Prayer

Today is the National Day of Prayer. It's a day to pray for our leaders and our nation. I invite you to visit the National Day of Prayer website today for more information.

http://nationaldayofprayer.org/

This morning I am praying for our Nation, but I'm also praying for this young girl. 

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This beautiful young girl is Ruby Contreras. She is 14 and lives in my town (or city - we are in the burbs). She is a Middle School student who was last since April 24th leaving school. She is believed to be with a 26 year old man that she met online. They were last seen in El Paso, Texas. Here is a video from our local news.

View more videos at: http://nbcdfw.com.

If you follow me on facebook you are thinking "you are obsessed with this case, Dana." That could be a somewhat true statement and let me tell you why - that could have been me. My heart ached as the details started to unravel about this story. With each detail I was brought back to an indecent I got myself involved in when I was just 13. I am not ready for details, let me just tell you that I praise God this morning that I was safely brought out of the situation - I was not smart. I made what could have been a life changing mistake. That day and the what ifs are really messing with me as I pray for Ruby. 

11:52 pm on 5/2/13 Post Edit: Ruby has been found safe in Mexico. They have her and the man in custody. The authorities are working with the Mexican authorities to get her back to the United States. Again, please pray for this young girl. Her life has been changed this week. I am in tears and praising the Lord that she was found safe. 

I pray that she returns home safely and I pray for her spirit. No matter the outcome this is going to leave a mark on the rest of her life. I pray for understanding of God's plan for her life. I'm praying hard for this girl. 

Not only does it make me deal with the mistakes of my young life; it makes prepare for another serious discussion with Shelby about internet safety and things people will tell you to lead you astray (physically and mentally). I was about to say it tough raising kids these days, but I'm reminded that that could of been me twenty-two years ago long before internet was common thing. Scary. 

In the timely manner that God has I read an article yesterday written by Jennifer K Dean and released by Faithlife Women called Parenting by Prayer. Let me share a few parts that stuck out to me then I invite you to go read the entire article. 

They discuss how you "cannot parent character into your children". Dean stated, You can correct and punish him when you catch him lying; you can teach him honestly by example; you can show him videos and read him stories that teach honesty; you can lead him to memorize Scriptures about honesty. Oh, my I did all of these over the weekend along with having Shelby write "I will not lie" about 300 times followed by bible verse that back up my point. 

Dean continues, By doing these things, you will certainly lay the groundwork and give him the tools to live honestly, but you cannot make him honest. Why? Because truth has to reside in his innermost being, and you cannot put truth into his innermost being. That's something God has to do. 

Only God can out truth and wisdom inside your child. 

Dean goes on to talk about praying in the spirit not in the flesh. See if this sound as familiar to you as it did to me. She says, Our flesh will pray, "Don't let anything bad happen." To which the Lord will say, "I need to allow disappointment, pain, and failure so that I can give him the treasures of darkness and the riches stored in secret places." I was told by a wise woman (Kasey Van Norman) to question the use of scripture. This statement is pulled from Isaiah 45:3. I'm officially putting it on my list of things to do today to make sure I like the way it's used here. I'll do a post edit later if I don't care for it - it may take me a bit. 

Anyway, please go read the entire article: Parenting by Prayer

And now take a deep breath as I am having to do this morning. I leave you with this token that has touched me this morning.  

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Brownie-gate

The story all begins in the late eighties with a red pen. Not a red ball point pen, one of those really neat red almost felt tip pens and me. I would say I was maybe 9 or 10 the afternoon I was asked "did you do something to my pen?" My response, "um, no. I didn't touch it."

If you are a parent you know I so touched that pen. Not only did I touch the pen I put the end of it (not the felt tip end) into my handy dandy pencil sharpener and I "sharpened it." Please don't ask me why I sharpened the end of the pen. Aren't there many times that you look at your children and ask "Why in heavenly days would you do that?" We may even sum it up in our heads with "those are your father's genes right there."

Besides being a snazzy felt tipped pen this pen was also unique because it belonged to my father. I believe he was the one to start the interrogation on me that afternoon. I stood there doe eyed thinking "how can I get out of this stupid decision I made?" So, I lied.

Inside the perfect world of my 10 year old brain that one lie would have sufficed. He would believe that his daughter could never do anything so stupid and the pen must of just been shedding it's plastic for the summer. And I'm almost positive he was thinking "those are her momma's genes right there."

I breathed a sigh of releif when he gave up his battle. Little did I know that was the calm before the storm as his reinforcements swooped in. As the youngest female in the house I knew I could hold my own if I faced  my dad's muscle (my mom and older sister) one at a time. They were much smarter then me and decided to double team me as a took a bath. I held strong for a 10 year old, but they were better then anything you've seen on NCIS. They laid out the crime scene footage and broke my alibi apart, but the kicker was when I heard the statement  "he is not mad at you, he is just very disappointed that you would lie to him." I confess! I confess! Please don't tell me that my father of all people is disappointed in me.

