Seven Years: The World Carries On, but Nothing Remains the Same

This morning I was blindsided by the “on this day” section of Facebook. I am telling you all this TimeHop, looking back at the years of your life isn’t the greatest thing in the world. I guess I lost track of the days again, because I gasped when I realized it was February 26th, again. 

Again.

That word makes you realize you’ve faced this morning seven times. That it has been seven years since you’ve heard his laugh or seen his name come across your phone. Seven years since the late night conversations stretched miles apart - the time zone difference that made conversations even more hilarious. Seven years since his amazing smile and light up the room personality left us. 

This morning all the feelings that I had seven years ago rush back, fill my chest and come pouring out in tears. Hopeless, saddened to the core of my being, left just hollow, fortunately only for a few moments. Each year I say, “I am not going to turn to a hot mess of tears and snot this year”, but the tears they don’t really care about my plans for today they need to flow. 

I’ve cried more often this past year over the passing of James because as I have work through my crap, I’ve realized that he was always - when we were younger and as adults - the one relationship with a guy that had an opportunity to, but never lead to more than just really good friendship. There was a connection there from the start, but never more than a strong bond, a great fellowship. It was safe for me, in a way it was probably safe for him. 

I remember earlier this year, sitting with my lunch watching James’ nephew on Pacific Warriors and being completely shocked at the grief I still had. His nephew always brings back so many James memories, their appearance is similar and they have this “no fear, take life by the horns” mentality. I knew that seeing Jason would bring back memories of James, but I was caught completely off guard when James’ face appeared on the screen. I was shocked at that moment by how much grief I still carried. 

As, I flip back through my journal to that day in October and then to what I wrote this day last year the same theme runs through my writing:

I mourn what could have been for his life - for all the things he had left to do here. 

Last year I wrote, “I am not meant to know all the answers, but I am meant to have faith, that God knew the plan he had for James’ life. While I sit everything year in tears of mourning going through the could-have-been’s of his life I feel God’s nudge this year to remember the things he did achieve and the lives he did touch in his 30 years because, trust me he did leave a mark on so many. “ 

I don’t think there is anyway around the pure suckiness (like that adjective) of today - it just sucks, but that seems to be life - sometimes it just sucks. As we sit on this side of heaven we will always face days like today. Days that didn’t need to happen (at least in our earthly opinion), days where senseless acts and tragic mistakes changed our lives. I wish I had encouragement, that I could give you a list of the 10 things you do on the anniversary of your best friend’s death, but I don’t  - I can’t. Today we cry, we hold onto our faith as we wish that we had just one more day, one more phone call, one more hug. Today, we let ourselves be a hot mess and tomorrow we continue to live forever changed by who he was. 

The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same
I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days

Leaning on the Lord

 Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

This Amplified Bible version on my favorite, most needed, bible verse came through my “on this day” section of Facebook this morning and I have to think in someway it is a sign.

Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord…do not rely on your own insight or understanding…

I went to bed last night asking “why?” 

And I woke up this morning with an overwhelming feeling that I will never know, that I am just to trust that the Lord has a plan for our pain. 

My mind went to something I wrote last February on the anniversary of James’ death: 

I’m not meant to know all the answers, but I am meant to have faith that He knew the plan for James’ life. 

That same feeling rushed over me as I processed the news of the passing of Samantha’s only child, Briauna. 

You can read about Samantha and also James in this post I wrote about Tragic Mistakes. 

http://www.danaraeblog.com/2009/03/tragic-mistakes.html

Matt and I have a difference of opinion when it comes to heaven. I am not sure why I take peace in the thought that my loved ones are up there looking down on me, praying for me, cheering for me, but Matt feels that Heaven is so amazing that our loved ones are so involved in the glories that thoughts us do not pass their minds. 

I have to just think that Samantha was saddened to receive news that her sweet daughter was joining her at just fourteen. I know that Samantha wished for Briauna to have a long, full life.  Fourteen, that also leads me to question, why do some get such a short life? 

