Even When Things are Terrible, He has got it

Know that God is in control. Even when things are terrible, He has got it.

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I have a very wise husband. And the guy is overly talented at knowing exactly when I need certain reminders. Like above that he sent me today. 

I know the statement above to be true, but man, the struggle is real! 

I am on social media (mainly Facebook) way more than I should be - I’ll admit it. Sometimes I call it “my job”. I read articles, I connect with friends, I connect with other bloggers and writers and, of course, I post what I write. But with all truthfulness, I am on social media way too much. 

Lately I’ve been funky. I mean a serious black cloud of blah has been following me around. I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that it’s mid September and I live in Houston - where the weather stinks. Last week we had a little teaser of fall, but this week it’s back up in the nineties. As I person who throughly adores Fall that really makes me funky. I am ready for crunchy leaves and not breaking a sweat walking from the door to my car (not from being out of shape, mind you, but for the humidity). I was even going to write a post about the Un-Fall Funk - it’s a true condition - I have it. 

Today as I was reading the 10 millionth article about the kid with the “clock”  (who is actually from my hometown) and was like “enough is enough.” I am so tired of the world right now! I am tired of what the media does to us by making stories way bigger than they should be (not talking about the clock, just in general). I have found myself in the past month reading a news story, then researching it. I want the “truth” - I want to know the details before I know if I should get up in arms about something. That research just leads to more “Oh My Goodness - What is the World Coming To?” feelings. 

I spent my lunch time today un-following and un-friending people or groups that constantly just talk news because honestly I am done - I don’t want to hear it anymore. I would rather live in the dark, not know what’s happening in the majors cities around me, then live in this funk. 

I received the message above after sharing this tangent with my husband. My initial response, “ugh…I know!” It was not so much of a “don’t preach to me” as it was a defeating sigh. I know He is and I need to trust Him. 

Trust is what I need to do. Trust that He has all of this, that He knows what He is doing and in the end there will be victory over the evil that is in our world right now. 

What I don’t need to do is challenge Him. I find myself saying, “Okay Lord. Just come back and let’s get this over with. Please stop the suffering. Please stop the hate. Please stop the violence. Lord, please save us from this mess that we’ve made. Come Now! SOS! We need you!”

Oh man, how we need you. I need you - my neighbor needs you - the president needs you - the ladies from the View definitely need you (don’t even get me started). 

Wow, as I have typed this I’ve felt a weight lift off of me. I love that feeling, when you let it go and give it to him. It’s not my job to fix our society. It’s not my job to turn everyone into believers. All I am to do is follow Him and love people. 

Speaking of loving people and Facebook. In the midst of all of this yuck, I’ve been blessed. I could never have imagined that someone I have never met would bless me so much, but Kara Tippets and her legacy has done it again. 

A community was formed (there is an official Facebook group for it) of people who are friends of Kara’s. Many of us friends never got the opportunity to meet Kara, but we all still mourn the loss of our dear friend. Yesterday, 3,500 people joined the group and at last count on my prayer journal I was allowed the amazing opportunity to pray for close to 100 of those women. Women who are battling cancer, have lost their spouses, their parents and women who like me were inspired to do great things because of Kara. 

In the process of writing my story there are two key people that the Holy Spirit worked through to give me the courage to share all my ugly with you. One was my dear friend, Emily, just the excitement that she had to learn more about me and my life made it so much easier to get this all started. And secondly was Kara. Every time I got down on myself and listened to people who said my story should remain under the rug I would listen to Kara speak on sharing your story and the power of being vulnerable. 

Yesterday through the power of the thing I dislike so much today (Facebook) I was able to connect and love on women who just needed an outlet to share their feelings, their fears and ask for prayer. It’s been absolutely amazing. It’s a bright spot in a very dark world. I wish their stories were news headlines because they should be heard. We should be rallying around the women who are battling for their lives instead of women who live to make buck off of others’ suffering. I don’t want to know which Kardashian did what, I want to know how I can love women who need love and someone to lean on. 

Out of all the women that I “meet” yesterday, Becky McCoy’s story stood out and made such an impact on my heart. I ask that you watch this video and that you keep Becky and her beautiful children in your prayers. Please pray for Becky on Sunday as she runs a half marathon in the honor of her amazing husband. 

