Calming the Momma Bear

I hate when I lose my cool. I hate when I match someone else’s tacky comments with an even harder blow. I think in the end everyone involved feels yuck. 

I am pretty even-keeled for a redheaded scorpio (if you believe in those things), but unfortunately my Momma Bear packs a pretty heavy punch. You can say tacky things about me and to me. I may fluster for a second or two, but I regain composure pretty quickly, but please, for the love of Kermit, do not attack my child. Don’t make her feel bad for expressing her feelings - don’t send her on guilt trips to deflect your mistakes. Just please do not do it because her mother cannot control herself, her mouth, her low blow comments, her anger. 

I know we are all called to be nice and caring to each other, but man, what do you do when someone treats your child badly?

I am no where close to being an “amazing christian” (is anyone?), but I will say I have grown because when faced with defending my child’s right to be treated kindly today I actually did not send a single cuss word by text to the opposing party (big success for me). But I still feel like pooh, probably because I thought all those words and may have let a few of them fly. 

So how do you do it?

How do you remain calm and communicate in a caring way when your kids have been hurt by someone they love? How to you real Momma Bear back when all she wants to do is rip someone’s head off?

I really wish at this point in this post I could list the 5 Easy Ways to Remain Calm, but I so do not have the answers to those questions. I am far from perfect (if you know me then that’s no shock to you) and I lose my head when it comes to my girls (especially my first born). And I love Jesus, but I still cuss a little (that is actually on a t-shirt that’s on my wish list because it is so me). 

What else is there to say? This parenting thing isn’t always easy. 

Parenting Divorced

When I was in the first grade my parents separated for a period of time. I don't remember all of it, but as a seven year old I do remember the fun I had staying at my dad's apartment. We sleep in sleeping bags on the living room floor and spent a lot time at the swimming pool. I remember during that time receiving what were dream toys: cabbage patch kids and a commodore 64. Even though dad's house was fun; mom's house wasn't bad either. I took dance and had lots of fun girl time, but we lived life at mom's house that included school and the daily grind (if a seven year old had a daily grind).

This all came back to me the other day when I found this essay Shelby wrote for school.

She was suppose to answer: Think of a time when another person helped you do something that was important to you. Why did you need help to reach your goal? How did the other person help you?

She started off well, but they went on a bit of a tangent...I'll let you read.

My mom and stepdad help me achieve my goals. They help me reach good grades and encourage me to do my best everyday. I lean on them for help. (see good) My mom is pregnant again (again?) and when she helps me I help her with my little sister while she rests and my stepdad works nights so I do not see him that often. He is the one if I get in trouble is light on me, my mom is light on my too, but she is pregnant. I do not even let them know how much they are there for me but they are there for me a lot, (and here we go) but sometimes I wish I would live with my dad and stepmom. They make me feel like home like my mom and stepdad do but they do not do fun stuff. My step mom does my hair and we celebrate New Years and we do birthday parties but my mom just says we can do fun stuff but when I'm not pregnant like whatever. Well, my parents really help me out with everything I do in school mostly, and outside of school they are there for me and always will be right now and till I die. (I love that end is so dramatic) 

I could sit here and defend myself and to be honest when I first read this I thought, She HATES Me! Really, through I can only sit back and laugh. I get where she is coming from and I love her random off subject rant -  I guess she just needed to get it all off of her chest.

When I was first divorced I would get angry that everything was always rainbows and unicorns at her dad's and she had to deal with real life at home, now I am happy she gets a break from real life for awhile.

Parenting: A Book You Should Read

I received a copy for How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen So Teens will Talk from my mother in-law for Christmas. I read about it while reading another book, not sure which book, but I new it had to go onto my Christmas list.

Source

I started reading it during my 3-hour glucose screen a few weeks ago (screen was fine...no sign on gestational diabetes). This is one of those books that I feel like I need to read again to really grasp, but I think I will pass it along to JAG first. 

I am not prepared to give you a full report just yet, I just wanted to share a few excerpts that spoke to me or scared me half to death (which is the state I have been lately raising a pre-teen). 

The book is just as it says - its a manual to help you to get your children to open up. My highlighter was going full force with in the first ten pages. 

The author writes

But if you can create the kind of climate in your home where your kids feel free to express their feelings, there's a good chance they'll be more open to hearing your feelings. More willing to consider your adult perspective. More able to accept your restraints. More likely to be protected by your values. 

I was like "Yes please where do I sign up and pay my money for this to happen." It's all a process that the authors take you through using group sessions with parents as an example. Again, I need to re-read and highlight more and make notes and print notes and post them all over my house so I will remember. 

They hit home when they said

It's hard for us to listen to our teenagers express their confusion or resentment or disappointment or discouragement. We can't bear to see them unhappy. So it's with the best of intentions that we dismiss their feelings and impose our adult logic. We want to show the 'right' way to feel.

Can I get an Amen...how I fallen into this trap so many times. I know what Shelby is going through, but instead of listening to her and her feelings I find myself telling her how to fix it because I've been down that road and if she does it my way (which is way different then I did things at her age) then she will come out unharmed. 