Gracious Lord, 

Thank you for your continuous grace even when we sit in question of your plans. Lord, please help me to process this sadness. Please, Lord, help me to find pieces of you in this pain. Please heal the hearts of Briauna and Samantha’s family today. Please bring peace to Samantha’s mother, Kathy, as she faces burying another one of her sweet girls today. I just ask that you be with them, they may question your plans as well, but work in their hearts, Lord and help them to not stray from you at this time. 

In Jesus Name, Amen

After writing this I searched and search for a picture I have a Samantha and Briauna from Shelby’s 3rd birthday. Of course I found things I had been missing for months, but cannot find the picture - it’s that always the way it is? 

My Help Comes from the Lord

I don’t watch the news. I think I stopped almost 10 years ago, maybe. The news is what you watch when you really want a sobering look at the world we live in. There are murders, child abusers and sickness that kills you not to mention that political spew that doesn’t mean a hills of beans when people are dying. It’s enough to cause me to never leave the house again. 

Lately, I don’t have to watch the news to know how scary the world is at this moment in time. Or may not “scary”, but sad. Just plain heart breaking how some days can be this year. This morning I sat in prayer for a friend of an Instagram friend (oh the joys of the internet) who lost her 6 year old son suddenly. He developed a cough and lost consciousness on the way to the hospital. By the time they got him intubated he had been without oxygen for awhile and tests showed that he had no brain activity. Can you imagine? As a mother I could just sit and cry all day thinking about this family and others who have lost their babies. 

Man, life just stinks sometimes. 

So what do we do? 

How do we deal with when it seams like the world is spinning out of control and we are just hanging on with all we have? How do with live normally and not just hug our babies every second of the day in fear that they will be taken from us? I ask in tears as I type this - how? 

About a year ago I was visited by two older women (late 60s I believe) who knocked on my door and asked what I thought about the shape our world is in and all the sin of the world. I told them that “this is not my home.” I mean it was my home that I was standing in, my husband owned it and it was where I lived. I meant this earth, here, anywhere besides Heaven in not my home. And I believe that it won’t get better until Jesus returns and takes us all to our true home. We will continue to face the trials, the heartaches and the fears while we are here. 

Can you believe that one of the women wouldn’t take it. She had the nerve to tell me that Jesus isn’t enough. Now, I am not going to go into a religious debate right here and I didn’t with her. I politely said that is what we believe in our home and you may want to mosey on to the next house, but we aren’t interested in anything that tells me other than Jesus is my savior. Thank you. 

Let me come back around to my point and I hope I haven’t lost too many people. Oh man, I know it’s hard to hear that God never leaves us during the hard times and he has plan for our growth from all the crud that we live through. Trust me when I say I know. I have lost people who meant the world to me, I’ve gotten down on my knees and begged the Lord to please make it all be a terrible dream. I’ve also come out of the other side of grief when I never thought it would happen. I wish I could tell you exactly how I lived through the pain of losing one of my best friends. It’s not easy I still ache for him today, but it’s different. 

Urgh, that is not where I wanted to go with this. You can read all about James here: click here. 

Let’s go back to trials because we all seem to be in one, some are shaped differently than others. I’m actually reading through my bible as a type trying to find morsels of things to keep us (you and me) going. 

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, (oh yes I know that is a tough pill to swallow during the first stages of grief)

because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance, character; and character, hope.  

So, Suffering (the bad stuff) produces Perseverance (steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success - we continue to get up, to live, to push forward in life with a broken heart). 

Then this Perseverance builds -or creates- Character (oh, is that where I get it? Seriously, though, Matt lost his first wife to cancer and he is an amazing man today because of that loss and because of the mark his life (yet short) with his first wife made on him).

Character then brings Hope. That hope is what I tried to share with the women graced my doorway. 