You can also follow her blog: http://ourlifeinfourbags.com/

And if you are interested, here is more information about the Mundane Faithfulness Community on Facebook: http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/9/15/new-place-to-gather

Also, as always, I strongly suggest that you read Kara’s blog. Her friends have done an amazing job re-posting Kara’s writing. I promise that you will be blessed by Kara as well. http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/

As for me, well I can’t stop Facebook all together, but I do plan to step back some. I should focus my attention on the stack of writing submission opportunities that sit on the desk in front of me. And I most definitely need to focus on the mounds of laundry that never seems to fold itself. 

Please know that I here to pray for you. If there is something weighing on your heart today please allow me to lift it up to Jesus as well. 

And remember He is in control - He’s got this. Love you! 

Pushing Through the Fear with Prayer

Today, I am going to mesh together two separate journal entries for you and pray for an inspiring outcome (we will see what happens - don’t get your hopes up). 

A few weeks ago I read a post on Mundane Faithfulness called The Unimaginable Power of Truth. One line (or idea) stuck out to me:

I learned to use peace as my measuring stick to Truth. If I lost my peace, “What lie am I believing?”

This has been flashing in my head almost constantly in the past few weeks as felt less joy filled. I have asked myself “What lies am I believing?” 

And the answer is and has been: This is all going to end - something is going to happen. 

In one word: Fear

If you know me than it is not a shock to hear that one of my biggest battles in life today is anxiety - I’m a worrier - I blame my Meme who passed this trait to my mother who passed this trait to me. (I feel like I’ve written that statement before) We are told over and over in the bible (I think actually about 21 times - at least that’s what google told me) to not fear. I know this, but still I struggle and I am telling you the struggle is real!

I live with a battle against anxiety and the one thing that will throw me into a full on panic attack is the thought of losing my life or any of my children (and yes, Matt, too). A few weeks ago I had two incidents that really pushed my anxiety to it’s limits (are their limits?)

It was a Thursday afternoon as I sat at my computer while the girls napped and I heard a thumping sound from the washing machine. I sat thinking, “it may be my sheets lumped together”, then I decided to see what was causing the sound - maybe it was a princess toy or even a shoe (it’s happened). I was horrified a I dug through wet sheets to find our iPod. In our house I have had the best track record with my apple products (knock on wood) and have had this iPod for five years. The girls had been using it in their room to play music while they slept. I remembered Morgan bringing it in my room and sitting it on my bed. I was so mad at myself for not seeing it as I pulled sheet off my bed and threw them in the washer. I pulled the wet iPod out, shook it off, and saw that it was still on (that was promising). I ran downstairs and frantically dug through the pantry (which is actually very organized at the moment - just saying). “How do we have no rice!” I exclaimed. 

Flash forward to bedtime. The iPod was still working, but the speaker was dead. My blue tooth speaker saved the day and the girls were able to have music while they slept. They actually never realized anything happened, but my “something might happen” anxiety was on full tilt. I hate to say I didn’t believe Matt’s response when I asked, “Do you think it will catch fire?”, but nope I didn’t believe it for a minute. (Fire is a huge fear for me) I did my best to breathe, but I was wide awake at 1 am. I got up grabbed the iPod out of the girls’ room and here is where I sound crazy (you’re asking - oh, everything before this wasn’t crazy? Ok, Dana)

I stood in the hallway holding the iPod thinking, “Where can I put this so if it does burst into flames we can all get out safely?” You know, not in the hall, not downstairs (living in a two-story house makes my “we are going to die in a fire” fear worse). I wound up placing it in a far corner of our bedroom then I could sleep.I am happy to report the there was no fire in my house, but the iPod is officially dead - Which means it won’t blow-up, right?

So, since we survived perishing in a fire, I moved my thoughts to the four hour car trip ahead of us later that week. I always battle anxiety (true that!) when I drive Shelby half way to North Texas to meet her dad. Lately, it felt worse I think because she’s entering high school. I told Matt through tears, “I’ve got her this far and I don’t want to lose her now.” I normally leave the littles with their grandparents and borrow my father in-laws car because Shirley (the mini-van) is becoming less reliable. Unfortunately,  my in-laws were not available this time. No worries, we pushed back the meeting time back and Matt joined me. It was going to be a quick trip (if you can view two hours there and two hours back as quick). I still had fear, but having Matt with me always helps. The first hour of the trip was great and I was in the driver’s seat, then as I was changing lanes we heard a thump like I hit a metal pipe. I wish it was a pipe - it was my front right tire blowing out. I automatically heard David Eckles (my drivers-ed teacher) saying, “Do not step on your break, coast to a stop.” And with all of the horrifying news stories I have read, I pulled WAY of the highway into the grass. Matt rolled his eyes (as he is doing now reading this) and said, “I cannot change the tire in the grass.” After I moved over some and Matt started changing the tire a scared voice in the backseat (Bekah) said, “Daddy is going to get dead.”