They go on to say

And yet, it's our listening that can give the greatest comfort. It's our acceptance of their unhappy feelings that can make it easier for our kids to cope with them. 

Hello! I would love to find a mother who hasn't had to work to train herself to do this, but that's just it...it takes thought and training. They give you scenarios to read through and even practice...and they even have cartoon strips which I know JAG will dig. 

An area of debate across our country and sometimes in my home is "to punish or not to punish" which is an entire chapter of this book. I can't say at this point if I agree or disagree all I know is I have punished Shelby Elizabeth over and over again with no real positive results. 

The authors write

the problem with punishment is that it makes it too easy for a teenager to ignore his misdeed and focus instead on how unreasonable his parents are. Worse yet, it deprives him of the work he need to do to become more mature. More Responsible. 

It's all about talking...sitting down and talking it out with your child. A two-way conversation. 

Speaking of talking this passage hit a little hard, so of course I highlighted so JAG would it was important to me. 

If ever we find ourselves becoming annoyed or angry with anyone in the family, we need to stop, take a breath, and ask ourselves one crucial question: How can I express my honest feelings in a way that will make it possible for the other person to hear me and even consider what I have to say? 

Oh this is something I've been working on so much lately...I've even been working on this when speaking to my x-husband. 

The continue by say

It means we need to make a conscious decision not to tell anyone what's wrong with him or her, but talk only about yourself - what you feel, what you want, what you don't like, or what you would like. 

I challenge you to think about that inside your house as you discuss things with your children or your spouse. It seems simple, but when you've had a long day at work and have to come home to find out your daughter forgot her homework for the third time this week it can been hard to remember. 

Now, let me get into the last chapter which I am glad they saved until last because it made my anxiety level go crazy. The chapter is called Dealing with Sex and Drugs. I took a deep breath as I started to read because as you know from my testimony post last week my history is not great in this area and my promise to myself as a mother is that I will be very alert and open with Shelby on this topic (not my history, but about drugs and that other word I can barely say since she is just 11). 

What I thought was my blessing from my teenage years is that I tried just about everything and fooled my parents on multiple occasion - thus Shelby will not be able to get anything past me...ha! Man, it is true things are so different these days when it comes to sex and drugs. The second paragraph of this chapter had me squirming. A mother was describing a scenario her daughter had gotten herself into during a party:

"I heard that one of the girls in her class was giving oral sex to a few of the boys. Now, I'm not a prude, and I don't think I'm naive. I know all kinds of things go on with teenagers today that was unheard of when I was a kid. But twelve and thirteen years old! In our community! At a birthday party!"

Oh, man that sounds just what I say when I hear some of the stories from my good friend who teachers in a Middle School. "They did what? Where? and at what age?!?" It's shocking - it's put my baby in  bubble and protect her from the outside world shocking. 

And when you are done worrying about sex and teaching you daughter the value of abstinence you have to brace yourself for drugs and alcohol (or it could be other way around). 

Let me share a personal story with you before I share the next item I highlighted. When I was 17, during the time of my life where I dropped out of school and was running around like a crazy person, I went across the border into Mexico to illegally consume alcohol. I had been doing this with friends since I was 14 - let me tell you people don't do this...don't even do this as an adult today...it's all kinds of dangerous over there. Anyway, unbeknownst to my parents I spent the afternoon with three friends having a how much tequila can you drink contest. I can't even begin to tell you how much I consumed...I can't begin to tell you how I made it home much less back across the border. Let me tell you though as a result I suffered from alcohol poisoning. It has to be one of the worst memories of my life (or at-least from that part or my life). I was sick for days...I couldn't eat...I couldn't drink...I could barely stay alert. I am sure my parents were scared to death since I some how wound up back at home...probably because my friends couldn't handle how sick I was. With that story in my head I gave God a big thank you for sparing me during those days as I read:

Binge drinking can kill you. Putting a large amount of alcohol into your body at any one time can lead to alcohol poisoning. And alcohol poisoning can lead to coma or death. That's a medical fact.

I was spared (I now know for a purpose) twice in those three days. I could have been hurt or worse killed drinking at my age in Mexico especially in a Mexican border town and I could have suffered much worse consequences for my night of fun with friends - life ending life altering consequences.

They did leave me with some hope and that is how I will end with you today:

you all have more power than you realize. Your kids care deeply about what you think. They may not always show it, but your values and convictions are very important to them and can be the determining factor in their decision to either use or avoid drugs and alcohol. 

Thirty Something Funk

This blog has been rolling around in  my head for months and today I left that it needs to be put down on paper (oh, I guess we can’t use that phrase anymore). Today, I actually heard myself say “I just want to go to sleep and when I wake up all my problems will be solved and I won’t have to deal with any of this.” Ever had that feeling?

The past few months it has been apparent that JAG and I are in a thirty-something funk. We are stuck at a cross roads in life, a valley, a point where we breathe out and say ok now what? Not in or relationship just with life in general. I may have started and pulled him in – that is usually the we roll. 