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

So, I’m telling you (and myself) to not lose Hope in the world in which we live. Though, this is not our home, and things will not be peaceful until He returns, know with all your heart and soul and mind that He has this. He’s got it - He knows the beginning and the end to each of our stories. 

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills-

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth. 

He will not let your foot slip-

he who watches you will not slumber; 

indeed, he who watches over Israel will not slumber nor sleep. 

The Lord watches over you-

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm-

he will watch over your life; 

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forever more

Take 3 minutes (and 32 seconds) and let this speak to your heart, please. 

Let me end with a request: Pray for me. Pray for Michelle Smith who I mentioned above. Pray for the Smith family as they process and handle the passing of young Luke. Pray for the sick, the lost and man just pray for everything on the news. And let me know how I can pray for you. 

Today

Today I just want to share this verse with you. 

Jeremiah 29:11-14

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.¹³ You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, ¹⁴ I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile. (ESV)

Some will understand and connect this verse to today. Some will think "ahh that's lovely." Then there will be some who read and move on. For me I don't really care which you are. This post is for me and my family today. 

Urgh...I'm too hormonaly emotional for my own good today.

Saying Good Bye

Today has been a sad day for my family.

Aunt Barbara lost her battle with cancer last night.

I am not sure I have words to describe the sadness that is felt at this time by JAG, Shelby and I.

Today I have cried many tears.

I keep coming back to the word blessed.

I am blessed to have known Barbara.

I am blessed to have spent quality time with her this past summer.

I am blessed to have my butt kicked on a regular basis when attempting to challenge her in a round of words with friends – she was a pro.

I am blessed to still have a voicemail with Barbara’s lovely voice singing Happy Birthday to me a month ago.

I have been blessed by Barbara – we are all so lucky to have had her in our lives.

Please keep her daughters, Emily & Riley, in your prayers along with Grandma B (her mother), JAGdad (her brother), JAG & all of JAG’s family.

I love you Aunt Barbara…you will be missed so much!

Two Years Later – Still Healing

I think that pretty much sums it up. I have spent less time in mourning during the past year, but this date still hits like a ton of bricks.

Even though I have cried less tears doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him just as much as I did that first week after he left us.

In my pregnancy hormonal state I don’t think I can recall for you all the feelings his death has stirred in me. It would be best to read last year’s entry here: http://danaraeb.blogspot.com/2010/02/year-later.html

You’ve heard me say it before, please tell the people you love that you love them every chance you get because that quick “talk to you later” could be the last time you hear their voice. Life is so fragile and so short. I am blessed and will remain forever blessed because of James.

I Cry – I Don’t Think There is a Normal.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. I am sorry to say that I do not know all the details of this day and the meaning in the Lutheran Church, but I am learning. I didn’t even know it was a day/service until JAG quickly told me as we walked into church. He had forgotten that the pastor made sure to tell him – you will see why. All I have to say is Pastor if you are reading this we really need to get boxes of Kleenexes in the sanctuary next year. Especially in the back left (my left, your right) you know where I am every Sunday.

When JAG pulled me aside and told me I didn’t think too much of it – I was sure I could handle it – it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Let me stop because I know there are a few of you that are just completely lost right now. Since I introduced you to JAG I have kept a story to myself mainly because it was not my story to tell, but the realization is that it is has now become a part of my story. I am just going to type and see what the Lord gives me to share with you today.

I am JAG’s second wife. I have dealt with dating (and even marrying) a divorced man. In many ways divorce is so much easier then what JAG had for me. His first wife, his first love, the one he would have never divorced passed away from cancer.

I think I knew more about her then I did him when I decide to meet JAG in person (we met online incase you hadn’t heard).  I swear I have typed and deleted about a dozen sentences so far in the paragraph. Lets just say I was a very cautious girl and did my homework which lead me to meet JAG’s first wife via obituaries and blog posts by JAGdad before I met JAG. This helped me, it helped me to have a face. Looking back, I think it help me with the bond I feel to her.