This is where I put my head in my hands and think, I cannot pass my crazy anxiety onto my children. Seriously, as I type this and it can be funny to re-tell, but I have to get a handle on my fears. 

After her statement we prayed. All the girls still in seat belts held hands and all three repeated after me as we prayed for daddy, for the other motorists and for Shirley (because that girl needed some help). I felt such relief after that prayer which really did confirm that prayer was the way to handle this situation and reminded my of friend Stephanie from high school. 

When I was a senior in high school I did not have a car of my own (which looking back was such a smart move on my parent’s part because I would have run off to California if I had my own set of wheels) (why is it that California is always the place you think you are going to run off to as a child - or is that just me?). Anyway, I would catch ride with my friend, Stephanie, home from school and to events. The first time I rode with her she got in the driver’s seat, shut her door, then paused with her keys in her lap. I was like, “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” She was praying. That girl prayed every single time she got in that car. Back in my late teens I thought she was crazy, but as an adult I sit here thinking, “That was so smart.” 

Back to Shirley on the side of a highway in the middle of nowhere - we made it safely off the side of the road, but my spare was bad, so we wound up three hours from home in a hotel for the night. The Littles thought it was a great vacation, but really it was a very expensive “short” trip. 

The past four days have brought even more fear, which I am sure people in my community understand. 

I remember the morning of September 11, 2001 I sat on the sofa glued to the news. As I rubbed my very large, 9-month pregnant belly I thought, “What kind of world am I brining my daughter into?” Absolute pure fear raced thought my body as a mother to be (probably similar to what most felt that day). 

This past Saturday morning, almost 14 years later a very similar feeling flooded my mind as I sat with my iPad reading the details of what happened just six miles from my home. Even today, as I write this I still ask, “What kind of world am I raising my daughters in?” I feel scared, angry and completely helpless all at once which only leads me to one place - prayer.  I pray for our police officers, I pray for their families, I pray for the hearts of the people who feel the need to kill to get their point heard, I also pray for the families of those people as well. I pray that the Lord will bring peace to our nation. I pray for our government. I pray that we will have strong leaders that can guide us to becoming a peaceful nation. I pray for the safety of my family which includes a law enforcement officer. I pray for the Lord’s healing peace to reside in me and for the tears of fear to end. 

What is stealing your joy today? What lies are you believing? 

Are you like me and find yourself taken over by fear? Have you given those fears to God through prayer? Take time today to pray, pray out loud even - it’s very comforting. 

Take it from someone who battles the anxiety demon, it takes effort to change our thought patterns, but it can change - at least I’m praying that it will. 

Prayers for Kaden

Good Morning Friends,

I'm opening my blog this morning to ask you to please stop what you are doing right now to pray for fellow blogger (and Texan), Diana Stone. Diana writes Hormonal Imbalances, she also writes for She Reads the Truth. I started following her about a year ago after she lost her twin sons. Today my friends she has a newborn son, named Kaden, who is fighting for his life in a Dallas hospital.

picture by Kristine Garcia Photography, pulled from Diana's blog {source}

Diana's post this morning led me to tears and strong prayer. You can read her post here: http://www.hormonal-imbalances.com/2013/08/praying-for-a-miracle/, but let me take some pieces out for you.

She asks directly for the pray she needs:

"Pray that God heals his heart. Pray that the power of the Lord is shown through a miracle. Pray that even with my small faith, God can take my imperfect prayers and all of yours and turn this into something powerful. Something big." {source}

Please, please also pray hard for Diana and her husband, Sam. 

I'll keep you updated. 

Prayer

Today is the National Day of Prayer. It's a day to pray for our leaders and our nation. I invite you to visit the National Day of Prayer website today for more information.

http://nationaldayofprayer.org/

This morning I am praying for our Nation, but I'm also praying for this young girl. 