My friend Nicole and I were talking a few months ago about how our thirties are not fun – they are not what we expected. In your thirties you have things like mortgages, car payments and large electric bills (at least some of us do). There is very little money left for a summer shoe shopping spread and if you do splurge for a fashionable new pair of wedges you fee horrible the next day because you could have bought two meals for your family (maybe more) with the money you spent on those shoes. Things like that are in the front of your mind. It becomes more apparent that you are the leader of your home even though you have been a parent for years – I hope that makes sense to at least a few people. 

In your thirties you prepare yourself to say your goodbyes to your grandparents if you still have any – I have just one left and we all know that day to day struggle. You are faced with reality that your parents are fastly approaching their seventies (my mom just slammed her hands on the desk and said I AM NOT SEVENTY YET!). I don’t think Fastly is a word, but you know what I mean. You are faced with your parents not being as healthy or as lively as they once were. You spend the afternoon thinking what steps would you take if they could no longer care for themselves – you stop and hear the inner kid screaming “we are too young for this.” The fact is we are not too young any longer – we are thirty-somethings who are fastly approaching forty. 

Where did the time go? Wasn’t it just the other day you were driving around in your two-door sports car thinking about your major worry of the week – should I pay all my cellphone bill this month or go blow some money at North Park…at least that is what I was doing in my early twenties. Mind you it was my really early twenties since I became a mom at twenty-three. 

I have to stop a minute and count my blessings. I am in no way ungrateful for what I have. I have friends who want mortgages, I have friends who would give anything for babies and I friends who are no living without parents. I am blessed by everything that God has given me. 

I think I am just at cross roads, a valley – I am waiting for and pray for God to show me the paths that he wants me to take. Last week I wrote (on paper) many times about this funk here is a little bit of what I wrote:

April 26^th

I want to find something I have passion for, something I believe in, something that is more than getting a check every two weeks.  I want to smile about it and have zeal. I want to say look at this, it’s so AWESOME and it’s my passion and I am good at it!

Ever had that feeling? Possibly you are living your dream, you have found what has given you zeal (I cannot believe I have used that word twice – I have never used that word before). Possibly you are sharing with the world your AWESOME thing. I am a mother – that is awesome and that gives me zeal and I hold my babies up and say “look what I did!” Unfortunately, that doesn’t pay the bills – I wish it did because I would have more and more of them. 

I am a child of God! Jesus died for my sins and I am forgiven and saved! That is AWESOME! I would love to share that with the world and have zeal (heehee) from that statement, but am I ready? Is that the path I am supposed to take – I just rambled off into something knew, are you following me? 

Am I not praying enough? Am I trying to control situations that are not in my control what so ever? Do I believe I can do a better job managing my life then He can? Hmmm…more than likely, I don’t mean doing a better job. More than likely I am trying to run things that are not in my control and more than likely I need to pray and more than likely I have pushed myself off of my path a bit and it need to let go to get readjusted. I am sure I just lost a few people, but if you are still with me then you understand. 

Anyway – a funk has come over my house because again if I am off kilter then I normally pull JAG in with me so that everyone is off. 

Since it is Saturday, here is your reward for staying with me through all of my rambling:

This came up on my Pandora as I was writing this entry and I thought I would share.

Blending the Family: Shelby’s Confused.

I am sure all mothers love their children, but I think I love this girl more than anyone could possibly love. So, when she is confused it makes me sad and I am a fixer, so it makes me want to fix it now.

I think anyone can expect a nine year old girl to have some questions and some adjustment especially when it is her mother who recently got remarried. In many ways the change is much harder then when Gweedo got married. At the same time though we are blessed that Shelby and JAG have had the best relationship from the start – that has made things easy.

Lately we have had many discussions about last names, proper names and love.

First, Shelby pondered the idea of calling JAG “Dad.” This was a touchy subject or at least I thought it would be. I advised her to call JAG by his real name, not Dad or any form of Dad. Not because JAG isn’t going to be an awesome father, but because Shelby has a father. Also, I have to admit because Shelby’s mother- that would be me – had a fit and a half when there were discussions about Gweedo’s new wife being called “mom.” I live by the principle that there is one mother and one father. You can have step parents, but your mom is your mom and your dad is your dad until there is a mutual agreement for that relationship to no longer be – are you following me? JAG fully understood – thought you should know.

Now we are dealing with last names. Shelby has in her mind that her last name needs to change now that mine did. In her world, though, she doesn’t want to change her name she just wants to add another and take on my maiden name as well. Yes, she would like to have four names that she has to write on everything.

Monday morning before we walked out the door for school she was really concerned. She came to me and said “Mom in the fourth grade we have to write our first and last names on everything. Do I use my old last name or my new last name?”

We reminded her again that her last name has not changed. Poor girl. She wants it to change, but she doesn’t understand that there are reasons why she can’t just take on a new last name. First, it would hurt some people. She is part of a family – actually she is party of two families – Mine and His (Gweedo). I am going to be a woman about it and take the high road to say that it would hurt Gweedo and his family if Shelby up and changed her name. Secondly, the child does not have a grasp (as many nine year olds probably don’t) on the legality and cost of changing your name. You can’t just say “my name is…” and like magic it is done. It takes a judge, a lawyer, a subpoena, a court hearing and a loving filing fee.