Even though looking back on our time together so far things have never gotten bad enough for me to run, it hasn’t always been easy. Since the beginning I believed we were put together at this exact time for a reason. When we met my father was just diagnosed with cancer and I was about to face the 1 year anniversary of James’ death. We understood each other. We both faced cancer with a loved one and we both lost someone who was close to us too soon.

To be honest with you – it has been hard. Harder then I could ever imagine, but at the same thing I would not change a thing. I struggle with loving someone so much who was in love me, but still so in love with her. That is understandable – I read articles on it in the beginning. I was very careful not to rush him I just sat back and let him lead. Her death was not sudden and if there is one thing that she did well was prepare. She prepared ever detail – she knew who would get what piece of jewelry, she knew the scriptures she wanted during her memorial service – she made lists galore. She also had a long talk with her husband – wait that is their story. I want to be very careful when giving this to you that I do not try to tell a story that does not belong to me.

Besides knowing that he loved someone still so much my other struggle is the knowing that all this awesomeness I am in now would not be if is wasn’t for her death. I think that gets me more than anything. It’s not guilt, it’s sadness. You know how I feel about grief. I am also a healer so if it were up to me she would be here right now and there would be no pain in her family or in his. Again, I have to think – things happen for a reason. Urgh…I am rambling aren’t I?

Let’s just say there are books about there, but they do not do any good because I don’t believe there is a right way – or a wrong way – to date, fall in love and marry a widower. I am kind of making it up as I go.

With that said I didn’t think that All Saints Sunday would affect me, but man I was so wrong! I opened up that bulletin and saw her name. I realized then that this would not be just a brief mention – I started bighting the inside of my mouth trying to fight back the tears, but it didn’t help. I felt it in my throat – the starting of my balling – full out balling. New purse equals no Klennexs. I looked around the pew – nothing. I jumped up and walked as fast as I could to the nearest bathroom. I pulled at least half of the box out – sorry I will bring a new box on Sunday – and proceeded to have a little out loud sobbing before going back in. My hope was it would be over by the time I got back. Of course that didn’t happen – someone upstairs thought I needed to face this. I am sure all you could hear during the moment of silence was my crying and Shelby asking “why is she crying?” over and over again. I regained composer after a few minutes, then turned to JAG and said “I am glad it is get a shot of wine Sunday. I so need it.” – I hope that doesn’t offend anything we really needed some comic relief at that moment. I think I cried enough for the both of us because JAG sat there as manly as ever – you could tell he cried on the inside, but you never saw a tear.

After service a younger woman that have I started to get to know came over. She had good intentions, but her statements are what led me to type this blog. She asked why I was crying and if I lost someone recently. I just looked at JAG because this was JAG’s church since he was a child – you have to have been sleeping through every service if you didn’t know the loss that JAG went through. She knew, but she just couldn’t grasp how it would affect me. She reassured me again and again how I was part of the church family now. Urgh how to do I say this with out sounding tacky – she had the best of intentions and I feel blessed that someone was concerned for my crying, but I think most people around me knew why I was crying. This is where I make it up as I go – I am not sure if it normal or not, but I cry about JAG’s first wife. I mourn for her. I feel like I have grown so close to her as well so when Pastor said her name it didn’t feel like he was saying my now husband’s first wife’s name, but that he was saying the name of one of my dearest friends. Many pictures of her still sit through out our home and she will remain there. If God gives us children, then they will know. Those are JAG’s memories and I will preserve them as long as he wants me to.

Again, it hasn’t been easy, I wish things were different, but I am so blessed to be the one going through this with him.

Sorry that I did not include a name. I mean you don’t even get JAG’s name, so I definitely wasn’t going to include her name. She is in this blog – there is a blog with a picture of her – I snuck it in.

I want to leave you with something pretty. While typing this I listened to Mindy Gledhill. This is one of my favorites for you.

Flashback Friday: 18 Years Ago

Happy Friday! I thought I would go way back – well almost 18 years ago. It is Homecoming Season, so I thought this would be fitting.