I balled (as y'all know I do that easily) my father sat on the diving board of our pool listening to my confession.  He looked me in the eyes and said I shouldn't lie especially about something so small. In the scheme of things it was like a $2 pen (may less since it was the 80s) and it would have all been laughed at if I didn't choose to lie.

That brings me to this morning. I ran up the street to get JAG from our local National Tire and Battery. When I returned I noticed the foil over the pan of brownies was no longer as neat as I left it last night after our brownie sundaes. I peaked inside to see a small line of brownies had been removed. I looked at Shelby, who stood at the end of the counter doe eyed and questioned "did you have a brownie?"

"no. I didn't touch them."
"You didn't touch them. How did the foil get all jumbled?"
"Well I looked to see what it was, but I didn't eat any."
"You didn't eat any, but there is this uneven spot where they were butchered out of the pan. Did someone come in while I was gone just to steal a brownie?"
"I don't know. I didn't eat it"

JAG and I, as any other parent who about to lose their head would do, sent her to her room. I stood their in the kitchen thinking "Red Pen! Red Pen!" This is so tiny, so small that it's not a big deal at all for her to have brownie. We would have said "Shelby Elizabeth don't have chocolate before I pump you full of sugar with cinnamon rolls. It makes me look bad as a parent."

Unfortunately, we didn't get a chance to say that, so we decided to give her a mulligan. We called her out of her room sat her at the table and asked one more time. She knew she was busted and came clean. The first words out of my mind and mouth is "I am so disappointed." I explained as I have before that it's hard to trust her with the big things when she lies about the smallest things possible. Come on Shelby save the lies for the big things, save them for when you are 16 and back your parent's car into a tree. That "I just found the car that way" would be a better use of your lies then "I didn't eat a brownie at 9 am." I know, I know no lie is a good lie - I'm just making a point.

I wish I could say that the red pen ended my lying career, but I can tell you that every minute of that afternoon has stuck with me for twenty-five years. I hope brownie-gate sticks with Shelby as the day she felt the disappointment of her mother, but I'm sure she will only remember that I made her sugary cinnamon rolls for breakfast and not even homemade ones.

I pray that honesty will eventually not be a topic i have to discuss with Shelby everyday - honestly, this is a hard battle.

Not What you Expected

I know I've been missing for almost a month now and I do apologize (more to myself then to you). These three have been taking up much of my free time (and that is the way things should be).

These days I am good to take a shower once every couple of days. I feel like I say "Are you going poopy" "don't jump on the sofa" and "be nice to your sister" more than I should, but I am loving life.

I know that I owe you (again talking to myself here...I think) stories about Easter and Morgan's Baptism. Morgan's birth story may have to wait until her birthday like I did with Bekah. Hopefully it won't take 10 years like it did with Shelby.

Speaking of Shelby. I heard this statement leave my mouth this morning on our drive to school.

I want you to think about everything you have learned this year in church including the ten commandments and determine if your actions are honoring God or dishonoring God.

I am really trying to go this route instead of screaming at the top of my lungs "You are DONE dating and you can't be friends with anyone that you are currently friends with." It's a long story and I'm not sure exactly how I want to capture it in writing yet.

The only advice I can give you as a parent at this moment in time is if you have a parenting plan, then do not waiver from it just because society does. My plan included no dating for Shelby until she was 16. I felt that would be an age where she would emotional mature enough to make decisions that would honor her and God. Well, you know where that plan went - in the trash - and I am sitting here this morning kicking myself. Actually, I am trying to not beat myself up too bad, but I am having some major parenting guilt because it's true Shelby is far from emotionally mature to handle a relationship - if you could call it that.

Ok, I guess I should give you some insight since I've rambled myself into a hole. I will try not to sound over dramatic when I say Shelby has been kissing a boy! At school! I am just beside myself. Now I didn't just fall off a turnip truck, I know this happens everyday, but it's too soon for Shelby. It's brings up some major fears about what will be next in her life (there may be some drama in that statement).

I will do my best to not sound like a clueless mother because if anyone knows about what can happen in teenage relationships it's me (probably the reason I am freaking out), but is it too much to pray that my daughters will choose abstinence? Is it too much to want my daughters to choose a path where they respect themselves and their bodies?

I was about to ask "why didn't I get an owner's manual for these girls as I left the hospital," but was reminded that I do have one - the Bible. The Lord's word which should stand stronger that societies pull on my daughters. I am sure I just lost a few of you, but I hope you hang in there with me because I have a question for you - especially if you are a female.