Then this morning as we got in the car Shelby asked, “Do I need to tell JAG I love him?” My response is “If you do love him, then you can tell him you love him. If you don’t love him then you don’t have to tell him you love him.” My poor daughter’s response “Daddy makes me tell Julie I love her.” I told my daughter as I would tell any child of mine that I will not make them express their love to anyone if they do not want to do so. I think it is a personal thing. I think it is something that takes time. I do believe Shelby loves JAG and I know JAG loves Shelby, but I don’t think that I will hear her say “I love you” as she walks out the door each morning. Some days she rolls her eyes when she says “I love you too” to me.

I think everything will take time to work through. Mostly importantly above anything else is Shelby knowing she is loved. The girl just added another gaggle of family to her tree and has really felt the love this past weekend. Above anything else – I want her happy.

After typing this I am not sure how it will come across. I hope that readers understand my side on names, love and name changes. Also, just so you know Shelby calls JAG by his really name, not JAG – just fyi. Also, I am sure that Shelby loves her stepmother as well, but may not feel comfortable expressing it yet.

Also, if you had not noticed – Shelby was a zombie cheerleader. The fact that she was a Cowboys Zombie Cheerleader was laughable given the season we are having.

Blended Families

As I drove into work this morning I listened to Paula Dean’s autobiography, It Ain't All About The Cookin'. I was listening to her advice on blending families, she didn’t have the easiest time blending hers when she married Michael, but she survived. Hearing her stories made me think about my soon to be blended family and our struggles.

I have to say I really didn’t think that this would be as difficult as it is, but JAG’s children are so spoiled. You see they ruled the roost for the past 9 plus years. His youngest son, Moby, is mean, rude, and does not play well with others. His breathe stinks and his body odor is even worse some days. He has no care for your personal space and he loves to breathe right in your face. Also did I mention he was spoiled?

Yes I am talking about a dog. I am also talking about two dogs I love and adore. You see JAG and I have no issues blending our human family, but there have been so hiccups blending our canine/rodent family.

I bring to the mix one 8 month old 60 pound boxer puppy, Duke, and a year old hamster, Jackson (or Jack or Jack-Jack or crazy hamster).

JAG brings a 9+ (not sure) miniature schnauzer, Gus, and one 7+ (again not sure) miniature schnauzer who is an Alpha – with a capital A- male, Moby.

Let me say right now my children (including the human) are no dream, remember this post just last week? Duke is a handful and a half – especially since he ate an entire bag of rolls last night. And that Jack is trouble too. Little info on him – he is picky about food. He dumps and entire bowl of food out and picks through it until he finds the pieces he likes best. Also you can not sit anything by his cage because he will pull it in and tear it up. He has no fear. He has been known to roll over a cat while in his big plastic ball. So, my children have just as much attitude as JAGs – especially the human one.

I never imagined the excitement and trauma the four of them would bring to this relationship.

First – Duke and Moby in regards to personal space. You see Beau learned pretty quickly before he passed away (not by the hands of Moby) that Moby could care less about anyone else’s personal space, but you better not dare get into his. He is serious about this – don’t step on him, breathe on him, lick him or smell him. Duke can’t seem to understand this and goes back time and time again to say “hello.”

Next – Moby and Jack – Jack stays at JAG’s house, in his office because there is not place at my home to put him where Duke can’t reach and still give Jack the view he prefers. He is the office because Moby lets out the loudest highest pitched bark every time he seems him. It’s like he is screaming “RODENT!”

Duke and Gus – Gus is laid back, mainly because Moby has beat the poo out of him for the seven plus years they have been together, but the one thing that irritates him most is Duck standing over him. Duke hovers over him constantly as if to say “yes, I am taller than you.”

That is them together…individually they are all crazy. I am going to single out just one because it never fails he does his weird stuff when his father is gone. I so hate to put this out in public and defame JAG’s son, but I feel it need to be said…

This picture was taken to prove his crime to his father and now the world.

Moby is a murderer.

It is awful and I know the PETA people are probably going crazy right now, but that is his bread (or so I am told). And he is proud of it therefore he prefers to be called “Killer” and shakes his tail in excitement every time I say it. Normally it is birds, as seen in the picture above. This past weekend it was a squirrel who decided to bite back. Don’t worry Moby is fine. The squirrel I hate to say did not make out as well as Moby. No reason to cringe I was freaking out too bad to snap a picture of the scene.

So my family is blending with JAG’s and it is interesting, a little scary (especially for Jack) and can be pretty traumatic at times, but I think we will make it as long as Moby keeps his killing to when his father is at home.

Just so you know...I love love love Moby. Love the sinner not the sin, right? 

Happiness Project

My Happiness=Shelby!