Yeap – that oh so young girl was me at the age of 15. JAG is looking at this cannot not focus on anything else, but that HUGE mum. As I have told him before football in Texas high schools is huge and it was even bigger in South Texas. Now I do agree the mum was overkill. I was HUGE, HEAVY and it was REAL! It was so beautiful and I thought I was the bee’s knee’s.

The guy three years older then I was the love of my life at the time. He was so dreamy (then). He was my first mistake in relationships – and continued making that mistake for almost three years until it all ended in – ummm yeah I don’t really think it is appropriate to get into the details. I believe he is living in another state with a career from what I seen on Facebook – we stopped speaking even by an every once in awhile email about 12 years ago.

I do have to say though – that girl was nothing like I am today. That guy, that relationship is what truly began the change into the person I am today. Again I say, “Oh if I could go back.” I would tell that girl to take of the over sized obnoxious mum and RUN! Run as fast as you can away from him. I am sure he has grown and is just as different as I am today – saying this incase anyone else would like to date him.  

Oh, I am giving you way too much for a simple flash back – sorry. Want to see more flashback with hopefully less baggage then mine? Go visit Christopher and Tia.

After Post Edit: Well not really edit, but I have more I want to share with you today. I debated on putting it into another post or just forgetting about it, but I feel I need to write to get it out. I really makes the post above seem like nothingness.

My eyes are puffy this morning. They show signs of the morning I have had already. If there is one thing in this world that I just can’t seem to stomach it is grief. As I have said before grief is the worst emotion of all – I think everyone would agree. I am still shocked that I can still find myself sobbing in the shower over a year and a half later. Because it really has been that long since I have spoken to James, but sometimes a dream or a simple thought can pull me back into the pain all over again.

This time I think it was brought on by the combination of James’ sister Susan posting this beautiful picture on the memorial site I created for him in Facebook.

Then finding where she wrote about him there too – Facebook does not update me when things are done even though I created the group, so I stumble upon them. Then last night I had a dream that he was back, but just for a short time and I knew in my dream he would be gone again – sorry got teary for a second. URGH! I don’t understand why I still have these surges of emotions – well I know why, but I wish it would stop – really I don’t because that would mean I would have forgotten about him and what he means to me.

Anyway – I needed to share that. Will it get better? I was hoping I would be better then this by now. If you are new to my blog please got here and here to learn who James is (I prefer not to say was) and what he means to me.

Tell Them They Are Awesome!

If there is one thing I learned on February 26, 2009 it is that you need to tell people you love them as many times as possible before your chance is gone.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay awhile, make footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same. ~Anonymous

James knew what he meant to me. He was one of my closest friends even though he was many many hours away. I am not going to sit and reminisce in this blog because it still brings me to tears. If you haven’t heard of my beautiful friends please read this blog, here.

Why am I bringing this up? I want to make sure each one of you know that the only thing we are promised in life is death. I am not trying to get morbid on you, but you don’t know when your time will be. You may live like my Granny to see your late nineties or you could be like so many of my beloved friends and not make it your thirties. Either way we need to use the life that God gave us in a positive way why we are here.

I have many many ideas of my positive way. When I was little I wanted to be somebody. I want to be known, be on the cover of Tiger Beat…I will give you a second to stop laughing.

Are you good? Good. Today I want to leave this earth knowing that the people I love and cherish know exactly how much they mean to me. I still want to make an impact, but not as large as before. 

So, if you get a cheesy email or facebook post from me telling you that you are awesome know that I working on my life’s mission. I sent one to Courtney (Cjane) yesterday – Yeap…even people I don’t know in person still get an Awesome message.

And yes, I know, I was supposed to break myself from using the word Awesome, but I can’t stop. It a lot better then saying Whatever (which was my word 10 years ago).

If I don’t know how to contact you each personally, please know I think all of you are AWESOME and when I look at my map of readers each one of those dots mean so much to me!