I have been sitting on a post for some time now - a post for my girls and I need your help. Without slamming your parents' parenting skills (because we all know how hard it is now that we are in their shoes) what is one thing (or two or three things) that you wish your parents told you about relationships? What is something that you wish you knew ahead of time in regards to how a man should treat a woman? Was there a lesson that you had to learn on your own that you wish someone would have given you a heads up on?  Feel free to comment below or email me. If you have a full on story then feel free to share.Please don't feel as though I am being sexist just asking the females, but I am raising girls over here not boys - at least not yet.

While I am on a roll about what I should teach my daughters let me tell you about my other tangent for this week - fighting. During the past week I've seen two fights outside of Shelby's middle school and I have to tell you watching these as a parent is much more disturbing then it was when I was in middle school. These kids were betting the tar about of each other - where do that learn that?

One fight between two sixth grade boys had me screaming from my car as I frantically called the front office. Looking back I think my mom took over my body - she has a tendency to let out high pitched screams when things frighten her.

That fight was nothing compared to the overwhelming feeling I had witnessing two girls fight a few days later. Again, I didn't grow up in a bubble, I know this happens everyday, but it been big teaching point for Shelby. I've told her my expectations of her starting with I better not catch her in the crowd that watches fights. I may have used the word stupid too many times in regards to this subject, but as an adult I think that fighting especially physically fighting is one of the stupidest things you can do. I've told Shelby what to do if some one threatens her with a fight. And since the fight between the two boys was over a girl I told Shelby that even though it may seem all sweet and loving for a boy to fight for you it's pretty stupid.

Man, raising a tween is hard! Thank you in advance for your prayers. I am sorry if you thought this was going be a look at my cute girls post. It feels good to get it all off my chest - hopefully tomorrow will be more lighthearted for you (and me). Now, I must go put a toddler in time out, again - raising a toddler isn't easy either, but all so worth the time.

Lies Catch Up to You

Listen up children!

The lies you tell when you are little can still haunt you when you are almost 35! Don’t believe me? Let me tell you a little story.

A few days ago I was texting my two oldest best friends (or longest…whatever). We were talking about elementary school and bullies. The convo went like this.

Me: I’m trying to remember if Lacy was a bully when we were little?

Lacy: I was too scared of getting in trouble.

Gloria: My earliest Dana story is her telling me about her dead twin.

Lacy: Dead Twin?? What??

I had completely forgotten about my dead twin. If it was true then maybe I would have remembered him or her, but it wasn’t.

You see I was a bit of a liar when I was little. We are talking COMPULSIVE LIAR! I just couldn’t help myself. I don’t know if I thought my life was too boring or if I wanted a different life or I watched too much All My Children at a young age, but I had killed off both of my grandmothers by the third grade.

I got busted with every lie. I am sure my poor mom hated open house when I teacher would say, “I’m sorry to hear about your mother passing away.” My mom’s response was always “my mother passed away?”

Like the day she picked me up early to due snow in the fourth grade and had to ask herself outloud “Dana danced in the Nutcracker during Christmas break? I don’t remember Dana going to New York.” I still hear about that one every Christmas.

Flash forward 26 years and I am explaining to my best friends that I never had a twin – which they knew. It’s ok…they’ve known I was crazy for a long time. I don’t know what I was thinking at the age of nine. Gloria said on her first day of school I walked up to her and said “Hi I’m Dana and I had a twin sister that died.” Man, I needed some help!

As, I got older I realized life is dramatic enough and there is no need to embellish. Now, I know what my mom means when she says Shelby comes by lying naturally – we struggle and she gets busted every time, the same as me. I tell her over and over that lying doesn’t work and it’s not right – she’s heard the nutcracker story too. I think I’ll keep the dead twin a secret for a bit longer – still a bit embarrassed about that one myself. I will remember to tell her that her lies with haunt her…she could be explaining them 26 years.

I have to say I am happy I have friends who know things about me when I was 9 and before. I love my girl friends – they mean the world to me! I am glad they love me and all my craziness!

This is a Life Lesson that I am Learning!

Those words just came out of Shelby’s mouth. 

I am sitting on the sofa recovering – I just taught Shelby how to shave her legs – I think I might cry. 

Hair and Make-up for the talent show...when she does wear make-up it will not be this much - at all!

This afternoon Shelby hopped into the car and lifted her arms to show the drama of her day and that is when I noticed that my baby was definitely growing into a young woman before my eyes – she had a few small, but very noticeable hairs under her arms. The dread set in and I asked her if she had noticed that she had hair on her arm pits. “Oh yeah, big ones” she said “can you show me how to save them? Can we shave my legs too?” 

All I could remember is reading Stephanie Nielson’s blog once when she talked about her oldest daughter wanted to shave her legs. Her daughter is the same age as Shelby, but this was a few years ago. I remember Stephanie saying that it was end of her innocence.  This thought played in my head all night and I kept thinking, “When did I learn? Who taught me?” 