This weekend Shelby cheered at her first game. She did beautifully even though it was hot and her mother completely spaced about sunscreen.

She did so well that her coach plans to move her to the front row so that other girls can follow after her.

JAG made sure to tell me that I am not the coach, guess I was giving a little too much advice during the game. Since then I keep repeating “I will not be a stage mom…I will not be a stage mom.”

Awful Mother

If you do not behave correctly during service then you will not go to Crosswalk!

Some of you will laugh like this by the end of this post

That has been our rule for sometime now. Behaving during Sunday church service includes standing when you are supposed to, not laying across the pew, no talking, no whining, and keeping your shoes on. This rule is for Shelby and JAG (just kidding).

Crosswalk is children’s church. All of the children get to leave early in the service, normally on Sundays when we have communion, and go to another room. They sing, play games and do crafts. I am a firm believer that if you can not sit through twenty minutes of service then you do not need to go to Crosswalk.

Shelby has purposely re-arranged her schedule with Gweedo so that she can make it to every Crosswalk-it’s a big deal to her. Lately, Shelby’s attitude has been a big deal to her mother. Her attitude is the topic of many many conversations in my house.

Yesterday was no different than any before, Shelby was overflowing with attitude-and not the good kind. Sassy, talking back, not listening to a thing attitude-this is where her grandmothers say, “Oh not Shelby, she is such a sweet girl.” We didn’t even get to the first song before I moved her to sit by JAG-she wasn’t going to make to Crosswalk if she sat by me. He is more understanding-he is a pastor’s son and understands the need to squirm in a pew.

Even though I shot them a few good looks, the two of them talked through announcements. Then, Shelby leaned over and said “I am not going to Crosswalk today.” My first thought- What? You have to be kidding me! She has to be misbehaving if JAG is saying she isn’t going to Crosswalk. Normally he can calm the situation and everything works out. So at this point I am pissed-excuse my language. I am sitting there running through boarding schools in my head between asking myself “Where have I gone wrong with this child, why can’t she behave?”

She moves to sit by me again during the next song. She is moving, fidgety and radiating attitude. As offering starts I lean over and say “get up we are going outside.” As we proceed down the hall to the bathroom she asks over and over “what did I do wrong.” My response, “You know exactly what you did Shelby and now you aren’t going to Crosswalk, so stop crying you did this to yourself.” As we stand in the bathroom, face to face, me angry and her confused she says with tears in her eyes, “But mom there isn’t Crosswalk today.” What? Here I thought she told me she wasn’t going because she got herself in trouble, but really her tears were about there being no Crosswalk at all. This is the exact moment where I just knew I had earned my awful mom of the year award.

I said, “Oh Shelby why didn’t you tell me? I thought you got in trouble.” She did tell me…I just didn’t understand-I thought the worse. We exchange big hugs and mommy gave her a lot of kisses, found some Kleenex and headed back into church. Where I gave JAG and elbow and said “Why didn’t you tell me that she wasn’t in trouble?” His response, “I said I had it handled-you don’t listen.” Awful future wife award too.

Fourth Grade

Last night JAG and I stood in the kitchen and braided Shelby’s hair. We had to have put over twenty tiny braids in her hair to achieve the look she wanted for today. I am so proud that JAG helped…he did pretty well too. As we stood there we discussed Romans 13:1-6 and our goals for this year. We talked about how to pick good friends this year and how to stay on our teacher’s good side.

When she woke up this morning she was ready to go. Well…ok…not ready. She was still not excited, she was more excited to take out all her braids and see her new do. As we made the long hike into school from a parking lot down the street she pleaded to not have to go and then said “this is torture”- that is her new over dramatic line. She knows she will be fine…I know she will be fine…all is well.

Ok,  I am not going to pull the “I can’t believe she is getting so old” line, but I have to say I repeated it in my head over and over this morning. Here is the progression of Shelby from Kindergarten to Fourth Grade. Small mommy tear…

Kindergarten

First Grade

Second Grade

(see would not allow me to take pics this year, so I snapped this one quickly)

Third Grade

(I wish all the years were this happy)

Fourth Grade

(I could kick myself that I didn’t take a full body pic)

Something to Learn

I believe that if God takes you through the same trials twice he has something you need to learn that you might have missed, like it was just a little too easy (even though it was really hard) the first time. The mindset of something really positive will come out of the second time.

This thinking came to me as Shelby, JAG and I were walking out of her elementary school Thursday night. If you remember from a post in April and some other off the cuff comments throughout my blogs Shelby did not have a good time in the 3^rd grade. It was awful for both her and I. She had difficulty paying attention and did not build a big rapport with her teacher. When May came the entire family breathed a sigh of relief that it was over and we made it through. We looked forward to a fresh start in 4^th grade.

This year my main concern was that her 3^rd grade teacher would have made notes in her file about Shelby being difficult. I am not going to sit here and say that Shelby was probably not difficult last year, but I will say that toward in the end of the year the things Shelby got in trouble for were pretty ridiculous. I really did not want Shelby’s conflict with that one teacher to haunt her into 4^th grade. You see before 3^rd grade I had no difficulties with Shelby in school. Even during the divorce Shelby behaved fine in school, but there was something about her 3^rd grade teacher that just didn’t click.

