll be with you. I won’t give up on you; I won’t leave you.
Doesn’t that just give you peace? He won’t give up on me – He won’t leave me. I am talking about God here, not JAG, but I believe the same for JAG – no matter how crazy I get, he will not leave me. Like when I sent him a text yesterday saying “I want to be just like Beth Moore when I grow up. You better get ready. I am going to get loud and pace the floor. I’m going to have good hair and be smart enough to help people at the same time!” Want to know his response? “Sounds good to me baby.” Why do I doubt God when he has given me such a gift – I was blessed when this man walked into my life.

If you have made it through one of the longest blogs I have published – what do you think? Do you have a word in mind that you need to spend time on? My next one is forgiveness – not the forgiveness of others, but of myself. I also plan to share this with along with what I have learned from Jennifer Beckham’s book – so make sure to check back in this week…maybe tomorrow.

Today I start reading A Mom After God’s Own Heart by Elizabeth George – you know how much I love her. I was so so so excited to find out she is releasing a new book in September of this year, Raising a Daughter After God’s Own Heart. I hate to say it, but I am going to have to buy it new – I can’t wait for a used copy to show up at my Half Priced Books.

Going Back

Don’t you just love it when I tell you I will be back the next day to share something with you then I don’t actually wind up blogging for three days? Do you notice? You may not and that is fine.

On Monday I told you that one good thing came from my weekend of tears – I went back to what I used to call my home church.

Almost exactly 10 years ago I had a client, turned friend, turned mentor who said during one of our sessions at the weight loss center where I worked “Why don’t you come with me on Sunday to my church. They have a wonderful Single Parents Ministry. I will go with you.” That conversation changed my life. Not only did it bring me back to my path with God, it brought me to Irving Bible Church.

At that time Irving Bible Church was much smaller, but still intimidating for a 23 year-old soon to be single parent who had fallen way of the path she new was set for her. Of course my friend was right there with me introducing me to everyone I needed to know. That Single Parents group took me in and loved on me (if you are from the South you understand what that term means). They lifted my spirits and where there to support me spiritually during my pregnancy – it was the best decision I had made.

Now flash to last Saturday when I mentioned to Shelby that we might go to IBC on Sunday. Her little face lit up and she was so excited. You see to Shelby IBC was the only church she had ever known until we became Lutheran. She started rattling off names of people she may see there and I quickly had to tell her it had been sometime and we where going to night service so she wasn’t disappointed when she didn’t see the owners of the private school she attended or some of her friends she had know since birth.

When we walked through the door she quickly started pointing things out to JAG – little did she know that JAG had already received the grand tour (well at least the commons and the sanctuary). You see I had a long talk with JAG a few months ago which lead to a compromise that I could go back to the place I used to call home. I have to tell you, I have brought many people through those church doors, but I was never as nervous as I was bringing JAG to IBC for the first time. Would he see what I saw? Would he feel the same overwhelming feelings? Would he get lost in the stain cement floors? Would he think I was just getting caught up in the music and the coffee bar and not seeing that there wasn’t much more? I was scared. I just knew that my well versed in all thing religious husband would pick apart IBC piece by piece from the almost stadium seating to the pastor – whom I adore – and JAG has still not seen yet. I was relieved when JAG didn’t do any such thing. Now he did have a few comments, but other then that I think he was surprised – the love for IBC is contagious (either that or he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings).

I got my Irving Bible Church fix a few months ago and I thought I would be ok, but if felt it creeping on again last week – my need for big, my need for contemporary, my need for home. Please don’t get me wrong I love the church I am in now, but it’s hard to not miss home, don’t you agree?

You see I was raised in a big church environment. The Assembly of God church my grandparents were a part of was HUGE and it was perfect for a girl with ADD. There was music and dancing and a pastor who paced the stage (it was too huge to be a pulpit) placing just the right consonant emphases to keep me tuned in, but they also had speaking in tongues and other things that now a days I don’t really care for – but that was home when I was younger. That is where I bonded with my Meme, she was so proud to have me there with her on the days I remembered to wear panty hose with my skirts.

There are huge benefits in a large church, at least I think so. There is opportunity for involvement there just as much as a small church, but at the same time you can sneak into service and not be noticed – which some days I prefer to. I enjoy the peacefulness of getting lost in service and not having to think about what is going on behind the scenes – that probably doesn’t make since to you – actually as I type I am not sure if that is exactly the feeling, but I do love not knowing the person who is sitting behind me. At the same time I will say again, I love the family feeling of my current church – I don’t want anyone to think I am leaving – I am just compromising.