{source}

This beautiful young girl is Ruby Contreras. She is 14 and lives in my town (or city - we are in the burbs). She is a Middle School student who was last since April 24th leaving school. She is believed to be with a 26 year old man that she met online. They were last seen in El Paso, Texas. Here is a video from our local news.

View more videos at: http://nbcdfw.com.

If you follow me on facebook you are thinking "you are obsessed with this case, Dana." That could be a somewhat true statement and let me tell you why - that could have been me. My heart ached as the details started to unravel about this story. With each detail I was brought back to an indecent I got myself involved in when I was just 13. I am not ready for details, let me just tell you that I praise God this morning that I was safely brought out of the situation - I was not smart. I made what could have been a life changing mistake. That day and the what ifs are really messing with me as I pray for Ruby. 

11:52 pm on 5/2/13 Post Edit: Ruby has been found safe in Mexico. They have her and the man in custody. The authorities are working with the Mexican authorities to get her back to the United States. Again, please pray for this young girl. Her life has been changed this week. I am in tears and praising the Lord that she was found safe. 

I pray that she returns home safely and I pray for her spirit. No matter the outcome this is going to leave a mark on the rest of her life. I pray for understanding of God's plan for her life. I'm praying hard for this girl. 

Not only does it make me deal with the mistakes of my young life; it makes prepare for another serious discussion with Shelby about internet safety and things people will tell you to lead you astray (physically and mentally). I was about to say it tough raising kids these days, but I'm reminded that that could of been me twenty-two years ago long before internet was common thing. Scary. 

In the timely manner that God has I read an article yesterday written by Jennifer K Dean and released by Faithlife Women called Parenting by Prayer. Let me share a few parts that stuck out to me then I invite you to go read the entire article. 

They discuss how you "cannot parent character into your children". Dean stated, You can correct and punish him when you catch him lying; you can teach him honestly by example; you can show him videos and read him stories that teach honesty; you can lead him to memorize Scriptures about honesty. Oh, my I did all of these over the weekend along with having Shelby write "I will not lie" about 300 times followed by bible verse that back up my point. 

Dean continues, By doing these things, you will certainly lay the groundwork and give him the tools to live honestly, but you cannot make him honest. Why? Because truth has to reside in his innermost being, and you cannot put truth into his innermost being. That's something God has to do. 

Only God can out truth and wisdom inside your child. 

Dean goes on to talk about praying in the spirit not in the flesh. See if this sound as familiar to you as it did to me. She says, Our flesh will pray, "Don't let anything bad happen." To which the Lord will say, "I need to allow disappointment, pain, and failure so that I can give him the treasures of darkness and the riches stored in secret places." I was told by a wise woman (Kasey Van Norman) to question the use of scripture. This statement is pulled from Isaiah 45:3. I'm officially putting it on my list of things to do today to make sure I like the way it's used here. I'll do a post edit later if I don't care for it - it may take me a bit. 

Anyway, please go read the entire article: Parenting by Prayer

And now take a deep breath as I am having to do this morning. I leave you with this token that has touched me this morning.  

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Praying

There are days when someone else's blog speaks so much stronger than anything I could tell you.

To I ask that you go visit Kelly's Korner - She is taking prayer requests. Leave a request if you needed it, but I ask you to please take a moment out of your day and pray for all the people in need of prayer today.

http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2012/06/prayer-requests.html

The Skeleton at the feast is YOU: Battling Bitterness

I want to ask you a question and then talk about it some today.

Have we forgiven correctly if we hold bitterness?

Have we forgiven correctly if these statements come from our mouth?

Why should they experience happiness after what happened?

That person does not deserve good after what he did to me and he definitely does not deserve to have a good time with my child.

Why is he coming out of this like none of this was his fault?

I have to admit I have said a few of those things – one of them is my favorite, but I won’t share with you which because I think they are all wrong – at least I think that is what I think. Bear with me, I want to walk you through my thinking and see if we come out on the same page in the end. You have a second? Good, get comfortable.

Let’s start with a dictionary.

Merian Webster defines Bitter as

          Marked by intensity or severity

          Accompanied by severe paid or suffering

          Being relentlessly determined

          Exhibiting intense animosity

Animosity is defined by Webter as ill will or resentment tending toward active hostility.

So, now lets look at Forgiveness (or forgive)

          To give up resentment of or claim to requital for

          To grant relief from payment of

          To cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

The antonym of forgive is resent.