JAG and I had a positive attitude as we walked up to the school. We had to because Shelby did not want to meet her new teacher, Shelby barely wants to go back to school. We went to the window where the classes were posted. I found Shelby’s names then looked at the teacher’s name. I had to take a second to comprehend what I was looking at. I even had a moment where I said “oh they have the lists from last year up” in denial. Then it hit me. Shelby’s fears of 4^th grade probably not even close to this…she has her 3^rd grade teacher again.

Let me stop for two seconds and admit that Shelby’s mother probably did not handle the situation well at first. Nope not at all. I was steaming. Oh H E Double Hockey Sticks No! JAG said “Let’s go in. See if it’s true then have her moved to another teacher.” Shelby’s mother (I am not admitting I know her) stormed past both principals. They said “hi” and she said “I CANNOT Believe this!” Yeap…not one of my finest moments, but it was kind of heart breaking. I spent many a night talking to Shelby about how much better 4^th grade would be just to have her live 3^rd grade all over again.

One good thing, though, this year they rotate between 3 teachers, so Shelby will not be with this teacher all day, just in the mornings and in the afternoon. I calmed down once I realized this. As I sat and listened to the same talk as last year it dawned on me, “He has something Shelby needs to learn.” Even though how much I want to save her, move her to another teacher or even move her to another school, I know that she has to face this hurdle. She has something to learn this year and she is ahead of some of the other students, she knows what this teacher expects.

I do pray I am correct with this and that something positive will come out of it or maybe Shelby’s mom is meant to learn something…ok God I am listening…

My Little Red Book

One day, in the future, this blog post will embarrass Shelby more than any other and to that I send an “I am sorry” in the future.

I was looking at Shelby last night wondering when I need to start thinking about her changing. You know developing and have the change into a “woman.” This was my thought pattern last night, then this morning one of my blog friends (I think I am allowed to call her that) posted about her daughter’s first period which lead me to comment, which lead me to someone else’s comment, which lead me to this book.

My Little Red Book edited by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff. I had never heard of it and I guess that is because Shelby is about to be 9, not 13. It is a book of stories of all ages and their story about that magical, sometime tragic day when they became a woman.

I think this is a much more suitable book for Shelby to read when that time comes, then my first option a bought on a whim when she was one, Are You There God, It’s Me Margret. I don’t know what I was thinking. All I remember is the section of the book where Margret got her first period.

When Shelby was born my mentor’s daughter was going through this time in her life. She took her daughter for a mother/daughter day had a wonderful lunch, presented her daughter with a kit of everything you need when you start and took this opportunity to drive home abstinence. I have always remembered that story.

Just like many other things with Shelby this subject scares me. I know, but remember I am a first time mother. And yes I know I came from a house of girls, but my first period was not wonderful, but at the same time having an older sister helped it not be as bad. To be honest when I had Shelby no one told me it would be this hard to sit back and let her grow up. I would love for her to stay this age and this innocent (which is getting less and less by the day) forever.

Ok…enough of that think. I am so buying this book and reading it! And then saving it for Shelby when we get to that point, which is hopefully after she gets out of elementary school, please Lord. Right now I should focus on fourth grade and whether or not she needs a training bra. See right there…she is sooooo embarrassed by her mother now.  

I Command You, Again!

Yeap…Again!

Go hug your children…now! Then if you have healthy children send God a BIG HUGE thank you!

Now go read through this blog.  Reagan’s blog.

Between this blog and my Life Span Psychology course I have had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to God (even more then normal) that my Shelby Elizabeth is healthy. I pray that she will remain that way forever.

One of my favorite pics of Shelby…age 5

Thank you for following my commands…I only do it when I feel you need to read it too!

Shelby’s take on being a Mom.

Recently I have been video blogging on a weight loss site. Shelby wanted to try out Vloging, so here is here first attempt.

I know the sound is off from the video. It is funny as her mother to hear what she thinks about mother hood, jail, naming kids and where she plans to have her kids.

She is talking to you…her fans.

Raising a Silly Girl

If you were in a 20 mile radius during lunch today you probably heard me scream NO! and then laugh for a good five minutes due to this picture Shelby sent me by text!

Oh No!!! What is this? Is she trying to perfect her Duck Face? Does she not realize how much her mother cannot stand the Duck Face?

Her text said: “Look do I look perty??”

I said: “You are beautiful, but what are you doing with your face? LOLZ Shelby Elizabeth!”

Her response: “I don’t know”

Oh she knows…so I proceeded to tell her I prefer she smiles in pictures and not make goofy faces.

I am lucky because she is still young enough to respond, “ok mommy” and I know I won’t see the Duck Face again from her…hopefully…oh I hope please please please!

I Would do Anything for Her

See this face

I would do anything for this girl. I want her to experience the world. I want to give her opportunities that I did not have (see note below). This means when Shelby said that she wants to participate in Pee-wee football cheerleading this fall I said, “I am in!”