I want to best of both worlds. I want my small Lutheran Church and I also want my large non-denominational church. I foresee drives back to IBC every Sunday night and possibly some women’s bible study on Tuesdays in the fall. Can’t I have both? Please tell me if there is a rule somewhere that says I can’t have both – I don’t do well with rule breaking.

My hope is to gain knowledge from both levels with a little and share that knowledge with others – maybe you.

Song for You Saturday

A video and this song was played during communion on Eater Sunday. I love this song! I knew that Sunday was going to be an emotional day (and I warned my family), but I didn’t realized it would hit in the middle of service during communion as we were on the front row with people walking passed us. I about had a Tammy Faye (God rest her wonderful soul) moment. Of course, JAG laughed as I bit my lip and pinched my hand to stop my tears. I got all caught up in the moment of the song, the video and having JAGdad give us (that is probably not the correct term) communion.

It’s a beautiful song – please listen

Come back tomorrow!!! I am going to post some baby bump pictures!!!

What Are You?

Do you label your beliefs? Are you Baptist, Catholic, Assembly of God or just Christian? Or could you be atheistic or maybe a spiritual, but not religious type?

Are you curious about others?

If you read my blog you know that I spend quite a bit of my daily reading with blogs written by Mormon Women. I am not Mormon, I will probably never be Mormon, but I respect anyone who has beliefs – that may be naive – let me correct that a bit. I love and care for everyone, but I choose to spend my time with people who believe in God and believe Jesus Christ is their Savior. Oh, I hope I do not offend this Monday morning, but for me to stay balanced and to stay on the path I need to be on, those are the choices that I have made.

Back on Topic: Courtney Kendrick posted a video Friday, yeap that is it below. You may know Courtney from her blog CJane. When I watched it my heart was warmed by her profession of faith and I was intrigued. I have to admit I have lived under a rock religiously, I know what my religion teaches and that is about it – well, I know a bit about Catholicism too because of where I was raised. I know very little about Mormon except the rumors that you hear. I don’t know who Joseph Smith is and I know nothing about the book of Mormon.

I guess I might be different from some (or maybe the same as many) because I want to learn about others and make my own decision based on the knowledge I have. I am not saying today or this month or the next 6 months (because my brain is kind of mush at the moment), but I will read the book of Mormon because I want to know. Interesting fact…our house backs up to the local Mormon church…I just thought it was interesting…it kind of put me a peace knowing there is a church just steps from my back door even though I don’t have a full grasp on what they believe. 

What do I believe you ask?

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
Maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ,
His only Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day He rose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven
and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
from there He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the Holy Christian Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting.
Amen.

This is the Apostles' Creed, this one is taken from the LCMS website.

As Courtney said, this is what I know.

I am Lutheran.

It’s Going to Be Awesome!

This week in Mama Kat’s Writing Work Shop on of the topics was 20 Ideas That Will Make This Year, The Best Yet.

It’s kind of hard to think about what could top last year – it was a pretty awesome year, but that mean that 2011 will be even better – I feel it in my bones.

So with about further ado…

20 Ideas that Will Make 2011 Awesome, More Awesome Than 2010 Even!

1.     Have BBQs at our House in the Spring: Big ol meat cooking wine drinking shindigs in our lovely back yard with friends! I have been waiting for this for awhile – even have an idea on menus!

2.     Learn What I Believe: I believe in the God the Father Almighty Make of Heaven and Earth and Jesus his one begotten son…you may know how it goes. I believe – don’t worry, but as many of you might know I am an AGO (Assembly of God/Pentecostal) girl turned Lutheran. Those two are light night and day in the way the practice – well somewhat. I want to learn what we Lutherans do and why we do it  - I want to know at the level that I can teach others.

3.     Learn Where I Came From: I discussed this yesterday. My goal this year is to get that family tree done done done.

4.     Hear Shelby Play at a Piano Concert: Hopefully that will be play well at a piano concert, but we will see. Shelby has always been musically inclined, but her mother has not nurtured that as much as I should. I think her loving music, singing, and now piano is a result of me playing music every night to her in the womb – it’s not proven science, but I think she was rocking before she was born.

5.     Grow Our Family: We hope that this year we will bring into the world a new Baby B.

6.     Have God’s Light Show Through Me: I need to do better, less gossip and more focus.

7.     Run a 5K: now this one will be changed to walk if number 5 happens, but I would love to do this and do it with JAG – oh he is just now hearing about this.