You May Be One Person To The World But You May Be The World To One Person. ~Anonymous

I Demand You Read This!

I am standing here arms crossed with a mean look on my face, do you see it?

Very seldomly do I feel so passionate to send you from my blog to another blog, so please do as I say.

I was reading one of my normal daily blogs by CJane and found out about this family.

Read here. This is the post I want you to read first.

Oh this post had me in tears mostly because it reminded me of someone very very close to me, JAG. Also I heard Sailing Home to You by Mercy River playing on Pandora.

I hope that his post teaches you as it did me.

Beau 2002-2010

Over the past year I have learned that grief is the absolute worst emotional to deal with. I had felt grief of losing a relationship before and even grief of losing a grandparent or a childhood friend, but it seems like the grief I have been through in the past year and a half has been worse. It might be that it is current and fresh or it might be that what I have lost has been so much closer to me.

Sunday afternoon I was laying down for a nap. We had just gotten back into town from an awesome weekend getaway. I was trying to get some rest before Shelby got home and I thought I was entitled a nap since it was Mother’s Day.

As I laid down I heard JAG’s phone ring in the other room. I don’t remember paying attention to what he was saying I just remember closing my eyes then him waking me up asking me if I knew what bloat was in dogs. I had no clue. He handed me a number and said I needed to call the emergency clinic. They had Beau and need to talk to me.

We had left Beau and JAG’s dogs at the Petsmart Hotel for the weekend. We were going to wait until we got settled before we picked them up. If you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Beau he is my six year old black lab/basset hound mix. He has been a dream! The best dog ever! I was planning on blogging about him and how simply adorable he is and I guess I am getting to do that now.

I called the emergency clinic and spoke to Dr. Smith (that’s her real name). She described to me how Beau’s intestines had flipped and twisted and how this was a big deal. I already knew…seen one too many pet ER shows. I quickly got dressed and JAG drove me to the clinic. I remember walking through the door and see the PetsMart employees. I remember trying not to go crazy mother on them. I repeated to myself over and over…this is not their fault. In that moment I really became this dog’s mother. It hit me that I had not spent the last six years as a dog owner; I spent the last six years mothering this animal that I love so dearly.

They took me back quickly to see him. He has been sedated since he started to have seizures while I was on the phone with the doctor. I remember he looked so small, smaller then I remember him being lying on the table with oxygen and tubes running out of him. The first thing I did was rub is velvet black ears as I gave him a kiss.

I was told the cost for him to go into surgery before I got to the hospital. It could be up to $10,000 before the night was over and there was no chance he would make it through the night. There is also a very high chance that would happen again. This was the mother of all dog surgeries and one that this single mother could never afford. After a small plea to my parents I made the decision that the right thing to do would be to relieve him from this pain and any future pain. I put on a brave face through my tears and said “can I sign the paperwork now?”

I stood beside the table and petted Beau and they removed the ventilator. I kissed him over and over has they administered the drug to stop his heart. I watched him stop breathing and then I lost it. Who wouldn’t?

JAG says I am handling this better then he would, but I feel crazy for being so emotional over a dog. I seriously feel like I have lost a child. It feels horrible to be at home without him here. To not hear his nails tap on the hard wood floors. To not see his head poke out of the vertical blinds when you drive up.

I took today off from work so I could vacuum up pet hair and throw things out, but I can’t. I can’t do it. Not today. I don’t want to because then it will never be there again. There is a bowl full of food in my kitchen by his water bowl and I can’t throw it away. It’s been almost 24 hours and the only time I haven’t been in tears was when I was asleep (which was induced by Nyquil).

I hate it! I hate grief more then anything! It’s crazy because I am having the some emotions I had when I lost James.

It’s not going to be ok because it’s not ok. It’s not ok to have to deal with this.

I get selfish because I don’t want him in a better place…I want him here with us.

These are the same things I said a little over a year when I lost James. I know it will get better, I know that we will get through it and we will move one. It’s just so hard right now.