On a summer afternoon when I was eight I decided to shave after watching my mother and possibly my sister since she would have been eleven. I shaved every hair on my body while sitting in mom’s bathtub including half of right eyebrow. I walked out of the bathroom feeling all smooth and grown up, I thought maybe the eyebrow went a little too far – my mom didn’t shave hers so I little trim was enough.  I remember getting out the car the next day and my Aunt Patti asking what in the world did I do to my face. I of course said “ummm…I didn’t do anything” thinking she would actually believe half of my eyebrow just fell off over night.

So, after reliving that experience in my mind I decided to buck up and show Shelby how it is done. We first went over the basics – this is a razor and these are your legs.  JAG decided to put his two cents in like he was a pro at leg shaving. He explained how the razor is very sharp and a razor cut hurts a thousand times more than a paper cut – which Shelby cannot stand and cries about all the time.

Shelby and I sat side by side on the edge of the tub with our pants legs rolled up and soap in hand. I hesitated for a moment took a deep breath and showed my baby how to shave her legs. I have to tell you the last ten years and half years flashed before my eyes and I got all kinds of sentimental. I really should have taken a picture, but I thought looking back Shelby will think this blog post is cheesy enough.  As we lathered and shaved and rinsed the hair out of our razors Shelby turned to me and said “this is one of those life lessons I am learning, one of those memories.” All I could say was, “yes it is baby girl.”  Baby Girl – can I call her that forever please? 

You have to understand this comes on the heels of being ambushed with “the talk” during our great disconnect. I had been putting it off and putting it off then Shelby asked “What does promiscuous girl mean?” Seems her friend tried out for the talent show dancing to that song and she didn’t understand why her friend was told she would have to change songs to be a part of the talent show. As we discussed it over macaroni and cheese one night JAG decided it was time to have “the talk.”

I waffled back and forth – I’m not ready, but she needs to know, but I am not ready, but what if someone else tells her. So again I bucked up and we had the talk. Shelby took it well and there is much more talking to do. I want her to know all about the birds and the bees, but not too much. I also want to make sure she is fully aware of God’s plan and purpose for her and His wish for how she should behave. I have a lot of work to do – not that Shelby is showing signs of anything at this point, but I have to be stronger than society. I have to install things in her that her friends will probably try to talk her out of – oh man she has a lot to face in the future. I could go on and on about this topic – my bible study group just spent an entire class talking about instilling morals into our children and we could have talked for hours maybe days about this topic. 

Ok, Shelby is out of the shower so I probably need to stop writing this blog it will be embarrassing enough when she is older and reads it –she doesn’t need that embarrassment now.

Pity Party

I have been holding it in, but on this Monday morning I have to let it all out or I am going to lose my ever loving mind!!! Had those moments?

Let’s see…where to begin…

My tooth!!! Do you remember I told you that I have to get a root canal? I now have to have two of them and two crowns and on Sunday afternoon one my teeth broke. It’s not has painful to my mouth as it is to my ego – maybe ego isn’t the right word. I just feel yucky about having a tooth that is so bad that it breaks. Yuck! So I get to deal with until the end of the month. It hurts to eat and I now have a shard of tooth that cuts the side of my mouth. 

When I go in I will be sedated, does that make anyone else nervous? I just know I will start running my mouth and say a bunch of stuff that no one wants to know about me – I keep telling myself to remember to hush. 

I hate to admit, but I have been in a spiritual funk for about a month now. It’s difficult to explain. It’s  not that I have changed my core beliefs at all, I guess I am just struggling with change from a large contemporary environment. I am still learning what being Lutheran means as well. I guess I can just sum it up as I am going through somethings, trying to find my place and all of this could very well be caused by all of the outside things I have going on right now.

Our refrigerator is driving me crazy! It decides when it wants to cool and when it doesn’t. I have officially lost everything currently residing inside of the big heap of metal! We are doing our best to repair instead of replace because if you didn’t know two root canals and two crowns aren’t  cheap. This is just so frustrating and I am not sure after these repairs if I will trust the thing enough buy groceries to fill it back up. 

We have made the decision to find Duke, our two-year old Boxer, a new home. This is an emotional, but long thought out decision. Duke deserves a better life then what we are giving him. He deserves a family whose schedules work better with the type of exercise and attention he needs. I am doing my best to not feel like we have failed – I know this is for the best – I just hate having to make decisions like this, it makes me dread being a grown-up. 

Now, surprisingly the most difficult part of the blog to type. I believe that I started this blog with the intent not to sugar coat things and I have stuck true to that and do not portray my life as being all rainbows and unicorns. I also have believed since the beginning that there are topics that are meant for the blog and topics mean for the journal – both someday will be read by my children, so I want to make sure that I do not say something I will regret having them read in the future. That conclusion has come with age and maturity that I didn’t have during the start of this blog. All that being rambled out…my life with my x-husband isn’t dreamy – has it ever really been? Strike that, it was once, but hasn’t been in years. As the time passes since our divorce and life happens we have found that our dislike for each other grows. We do not have to like each other, but we both have to love Shelby and I think we are doing that.