8.     Family Devotionals: I want to continue our nightly time in the word. We usually take 30 minutes to an hour to talk about different subjects. Shelby loves this, so I want to make sure it is not pushed away by other things.

9.     Embroider: Preferably something special that will mean something to someone someday.

10. Granbury: I so want to go back this year – just me and JAG.

11. Make Photography More Important: this means take more pictures – with the big camera. Work on my book and master photoshop.

12. Unpack: yeap…the garage still holds most of my belongings – it’s been almost three months and I have not unpacked.

13. The First Ten Years: Shelby will be ten this year. I want to make her a bound book with pictures and stories from her first ten years.

14. Meet New People: I want to join new groups, get out and meet new faces – not that the old faces are bad, but I want to expand my facebook friends.

15. Keep StrawberryTart! Alive: I want to continue to write here everyday or almost everyday. My other blogs may fall off, but I want this one – where it all started to continue and grow – 100 followers would be nice, but I am not going to ask anyone who is not interested in me to follow.

16. Learn to Play Chess: Ah yes this will be the year that I make my husband proud. I think some bonding time with me and JAG while playing chess would be good and it would also put to use the collection (almost as many as the books he has) chess sets we have.

17. Plant a Garden: I have a black thumb – I have successfully killed the plants that were alive at JAG’s house, but for some strange reason I want to move on to killing vegetables – we will see how it goes.

18. Budget: oh doesn’t everyone say this at the beginning to the year? I want to work towards this – see I said towards.

19. Shelby and Me Time: I want Girls Night out with just Shelby. No offense to JAG, but in the next year I think Shelby is going to need some good one on one time. I want to paint pottery, take sewing classes and get our nail done – just me and her.

20. Let Go: I need to learn to let things go – to not hold grudges and to not hold on to the past as much – not meaning let go of my vintage and things of my grandmother’s, but not sit and stew over who did what and how that made me feel. That made me feel that way then and I learned and grew and now I will get over it.  

I am linking up with MamaKat today…go visit and see what others have been writing about.

Getting Deep: Beating Myself Up

Are you harder on yourself then you are on others? Are you always quick to forgive others, but never can seem to let something go that you did yourself?

Recently I messed up in epic proportions. I made a mistake and it is resolved, all is well, but for the past two days I have been sick from beating myself up about it. No, I am not going to tell you what it was – it is over – and no it had nothing to do with JAG. I mean it Mom, it’s over so don’t call and ask what it was.

All is well and forgiven, but why am I still harping on it internally? I have prayed, but has I normally do - which I am trying to get over - I ask for forgiveness and then say to myself “he will for give you – God – but you still messed this one up big time – you know better – urgh I can’t believe you.”

I know that some would believe that I am committing a major sin by not forgiving myself. That one would believe that not forgiving my past sins is a form of pride – that I have put myself higher then others. In my heart I do not believe that is the case at all – I am never one to put myself higher then anyone, but there are times I can be so disappointed with my own actions that I just want to cry – yeap still dealing with the hormones.

I know I will come out of this, but it seems as if this week I am in the mood to beat myself up. For instance I made an off hand comment earlier today, it was a small commentary that did not need to be included in my discussion. I said “I really don’t like her.” No, I am not going to tell you who the “her” is just know it’s not any of you. Anyway as soon as it came out of my mouth my next thought was “Urgh you shouldn’t have said that.”

I really need to get past this and remember that every mistake I make in life is a learning experience – trust me I have learned – I have PhD in learning by my mistakes. I am how I am, faults and all – and most times I am a nice girl woman.

I leave you with this, it has helped.

For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.

Jeremiah 29:11

I Cry – I Don’t Think There is a Normal.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. I am sorry to say that I do not know all the details of this day and the meaning in the Lutheran Church, but I am learning. I didn’t even know it was a day/service until JAG quickly told me as we walked into church. He had forgotten that the pastor made sure to tell him – you will see why. All I have to say is Pastor if you are reading this we really need to get boxes of Kleenexes in the sanctuary next year. Especially in the back left (my left, your right) you know where I am every Sunday.

When JAG pulled me aside and told me I didn’t think too much of it – I was sure I could handle it – it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Let me stop because I know there are a few of you that are just completely lost right now. Since I introduced you to JAG I have kept a story to myself mainly because it was not my story to tell, but the realization is that it is has now become a part of my story. I am just going to type and see what the Lord gives me to share with you today.