Now that we have the sixth grade English lesson over let’s talk about this conundrum we have ourselves in because if you are anything like me it’s hard to give up that resentment when our scars still have not healed.

Let me tell you that this is not an x-wife thing or a woman thing. You could have bitterness towards your parents, towards an old bully from school or someone who has hurt you and your family.

I once sat in a sermon led by Barry Jones at Irving Bible Church and he called what we do Relational Pong. Most of you remember the lovely Atari game Pong – you know two paddles and a little ball that bounced back and forth on the screen. Your only job was to give your opponent back what he was giving you (the little white ball). Melinda and I would play this game for hours, but I don’t think I was that good at it then.

As an adult have mastered, with some embarrassment, the game of Relational Pong. You give me a zinger and I will give it right back to you. You raise your voice at me and I will scream even louder at you. It’s not good, it’s not healthy and it’s nothing to be awarded for.

Barry Jones, said The only way to stop playing Pong is to forgive.

In Ephesians Paul wrote

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry – but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the devil that kind of foothold in your life. Ephesians 4:31-32 (MSG)

He continued this point with

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)

Before I go any further let’s talk about what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is not the same as Forgetting. There are things you could never forget and there are things are not healthy for you to forget. The last thing I want you to do is to act like this never happened. If you know me you know that I have had more things happen in my first 34 years on this earth then most people. I have been tested, I have failed, I have been hurt and I have hurt others. Never once did I stand in front of anyone and say oh let’s just forget that. Every bit of my struggle has molded me into the person I am today – it has caused me to evaluate things differently and make new decision to walk new paths in my life. Please don’t forget – that could be dangerous, but forgive.

Forgiveness is not the same as Condoning. As Ephesians 4:26 says above You do well to be angry. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did to you is ok. It’s also not making excuses like Oh, he was in a bad spot in his life. Jones said in his sermon, God does not want us to excuse evil. The first step in forgiving someone is condemning them – you have to say what they did.

Forgiveness is not the same as Reconciling. I feel as if my old best friend and I have forgiven each other for the actions that caused our 20 year friendship to end, but I have to tell you we will probably never reconcile. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean a magic wand has been waved and things will go back to the way they were before. God wants us to reconcile with each other, though. He wants us to love each other, but forgiveness is a process and no wand, no matter how much it costs, can put things back to the way they were before. Reconciliation requires two parties – forgiveness is something you can do alone, it all starts with your heart.

Oh, I could sit here and recite many scriptures from the bible that tell you, you need to forgive like Matthew 6:14-5 and Mark 11:25, but what I want to tell you is I feel your pain. I understand the feeling of wanting grace for yourself, but justice for the person who did you harm. I have made myself curl up in a ball and cry for hours over the bitterness and resentment I hold against people who have wronged me. Forgiving someone is a painful process, but not forgiving them or not forgiving them properly is far more painful. Seriously, look at it, I mean who was I hurting crying in self pity about things that caused me pain. Am I hurting him? Does he feel anything as I am locked in my bedroom crying? Nope, he feels nothing – I am not doing anything to him, I am just causing pain to myself. I am the one licking my wounds and feeding my anger.

Fedrick Buecher was quoted as saying, of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is the possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back –in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.

The Skeleton at the feast is YOU. Harboring resentment, holding on to the past and not fully forgiving is sucking the life out us.

Now you ask – Ok, Dana how in the world do I get the bitterness and resentment out of my life so I can forgive fully and correctly?

To this question I throw my hands up in the air and say I don’t know so I suggest you pray about it all. Was that a copout? Let me tell you this dear friend, I am still working on it too and as I learn new things I will share them with you. We can beat this together. I just need one promise from you: pray for me as I will pray for you.

I invite you to go to Irving Bible Church’s website and listen to Barry Jones’ sermon from November 8, 2009 – you can find it here:

Forgive Us Our Debts

If you are a new or re-committed believer and need a bible please let me know! I prefer the NIV Starting Point Study Bible which is out of print, but I have two copies on my bookcase that are eager to find new homes and I will track down twenty more if I need to do so. You can read more about my love for the NIV Starting Point Study Bible, here.

Want to pray, but not sure how to even go about it? You can read more about prayer, here.

And just to make sure all my bases are covered if I say find it here all you have to do is click on the word here and you will directed to the blog entry I am mentioning. I want to make sure everyone gets to where they need to be. 