You have to understand that this means I will spend the next few weeks going through my home to find items to sell on Ebay. I will probably have one to two more garage sales.

The cost for this to happen is more then I have a budget for right now, but when asked “what do you want to do this fall” above anything else Shelby wants to try to cheer.

So if it means selling almost all the contents in my house (over dramatic…it’s not that much) and sitting in the sun for an entire day peddling things my aunt gave me to sell then I am in because I will do anything to give Shelby a chance.

I said I wasn’t going to do it, but can’t seem to end this post without saying…I really wish her other parent felt this way. That is all I should say without getting tacky.

Note: I realize I was given the world as a child as well…I was not lacking in anything, but my parent’s work schedule was too busy to fit in extra curricular activities for me, therefore I have always pushed Shelby to do things outside of school.

Kids Having it Their Way

I was browsing YouTube this morning watching videos of Jesse James’ dateline interview (don’t even get me started…proves my point that good girls do not fix bad boys) and I found this abc interview of Dayna Martin. Martin has Free Range Kids (or Children). My first thought “I have never.” Here is the video.



Now in normal fashion I will not judge (or I will try not to judge), I will say “to each his own.”

So I did what I normally do, I googled it. I found information on a woman by the name of Lenore Skenazy. In the article I read by the Vancouver Sun (here) there was discussion regarding allowing children to go to the park alone, but send a cellphone and watch from across the street. The writer pointed out that Skenazy does not live in a suburban wonderland, she lives in New York City. The article states, “If we want our children to be independent and get off the couch, we must be prepared to give them some room to roam.”

I live in a suburb between Dallas and Fort Worth. I live on a quiet street with kids (I will get into later this week what else lives in my neighborhood). I would love it if Shelby could walk down the street to our neighborhood park and play without me in running distance to her. She will normally swing while I walk the dog, but I always can see her (still makes me nervous sometimes…ask JAG). Again, I would love to give her the opportunities I had as a kid to run and play in the neighborhood, but I am a realist and in the real world that I live in a beautiful young girl named Amber Hagerman was abducted and killed in 1996 while riding her bike. This happened less then 20 minutes from my home.

I know that having your child go to a park partial unatteneded is not the primary focus of free range child rearing as you seen in the video some children also do not attend school. Shelby would love to have that option, but at the same time Shelby loves loves loves the social interaction she gets with her peers at school. Being that she is an only child not attending school would equal a pretty boring life for my daughter.

Again, I believe it is the parent’s decision as long as it is in line with state laws what they chose to have their children do or not do. All I know is I thought I was a pretty free spirited parent (on somethings…not the park thing), but was I ever put into my place.

Houston We Have a Problem…

An Attitude Problem!

So, we are ending the 3^rd grade on Friday and it seems like every week during this past school year Shelby has been written up by her teacher. It ranged from playing with her hair to talking during a test. Lately it seems like Shelby cannot breathe without being written up. I think it has to do with a little attitude issue we are having. Some people call it Talking Back, I call it Debating.

Here is an example.

Me: Shelby get up and get in the shower.

Shelby: I AM GETTING in the shower.

Me: Shelby, don’t talk back.

Shelby: I am not talking back.

Me: You just did it again.

Shelby: No, I didn’t.

Me: Just hush your mouth Shelby.

Shelby: But I am not acting bad.

This is a daily, some times an hourly occurrence right now. My daughter always has to have the last word. I think this is why she did not get along with her teacher this year.

Therefore, this summer I am going to break my child of debating with me. I just have to find the right method for her. I don’t think spanking her at this age will do the trick. I have attempted to read Have a New Kid by Friday, but I rarely make it through Monday. It is a good book and I need to buckle down and finish it. Kevin Leman has strategies that really seem like they could work.

My friend Holly and I used to call this attitude single child syndrome. I really need to get this syndrome under control!

Do you have any suggestions?

For more information on Kevin’s book watch this interview he did. He shares some of his strategies. Watch it here.

Someone Please Save Me

From Justin Bieber!

I was about to start this post with “I’ve been lucky that Shelby has not obsessed over anything obnoxious,” but that is so untrue.

It started with Barney! I swore that I would never have a kid who loved Barney. Then it went to Bear in the Big Blue House (loved him). After Bear it was Dora…come on vamanos! It seems like it quickly moved from Barbie’s to Jonas Brothers. I guess I could handle all of that, but this mother can not seem to stomach Justin Beiber and his hey hey were the monkeys hair cut.

Shelby is in love with this kid. She listens to his high pitched pre-puberty music everyday! URGH!

Everything has to do with him…

Me: Shelby what do you want to name this sock monkey I got you?

Shelby: I will call him Justin Bieber!

Me: What are we going to get Madi for her birthday?

Shelby: Justin Bieber stuff.

She gets really angry because I won’t call him “Justin Beiber.” I call him “Justin Boo Boo” or “Justin Big Booty.”

I really just can not stand that she likes this kid. 

Shelby Lou-Lou!