Where are you going with this Dana? 

I am trying my best to not unleash the words that have been building in me for the past month. It is not my intent to speak badly of anyone, but lately things have been said about me publicly that are not accurate or appropriate for my daughter to see at some point in the future. The most frustrating part of it is that I am trying my best to be diplomatic about our situation and in return I have told I am not Christ-like and my parenting skills have been questioned for the world to see. It’s not horrible – I have been through worse in my life, but with everything else going on it is one of those thorns that keep festering. Again, I am doing my best to be mature and take the highroad, but have to say it is a daily struggle to not get hot headed. I my goal is to put Shelby and her well-being first before anything else – that is the reason behind all the choices I make and I plan to keep it that way. 

So, by this point you can hopefully understand why I needed a pity party this morning. When I feel like if I get one more thing put on my plate I will snap I remember: I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13. 

In The Power of a Positive Mom, Karol Ladd states “If you cannot see any positives, then hold on to his one fact: God loves you and will be with you through the difficulties.” I think it was timely that in the middle of all of this I lead a bible study base on The Power of a Positive Mom book and the topic was pitty parties – don’t you just love when that happens.

Being A Mom: Teaching Lessons

Shortly after getting out of the shower this morning I crawled back into bed next to my still sleeping husband and said “I don’t want to be a grown-up today.”

Ever feel that way?

There are times especially in the mornings where I wish I could take myself back to about 5^th grade – when my only responsibilities were to keep my room clean and not fight with my sister. These feelings have happened more often since I am entering my final trimester for pregnancy – today it was cause because I had to teach my daughter a life lesson that I just wasn’t in the mood for. The joy of being a parent is that even though we are not in the mood for it, we still have to do it – yeah me.

You see last week Shelby had two teeth pulled in preparation for braces. She had a moment where I thought I was going to have to tie her to the dentist chair, but a little happy gas helped and it was over in no time.

The next morning (because I have no memory these days) I got ten dollars in cash at the grocery store and I had the cashier put it into two five dollar bills thinking five dollars for two teeth was pretty good - $2.50 a tooth. Now the tooth fair, otherwise known as JAG, took pitty on Shelby after I was already in bed for the night and gave her the entire ten dollars. I laughed – guess we should have discussed this, but it’s ok she did have to go through a lot to get those two out.

Flash forward to this morning – Shelby had to hand over that ten dollars to her daycare director. You see my child lost another field trip t-shirt – the second one this summer. So far she has spent $20 on the same shirt.

This is where I am teaching a lesson, but this is also where my heart hurts a bit – is that normal? I feel bad taking her money especially since it has been securely in her wallet for a week and she had plans on showing it to her father tonight. At the same time she needs to learn responsibility. She handled it well, she was disappointed, but dug into her wallet and handed over her last ten dollars to purchase a shirt so she could go on a her field trip today.

She is growing up – faster then I want some days and learning the lessons that will help her in the future – let’s just hope I am helping, not hurting.

I Cry – I Don’t Think There is a Normal.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. I am sorry to say that I do not know all the details of this day and the meaning in the Lutheran Church, but I am learning. I didn’t even know it was a day/service until JAG quickly told me as we walked into church. He had forgotten that the pastor made sure to tell him – you will see why. All I have to say is Pastor if you are reading this we really need to get boxes of Kleenexes in the sanctuary next year. Especially in the back left (my left, your right) you know where I am every Sunday.

When JAG pulled me aside and told me I didn’t think too much of it – I was sure I could handle it – it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Let me stop because I know there are a few of you that are just completely lost right now. Since I introduced you to JAG I have kept a story to myself mainly because it was not my story to tell, but the realization is that it is has now become a part of my story. I am just going to type and see what the Lord gives me to share with you today.

I am JAG’s second wife. I have dealt with dating (and even marrying) a divorced man. In many ways divorce is so much easier then what JAG had for me. His first wife, his first love, the one he would have never divorced passed away from cancer.

I think I knew more about her then I did him when I decide to meet JAG in person (we met online incase you hadn’t heard).  I swear I have typed and deleted about a dozen sentences so far in the paragraph. Lets just say I was a very cautious girl and did my homework which lead me to meet JAG’s first wife via obituaries and blog posts by JAGdad before I met JAG. This helped me, it helped me to have a face. Looking back, I think it help me with the bond I feel to her.

Even though looking back on our time together so far things have never gotten bad enough for me to run, it hasn’t always been easy. Since the beginning I believed we were put together at this exact time for a reason. When we met my father was just diagnosed with cancer and I was about to face the 1 year anniversary of James’ death. We understood each other. We both faced cancer with a loved one and we both lost someone who was close to us too soon.