A Little Thursday Confessional

I have been listening to Kelle Hampton’s playlist lately. Kelle’s is the only blog with music that I can stand. Her song choices always seem to match with her posts for that day. I decided some time ago (in a non-stalking way) to just listen to her playlist through playlist (I know some of you are lost) and not go to her blog (even though lately I read everything she posts). It is a beautiful mix of Coldplay, Adele and U2 with a little of The Shins for fun. It’s wonderful. You can find it here if you want to listen. My personal playlist is up at the top of my page.

I have a few things to admit to you this Thursday, are you ready?

First, I am really starting to enjoy this pregnancy – maybe enjoy is the right word – excited might be better. I have been having baby dreams with a chubby little baby, girl of course (we don’t know yet). My confession is I didn’t think I would get excited – I have been more in shock and a bit scared. You see I never thought it would happen this fast. Don’t get me wrong JAG and I knew what we were up to, but I had already placed myself in the infertile group due to my PCOS. I thought it would take more work and at least a year, so the quickness of this has thrown me for a loop which I am now ok with. Having a baby during the first year of marriage can put a lot of stress on a couple – we are still newly weds. Also, I have those can I hand this thoughts – an infant and a pre-teen all at once in this economy.

I am happy to report that I gave all my anxiety to God – I said This is in Your Hands Big Man. He knows my beginning and my end and if you didn’t know…there is really nothing you can do about this plan – what is is what will be – does that make sense?

Since then I have had a strong feeling that I am prepared for multiples – not twins – meaning another one, two or three after this one. I remember around this time last year writing this blog – here. Remember? It was when I was spending way too much time looking at these pictures:

Multiples…having a big family. I always prayed for more siblings when I was young – not younger then me – since I was the baby, but an older sibling or two that would just show up – maybe someone to pick on my sister the way she did on me. I wanted a big family and I still do. I am young, right? I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I am ready to have this one and get to work on another – my mother is let out a big sigh – she keeps telling me to get through this one first before I make plans for more.

I want a family who can’t afford Disney World, so we make our own in our backyard or during a camping trip – yeap I said camping…the hormones have altered my mind.

And one more confession…I really wish after two kids that I could achieve Kelle Hampton’s body, but now I am just dreaming! Oh I searching for a pic, but maybe it’s best for you to go visit her blog and see for yourself.

Knowing What I was Missing Before

I was planning an writing on this topic anyway today, but then I read- as I do each morning – NieNie. I am telling you now that if you are not reading her you need to – really…remember this post I did about her here?

Each Monday Stephanie does a NieNie asks segment on blogher and today she asked “What Make You Lucky?” Oh it was perfect!!!!

What makes me Lucky is knowing what I was missing before…

Before I was blessed with a beautiful daughter.

Before I met JAG.

Before I experience what a true, loving, healthy and respectful relationship feels like.

Before I put God before anything else in my life.

Before I was able to take pictures like this…

I keep no secrets about how lucky I feel to be where I am today. I just want to tell that one reader who I am not sure if I know in person or not that he will come. I still think back to that Valentine’s weekend where I sat alone in my house. No Shelby, no big Valentines date – just me, some wine and some chick flicks. During that weekend I made things right in myself. I looked around and said “I am fine right here. If God chooses to not bring anyone to continue my life with I will be perfectly fine right here”. Then of course I said “Please please God. Ok ok…it is in your hands”. I was done with dating. I was content being single – it was a hell of a lot easier then dealing with the loser market of men that came my way. Most of you know how the story goes – a chance email check which lead to a website which lead to a picture of a man which lead me to read his story. Which in that exact moment I knew, cheesy as it may sound, that the big man upstairs said, “you needed to go through what you did, so that you would be ready. You are ready, so here he is.” Well, probably not in those exact words.

I am lucky in that respect. I used to pull my hair out when people would say, “maybe if you take a break from looking he will come to you”. My statement was always, “the next one will be the one…I know it”. That never happened.  I know all of my single readers will cringe when I say find peace within you. Love you and where you are on this exact minute. I am not Dr. Ruth – is she a love doctor or a sex doctor – anyway I am neither, but I do know that I would not have been able to even if I had met JAG before to be where I am if I did not find comfort in being single, step back, and put it in God’s hands. Also enjoy your time. The quiet time to read a book or watch whatever you want to watch on TV or to dance in the kitchen to anything you want. To do those things that us girls do when no one is at home – like spend an hour in front of the mirror removing blackheads – oh wait that might just be me. I also talk to myself… a lot – is that being alone or crazy? Anyway, take the time to enjoy your space before you do this with your life.