I am JAG’s second wife. I have dealt with dating (and even marrying) a divorced man. In many ways divorce is so much easier then what JAG had for me. His first wife, his first love, the one he would have never divorced passed away from cancer.

I think I knew more about her then I did him when I decide to meet JAG in person (we met online incase you hadn’t heard).  I swear I have typed and deleted about a dozen sentences so far in the paragraph. Lets just say I was a very cautious girl and did my homework which lead me to meet JAG’s first wife via obituaries and blog posts by JAGdad before I met JAG. This helped me, it helped me to have a face. Looking back, I think it help me with the bond I feel to her.

Even though looking back on our time together so far things have never gotten bad enough for me to run, it hasn’t always been easy. Since the beginning I believed we were put together at this exact time for a reason. When we met my father was just diagnosed with cancer and I was about to face the 1 year anniversary of James’ death. We understood each other. We both faced cancer with a loved one and we both lost someone who was close to us too soon.

To be honest with you – it has been hard. Harder then I could ever imagine, but at the same thing I would not change a thing. I struggle with loving someone so much who was in love me, but still so in love with her. That is understandable – I read articles on it in the beginning. I was very careful not to rush him I just sat back and let him lead. Her death was not sudden and if there is one thing that she did well was prepare. She prepared ever detail – she knew who would get what piece of jewelry, she knew the scriptures she wanted during her memorial service – she made lists galore. She also had a long talk with her husband – wait that is their story. I want to be very careful when giving this to you that I do not try to tell a story that does not belong to me.

Besides knowing that he loved someone still so much my other struggle is the knowing that all this awesomeness I am in now would not be if is wasn’t for her death. I think that gets me more than anything. It’s not guilt, it’s sadness. You know how I feel about grief. I am also a healer so if it were up to me she would be here right now and there would be no pain in her family or in his. Again, I have to think – things happen for a reason. Urgh…I am rambling aren’t I?

Let’s just say there are books about there, but they do not do any good because I don’t believe there is a right way – or a wrong way – to date, fall in love and marry a widower. I am kind of making it up as I go.

With that said I didn’t think that All Saints Sunday would affect me, but man I was so wrong! I opened up that bulletin and saw her name. I realized then that this would not be just a brief mention – I started bighting the inside of my mouth trying to fight back the tears, but it didn’t help. I felt it in my throat – the starting of my balling – full out balling. New purse equals no Klennexs. I looked around the pew – nothing. I jumped up and walked as fast as I could to the nearest bathroom. I pulled at least half of the box out – sorry I will bring a new box on Sunday – and proceeded to have a little out loud sobbing before going back in. My hope was it would be over by the time I got back. Of course that didn’t happen – someone upstairs thought I needed to face this. I am sure all you could hear during the moment of silence was my crying and Shelby asking “why is she crying?” over and over again. I regained composer after a few minutes, then turned to JAG and said “I am glad it is get a shot of wine Sunday. I so need it.” – I hope that doesn’t offend anything we really needed some comic relief at that moment. I think I cried enough for the both of us because JAG sat there as manly as ever – you could tell he cried on the inside, but you never saw a tear.

After service a younger woman that have I started to get to know came over. She had good intentions, but her statements are what led me to type this blog. She asked why I was crying and if I lost someone recently. I just looked at JAG because this was JAG’s church since he was a child – you have to have been sleeping through every service if you didn’t know the loss that JAG went through. She knew, but she just couldn’t grasp how it would affect me. She reassured me again and again how I was part of the church family now. Urgh how to do I say this with out sounding tacky – she had the best of intentions and I feel blessed that someone was concerned for my crying, but I think most people around me knew why I was crying. This is where I make it up as I go – I am not sure if it normal or not, but I cry about JAG’s first wife. I mourn for her. I feel like I have grown so close to her as well so when Pastor said her name it didn’t feel like he was saying my now husband’s first wife’s name, but that he was saying the name of one of my dearest friends. Many pictures of her still sit through out our home and she will remain there. If God gives us children, then they will know. Those are JAG’s memories and I will preserve them as long as he wants me to.

Again, it hasn’t been easy, I wish things were different, but I am so blessed to be the one going through this with him.

Sorry that I did not include a name. I mean you don’t even get JAG’s name, so I definitely wasn’t going to include her name. She is in this blog – there is a blog with a picture of her – I snuck it in.

I want to leave you with something pretty. While typing this I listened to Mindy Gledhill. This is one of my favorites for you.