To be honest with you – it has been hard. Harder then I could ever imagine, but at the same thing I would not change a thing. I struggle with loving someone so much who was in love me, but still so in love with her. That is understandable – I read articles on it in the beginning. I was very careful not to rush him I just sat back and let him lead. Her death was not sudden and if there is one thing that she did well was prepare. She prepared ever detail – she knew who would get what piece of jewelry, she knew the scriptures she wanted during her memorial service – she made lists galore. She also had a long talk with her husband – wait that is their story. I want to be very careful when giving this to you that I do not try to tell a story that does not belong to me.

Besides knowing that he loved someone still so much my other struggle is the knowing that all this awesomeness I am in now would not be if is wasn’t for her death. I think that gets me more than anything. It’s not guilt, it’s sadness. You know how I feel about grief. I am also a healer so if it were up to me she would be here right now and there would be no pain in her family or in his. Again, I have to think – things happen for a reason. Urgh…I am rambling aren’t I?

Let’s just say there are books about there, but they do not do any good because I don’t believe there is a right way – or a wrong way – to date, fall in love and marry a widower. I am kind of making it up as I go.

With that said I didn’t think that All Saints Sunday would affect me, but man I was so wrong! I opened up that bulletin and saw her name. I realized then that this would not be just a brief mention – I started bighting the inside of my mouth trying to fight back the tears, but it didn’t help. I felt it in my throat – the starting of my balling – full out balling. New purse equals no Klennexs. I looked around the pew – nothing. I jumped up and walked as fast as I could to the nearest bathroom. I pulled at least half of the box out – sorry I will bring a new box on Sunday – and proceeded to have a little out loud sobbing before going back in. My hope was it would be over by the time I got back. Of course that didn’t happen – someone upstairs thought I needed to face this. I am sure all you could hear during the moment of silence was my crying and Shelby asking “why is she crying?” over and over again. I regained composer after a few minutes, then turned to JAG and said “I am glad it is get a shot of wine Sunday. I so need it.” – I hope that doesn’t offend anything we really needed some comic relief at that moment. I think I cried enough for the both of us because JAG sat there as manly as ever – you could tell he cried on the inside, but you never saw a tear.

After service a younger woman that have I started to get to know came over. She had good intentions, but her statements are what led me to type this blog. She asked why I was crying and if I lost someone recently. I just looked at JAG because this was JAG’s church since he was a child – you have to have been sleeping through every service if you didn’t know the loss that JAG went through. She knew, but she just couldn’t grasp how it would affect me. She reassured me again and again how I was part of the church family now. Urgh how to do I say this with out sounding tacky – she had the best of intentions and I feel blessed that someone was concerned for my crying, but I think most people around me knew why I was crying. This is where I make it up as I go – I am not sure if it normal or not, but I cry about JAG’s first wife. I mourn for her. I feel like I have grown so close to her as well so when Pastor said her name it didn’t feel like he was saying my now husband’s first wife’s name, but that he was saying the name of one of my dearest friends. Many pictures of her still sit through out our home and she will remain there. If God gives us children, then they will know. Those are JAG’s memories and I will preserve them as long as he wants me to.

Again, it hasn’t been easy, I wish things were different, but I am so blessed to be the one going through this with him.

Sorry that I did not include a name. I mean you don’t even get JAG’s name, so I definitely wasn’t going to include her name. She is in this blog – there is a blog with a picture of her – I snuck it in.

I want to leave you with something pretty. While typing this I listened to Mindy Gledhill. This is one of my favorites for you.

Flashback Friday: 18 Years Ago

Happy Friday! I thought I would go way back – well almost 18 years ago. It is Homecoming Season, so I thought this would be fitting.

Yeap – that oh so young girl was me at the age of 15. JAG is looking at this cannot not focus on anything else, but that HUGE mum. As I have told him before football in Texas high schools is huge and it was even bigger in South Texas. Now I do agree the mum was overkill. I was HUGE, HEAVY and it was REAL! It was so beautiful and I thought I was the bee’s knee’s.

The guy three years older then I was the love of my life at the time. He was so dreamy (then). He was my first mistake in relationships – and continued making that mistake for almost three years until it all ended in – ummm yeah I don’t really think it is appropriate to get into the details. I believe he is living in another state with a career from what I seen on Facebook – we stopped speaking even by an every once in awhile email about 12 years ago.

I do have to say though – that girl was nothing like I am today. That guy, that relationship is what truly began the change into the person I am today. Again I say, “Oh if I could go back.” I would tell that girl to take of the over sized obnoxious mum and RUN! Run as fast as you can away from him. I am sure he has grown and is just as different as I am today – saying this incase anyone else would like to date him.  