My stuff stacked in JAG’s garage.

Don’t get me wrong – I am ecstatic about my move and my starting of a new life and family. I wish I could hug every one of my single readers and friends. I understand what it was like, I was there. My hope is that you will feel what I am feeling now – because I appreciate it so much more then I would have a year ago – for that I am lucky.

 For my lovely reader who asked here is the start of my cross wall. Gweedo, the first husband, would never let me have one – I won’t go into why, but I didn’t even have to ask JAG.

He (JAG) did correct the order of my Faith Hope Love crosses though – what would I do without him – my crosses would be all wrong.

No go visit Stephanie’s blog the Nienie dialogues and check her link to blogher to read what makes others Lucky!

Failure

I refuse to get all dramatic and say “I am failing life,” but let’s say I feel like it. At least I feel like I am failing parts of life therefore it is time to re-evaluate. Ok…everyone…breath; the only relationship I am changing is my relationship with higher education.

School has recently become so frustrating to me. I unfortunately, put myself into a career path that does not fall into the “Cs get degrees” category. Also, the lovely financial aid bored that is helping me with this endeavor doesn’t agree with that statement either.

I feel like I screwed myself by trying to take summer courses and maintain my GPA to the level they require. You see when I was young (and oh so stupid) I let four classes F instead of dropping them. URGH…pissed at myself and this is the primary reason why my GPA is low enough to be on academic probation.

Now, I can’t seem to pass anything! Or at least get a B which is what will get me into the nursing program I wish to go into (an A would be much better, but come on please just one B).

So this evening when I pull up my grades and see I flunked another test I sit discouraged. I wonder if nursing is where I need to be. If I don’t going into nursing then what will I do for a career? Do I need a quote un-quote career?

Tonight I sit and ponder. I think about the level in which I am currently running my life. I do not see a single aspect of it where I am actually giving my 100% because I feel like I have no mental ability left to do that. This past week, I studied 6 out of 7 evening, 3 to 4 hours a day. I thought for sure I would at least pass. While taking the exam I thought my knowledge of the subject was much stronger then when I took the last test. I guess I was wrong. Maybe it is distance learning. Maybe my brain has too much information in it and I can’t take anymore.

Bottom line…right now, in my life I want to be a good mother. After October 30^th, I want to be a good wife and a good mother. I am not sure if I can pull that off while attending school 2 nights a week (from 6 to 9 pm), being a girl scout troop leader and making sure Shelby gets to cheer practice 4 nights a week (from 6 to 8 some nights). Along, with helping her get through the four grade successfully (if it’s anything like 3^rd we will have issues).

So as I get ready for bed this evening…my question to pray on is “Do I continue with school in the Fall or take the time to adjust to my new marriage and determine what I want to be when I grow up?”  I told JAG I just want to be a mother and a wife. He said “that is ok by me.” Why do I feel like I should be something more than that? Maybe that is the question I need to answer. 

I Command You, Again!

Yeap…Again!

Go hug your children…now! Then if you have healthy children send God a BIG HUGE thank you!

Now go read through this blog.  Reagan’s blog.

Between this blog and my Life Span Psychology course I have had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to God (even more then normal) that my Shelby Elizabeth is healthy. I pray that she will remain that way forever.

One of my favorite pics of Shelby…age 5

Thank you for following my commands…I only do it when I feel you need to read it too!

A New Friend...

So I have a new friend in my life. He has been with me for about two months and the longer he stays the more annoying he gets. I know that my friend isn’t healthy and that people are not supposed to have this friend.

My friend is Anxiety and I just can’t seem to shake him.

Lately I feel anxious over everything when I know I shouldn’t. Right now as I type this I am worried about:

• Not being able to afford my house.
• Getting everything done before my Brownie Meeting tonight.
• Getting my grant money before May 1^st so the school doesn’t drop me.
• The fact that I killed two ants on my kitchen counter this morning and I have fear they are in there right now eating the little food I have.
• Getting Shelby through 3^rd grade.
• My dad’s chemo this week.
• My relationship with JAG. (it’s perfect…hence my anxiety)
• Hoping I don’t kill the minivan since I still haven’t changed the oil.
• Preparing for the Southern Living Party I have to do this weekend.