I have to say, Shelby has had a big improvement lately at school! WoooHooo!

She and all the other 3^rd graders are taking the TAKS today for Math. This is something she has preparing for all year. Today’s special breakfast was cereal with fruit. She has already requested eggs tomorrow since she will be taking the reading portion on the test.

We had a long talk this morning about the importance of her keeping her eyes on her own test and no talking.

Her teacher gave her this lovely note yesterday.

It was very sweet and made Shelby smile, so I guess her teacher has earned a few brownie points from me.

I am also happy to report (early) that Shelby made the A/B honor roll this 6-weeks. We seem to work our tails off at the end of the six weeks to make that happen.

When I told Shelby she automatically asked what her prize was going to be. You see my mother and I disagree in this area: I don’t think I need to reward Shelby with video games and toys for doing exactly what she is supposed to do (well in school, not get in trouble, make her bed, clean her room, etc.) and my mother thinks that Shelby should be rewarded for everything.

My response to Shelby asking “what is my prize?” was “Your prize is making through the 3^rd grade and getting to play with three awesome dogs when you get home.” She didn’t care for that response, but knows better then to fight me about on that subject.

Now every once in awhile I will reward Shelby for good behavior at school with something little like a dollar charm I picked up at Hobby Lobby. Those days are few and far between because it never fails that Shelby’s BTC (Behavoral Tracking Chart) comes home with a comment at least twice a week. Normally I am taking things away, like watching Dog the Bounty Hunter on Wednesdays. It looks like this Wednesday she will get to watch it. I know it is not the best thing in the world to watch, but we watch the episodes together and discuss them.

I found this in her backpack last week…yeap it’s a bond report or a wanted poster. She must have been bounty hunting at school.

Pray and Purpose

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. 

 He's going to be up all night anyway. 

~Mary C. Crowley

Do you pray?

I wouldn’t say that prayer has always been a focus in my life. I have lived by the “Dana knows best” way of thinking. I would say I normally have an on again off again prayer routine. Lately, though, I have prayed more for a couple of reasons.

One I am reading this book, A Woman After God’s Own Heart.

I don’t have it with me at this time, but a few days ago I read when you pray about something or someone it puts them in your heart more. If I pray for Shelby then I spend more time (if that is possible) thinking about her.

Let me back up…I think I have always said little prayers, but lately it seems like I pray for a purpose. I have a time and a pattern that I use to pray. I was told many years ago that I needed to pray out loud. A friend of mine had told me that the devil can’t hear your thoughts, so when you are praying out loud it lets the devil know that you are speaking to God. I am not sure about that, but there are times where I get more out of praying aloud.

I was taught the P.R.A.Y approach to prayer a long time ago and still use it. I know it is normally for people who are learning to pray, but it is helpful to me.

Praise: Simply sit quietly and thank God for who He is and what He has done.

Repent: Confess all known sin and commit to turn from it.

Access: Tell Him about the needs and frustrations that tangle your life and the lives of those you care about. I also call this “Ask” because this is where I ask for help.

Yield: (I had to look this one up, guess I miss this step) Once you spread your prayer list on the floor in front of God’s throne, don’t retrieve them. Yielding means you leave your requests there. You have permission to bring them again and again. But the fact that you have brought them before God indicates that you trust that He will, in His time and in His way, take care of them.

Now that I look at it and think about it I may also use the A.C.T.S Approach to pray. They are both great, here is A.C.T.S

Adoration: Tell Him that you love Him. Reflect on His greatness, His power, His majesty.

Confession: Well…you confess…

Thanksgiving: Think of several specific things to thank him for…I always say my family and my friends, but I also include things like tapping me on the shoulder when I am getting off track.

Supplication: (ok you know I looked this up) Simply this is where you pray…you pray for other before yourself.

Both are very useful and I probably mix them up and do them out of order, but hey I am still praying. As my friend Stefanie has drilled into my head, “Worry about nothing, Pray about everything.” I am working on it…

Besides the book I am reading, I have been praying more due to the overwhelming anxious feelings I have been having. They will vary from day to day. Yesterday it was the fear of losing Shelby since I had been reading about a young girl’s tragic death during Spring Break. The night before it was the fear of someone entering our house while I was slept….I know silly, but I worry sometimes about those things which leads me to prayer.

Now Purpose…when I thought of this title I didn’t not mean for purpose to have anything to do with Prayer. In the past few days it has become more of a realization to me that my purpose in life is to be this girl’s mother. Pretty cheesy, huh?

I am not sure what it is that has made that hit home so much lately. It’s just the overwhelming feeling lately that she my responsibility. It is my responsibility to make sure she learns what she needs to learn before she becomes an adult…and I am not talking about knowing the difference between a cube and a rectangular prism. I mean the stuff that matters…the stuff that will determine what kind of adult she will be. I used to not think I could handle such a large task, but lately I am ready to face it head on. I love this child will all that I have and I will do everything possible to help her have a successful life.

Which leads me back to something that I stated earlier…this week I need to focus on Yielding. In His way, in His time, things will be taken care of.