Oh, I am giving you way too much for a simple flash back – sorry. Want to see more flashback with hopefully less baggage then mine? Go visit Christopher and Tia.

After Post Edit: Well not really edit, but I have more I want to share with you today. I debated on putting it into another post or just forgetting about it, but I feel I need to write to get it out. I really makes the post above seem like nothingness.

My eyes are puffy this morning. They show signs of the morning I have had already. If there is one thing in this world that I just can’t seem to stomach it is grief. As I have said before grief is the worst emotion of all – I think everyone would agree. I am still shocked that I can still find myself sobbing in the shower over a year and a half later. Because it really has been that long since I have spoken to James, but sometimes a dream or a simple thought can pull me back into the pain all over again.

This time I think it was brought on by the combination of James’ sister Susan posting this beautiful picture on the memorial site I created for him in Facebook.

Then finding where she wrote about him there too – Facebook does not update me when things are done even though I created the group, so I stumble upon them. Then last night I had a dream that he was back, but just for a short time and I knew in my dream he would be gone again – sorry got teary for a second. URGH! I don’t understand why I still have these surges of emotions – well I know why, but I wish it would stop – really I don’t because that would mean I would have forgotten about him and what he means to me.

Anyway – I needed to share that. Will it get better? I was hoping I would be better then this by now. If you are new to my blog please got here and here to learn who James is (I prefer not to say was) and what he means to me.

Knowing What I was Missing Before

I was planning an writing on this topic anyway today, but then I read- as I do each morning – NieNie. I am telling you now that if you are not reading her you need to – really…remember this post I did about her here?

Each Monday Stephanie does a NieNie asks segment on blogher and today she asked “What Make You Lucky?” Oh it was perfect!!!!

What makes me Lucky is knowing what I was missing before…

Before I was blessed with a beautiful daughter.

Before I met JAG.

Before I experience what a true, loving, healthy and respectful relationship feels like.

Before I put God before anything else in my life.

Before I was able to take pictures like this…

I keep no secrets about how lucky I feel to be where I am today. I just want to tell that one reader who I am not sure if I know in person or not that he will come. I still think back to that Valentine’s weekend where I sat alone in my house. No Shelby, no big Valentines date – just me, some wine and some chick flicks. During that weekend I made things right in myself. I looked around and said “I am fine right here. If God chooses to not bring anyone to continue my life with I will be perfectly fine right here”. Then of course I said “Please please God. Ok ok…it is in your hands”. I was done with dating. I was content being single – it was a hell of a lot easier then dealing with the loser market of men that came my way. Most of you know how the story goes – a chance email check which lead to a website which lead to a picture of a man which lead me to read his story. Which in that exact moment I knew, cheesy as it may sound, that the big man upstairs said, “you needed to go through what you did, so that you would be ready. You are ready, so here he is.” Well, probably not in those exact words.

I am lucky in that respect. I used to pull my hair out when people would say, “maybe if you take a break from looking he will come to you”. My statement was always, “the next one will be the one…I know it”. That never happened.  I know all of my single readers will cringe when I say find peace within you. Love you and where you are on this exact minute. I am not Dr. Ruth – is she a love doctor or a sex doctor – anyway I am neither, but I do know that I would not have been able to even if I had met JAG before to be where I am if I did not find comfort in being single, step back, and put it in God’s hands. Also enjoy your time. The quiet time to read a book or watch whatever you want to watch on TV or to dance in the kitchen to anything you want. To do those things that us girls do when no one is at home – like spend an hour in front of the mirror removing blackheads – oh wait that might just be me. I also talk to myself… a lot – is that being alone or crazy? Anyway, take the time to enjoy your space before you do this with your life.

My stuff stacked in JAG’s garage.

Don’t get me wrong – I am ecstatic about my move and my starting of a new life and family. I wish I could hug every one of my single readers and friends. I understand what it was like, I was there. My hope is that you will feel what I am feeling now – because I appreciate it so much more then I would have a year ago – for that I am lucky.

 For my lovely reader who asked here is the start of my cross wall. Gweedo, the first husband, would never let me have one – I won’t go into why, but I didn’t even have to ask JAG.

He (JAG) did correct the order of my Faith Hope Love crosses though – what would I do without him – my crosses would be all wrong.

No go visit Stephanie’s blog the Nienie dialogues and check her link to blogher to read what makes others Lucky!

In a Fog

Have you ever completely missed a street that you turn on everyday? Each morning I turn on the same street at almost the same time. Today, I totally missed it and before I realized I was almost a block away. I was lost in thought or so I think because I am really not sure what was happening. I was awaken from the fog of my life by Shelby saying “ummm mom.”

I can’t blame it on sleep deprivation because I was in bed by ten last night. It may be part of my monthly funk. I wish I could pin point what it is exactly and cure it, but to be honest it is work, Shelby’s schedule, and a little thing called a wedding that has put me where I am today.