I know there are larger things in life to be worried about, but sometimes I sit and look at my calendar and get overwhelmed. I hear my mother say “Don’t bite off more then you can chew.” How can I not? There are things I HAVE TO DO and some things I HAVE TO FACE.

Yes, I have prayed, but still I am not sure what is wrong with me.

On Sunday we were at church and JAG gave me a look that I thought was disappointment in something I didn’t do. I sat there the rest of the service biting the inside of my mouth trying not the cry. I held it in until we got to the car and then asked him. Then without out bat of my eyes I was in full on tears. Come to find out he didn’t make that look at me. He made that look because his stomach growled and he realized he hadn’t eaten breakfast. There I was bawling and laughing at the same time.

It is moments like that where I ask “What in the hell is wrong with me these days?” “Am I completely losing it?”

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." ~Romans 12:12

Pray and Purpose

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. 

 He's going to be up all night anyway. 

~Mary C. Crowley

Do you pray?

I wouldn’t say that prayer has always been a focus in my life. I have lived by the “Dana knows best” way of thinking. I would say I normally have an on again off again prayer routine. Lately, though, I have prayed more for a couple of reasons.

One I am reading this book, A Woman After God’s Own Heart.

I don’t have it with me at this time, but a few days ago I read when you pray about something or someone it puts them in your heart more. If I pray for Shelby then I spend more time (if that is possible) thinking about her.

Let me back up…I think I have always said little prayers, but lately it seems like I pray for a purpose. I have a time and a pattern that I use to pray. I was told many years ago that I needed to pray out loud. A friend of mine had told me that the devil can’t hear your thoughts, so when you are praying out loud it lets the devil know that you are speaking to God. I am not sure about that, but there are times where I get more out of praying aloud.

I was taught the P.R.A.Y approach to prayer a long time ago and still use it. I know it is normally for people who are learning to pray, but it is helpful to me.

Praise: Simply sit quietly and thank God for who He is and what He has done.

Repent: Confess all known sin and commit to turn from it.

Access: Tell Him about the needs and frustrations that tangle your life and the lives of those you care about. I also call this “Ask” because this is where I ask for help.

Yield: (I had to look this one up, guess I miss this step) Once you spread your prayer list on the floor in front of God’s throne, don’t retrieve them. Yielding means you leave your requests there. You have permission to bring them again and again. But the fact that you have brought them before God indicates that you trust that He will, in His time and in His way, take care of them.

Now that I look at it and think about it I may also use the A.C.T.S Approach to pray. They are both great, here is A.C.T.S

Adoration: Tell Him that you love Him. Reflect on His greatness, His power, His majesty.

Confession: Well…you confess…

Thanksgiving: Think of several specific things to thank him for…I always say my family and my friends, but I also include things like tapping me on the shoulder when I am getting off track.

Supplication: (ok you know I looked this up) Simply this is where you pray…you pray for other before yourself.

Both are very useful and I probably mix them up and do them out of order, but hey I am still praying. As my friend Stefanie has drilled into my head, “Worry about nothing, Pray about everything.” I am working on it…

Besides the book I am reading, I have been praying more due to the overwhelming anxious feelings I have been having. They will vary from day to day. Yesterday it was the fear of losing Shelby since I had been reading about a young girl’s tragic death during Spring Break. The night before it was the fear of someone entering our house while I was slept….I know silly, but I worry sometimes about those things which leads me to prayer.

Now Purpose…when I thought of this title I didn’t not mean for purpose to have anything to do with Prayer. In the past few days it has become more of a realization to me that my purpose in life is to be this girl’s mother. Pretty cheesy, huh?

I am not sure what it is that has made that hit home so much lately. It’s just the overwhelming feeling lately that she my responsibility. It is my responsibility to make sure she learns what she needs to learn before she becomes an adult…and I am not talking about knowing the difference between a cube and a rectangular prism. I mean the stuff that matters…the stuff that will determine what kind of adult she will be. I used to not think I could handle such a large task, but lately I am ready to face it head on. I love this child will all that I have and I will do everything possible to help her have a successful life.

Which leads me back to something that I stated earlier…this week I need to focus on Yielding. In His way, in His time, things will be taken care of.