Please there is no need for concern. I have never wanted anything more than to be Mrs. JAG. I cannot picture my future any other way, but it is the getting there that is driving me batty. There is the normal stress of a wedding day and trying not  to become Bridezilla. Then, in our case there is the stress of combining two completely furnish stocked to the rim homes. That is a feat and a half because we both struggle with letting go of things.

My biggest struggle these days is my house. It may not look like much to you, but to me it used to be everything. I come to tears even writing about it now. You see I entered to my marriage to Gweedo with nothing and I felt like I left with less than nothing – if you have gone through a divorce you understand that feeling. Shelby and I spent six months in a one bedroom apartment rebuilding out lives to the point where I could purchase a home for us to live in. I did it all by myself – this was a huge feat for me. I had not even purchased a car on my own before that point. This house to me even though it is not much look at some days is independence. After a not so great marriage that is all I wanted – to show the world I can do this on my own.

From the first day I moved in it was mine. If I wanted my sofa against a certain wall all I had to do was move it there. I didn’t have to consult with anyone or persuade someone to see it the way I did. All the way down to the way I arranged my pantry was solely up to me. I needed it, I love it and at the time two years ago I didn’t want life to be any different. Just me, Shelby, Beau, a hamster and a house – all I needed to feel successful.  

Well I don’t have to tell that times change. God blessed me with a wonderful man and my priorities have changed. The house is slowly being cleaned out and by December 1^st (I hope) another family will move in and make their own memories. I am keeping the house, but someone else (or many other people) will spend their Christmas’ there. That makes me happy, but at the same time is a little sad and very stressful.

So, I guess that is why I missed my turn this morning. I was in another world of thought trying to come to terms with moving all my things into someone else’s house. A house that I will eventually call mine as well. A house that will one day feel the same as the one on a corner lot just five minutes away, hell it may feel even more like home than that house. I do have to admit, it has a much better back yard than mine, there are not shootings across the street and JAG is there. I can do this and I am not giving up any independence – well at least that I am not supposed to.

That last sentence was just for me. Blah…I guess I am keeping it real for you all. Thank you for reading…I needed to just get it out.

Now to DECORATING!!! I am going to break in JAG’s house this weekend while he is at men’s retreat and decorate for Fall!!! That will make me feel better I am sure!

Forty Years Ago

Yes I said forty years ago and no it was not when I was born – how rude! Let me give you some facts about 1970. If you were alive and kicking in 1970 you would have paid $23,450 for a brand new home. Yes, I brand new home and we probably aren’t talking a two bedroom one bath number either. The average income in America was $9,400 which would allow you to afford gas at 36 cents a gallon – oh those were the days.

Also in 1970 a young man met a nice young lady in a happening local establishment. He was fresh out of Vietnam all thin and handsome with gorgeous green eyes. She was…sorry I can’t type this with a straight face. Let me just let my mother tell you.

When I decided to write a blog about my parents meeting and marriage 40 years ago I did not want to misrepresent the fact – especially since she is reading my blog now, so I decided to interview her about her marriage.

Me: When did you meet him? Him being my father.

Mom: June 1970

Me: Where were you? It’s ok meeting at a bar is normal these days.

Mom: The Marke Two on Harry Hine Boulevard

I have been told this was a really nice bar, but seriously now it is a dump. I would not be caught in that area after dark even in a car.

Me: What did you think when you first saw him?

Mom: Good looking, dressed nice, hoping he was single!

That answer cracked me up!

Me: What did your parents think when you told them you were getting married?

Mom: Very happy – they thought I would was going to be an old maid at “23” and did not like the fact that I was going to bars every weekend. 

Me: Were you nervous about tying the knot?

Mom: No, not at all- knew that he was the right one for me.

Me: Where did you get married?

Mom: Madill, Oklahoma
Yes, mother you were spelling it wrong, this is the correct spelling.
 

Me: What are your memories of that day?

Mom: We arrived in OKLA about 10:00 AM Saturday to get the license, however the County Clerk had gone to a football game and we had to wait until late afternoon before she could issue the license and we were finally married about 7:30 PM at a Baptist Minister's house just off the square and he was in his late 80's. We drove back to the state line to a bar called Johnny's and had barbecue, played a game of pool and drove back to Irving. Sunday we found an apartment, moved in (that is back we you could move into an apartment in one day) and both went back to work Monday morning! 

Me: What is the key to a long and successful marriage?

Mom: Be there in good time and bad. Keep your sense of humor. Give without expecting anything in return and be thrilled when you get something in return. Laugh, love, forgive and try to forget.

Me: Here is the kicker…would you do it again?

Mom: Yes!! With all we have been thru, I would be lost without my Dave…

Small tear! I love you guys! Happy 40^th Wedding Anniversary! I am so proud you all held it together this long!