Facing 40

I am going to 40 on Monday. 

Leading up to this birthday I feel like I have repeated, “Do not lose your mind this time” more than I have needed. I strived to walk into my forties mentally and physically healthy - um yeah, strived is a much stronger word than what I have actually felt or done. 

This year, my birthday will mark an anniversary of sorts.  You see ten years ago the facade of my marriage began to chip away.  Ten years ago I stood at the edge of what an outsider would see as a pure nervous breakdown.  How could I be so insane to walk away from my life, to leave my husband, to allow all my friendships to crumble around me?  How could I break apart my daughter’s stable life? 

Ten years ago I would say I was breaking free - breaking out of the hell that was my daily life. My cries for help fell on deaf ears. I was surrounded by people who were blinded by the storybook perfectness of my life. There was no reason besides, “She’s lost her ever-loving mind” to describe why I would leave my little red brick corner house. Ten years ago I masked my pain with perfection.  Not the perfection I struggle with today, but the perfection that said, “You need to just wipe out every moment of your life before this marriage be accepted today.” 

I hear Dr. Phil ask, “Well, how did that work for you?”

It led me to weekly visits with a gastroenterologist. It also led to medical intervention for my depression. It wasn’t all my ex-husband, ten years ago I slowly started to lose Meme, my strong faith guider, my safe place to Alzheimer's.  We had moved her from her apartment to a nursing home.  I had sat with her multiple times during the previous year as she recovered from accidental overdoses.  My parents were selling they home close to me and moving back to South Texas.  I was dealing with a pretty heavy load of things that could make someone a bit blue. 

And at the same time, I was attempting to erase 17 years of hurt and shame with a trip to the gym, with a perfectly made bed, with a kitchen floor you could eat off of and with an envy-worthy family picture on my yearly Christmas card. 

I cannot describe the fall season prior to my divorce in early 2008 as “the beginning of the end”. No, looking back it was the band closest to the eye of the storm. It was volatile, it was harsh, there was damage taking place, but you stood at the shoreline thinking, “This is not going to end, this storm is about to get so much worse.” 

I am thankful that I chose to journal - though very sporadic - ten years ago. 

November 5, 2007

It is the eve of my 30th birthday. The BIG 30. Tonight in bible study we discussed disappointment. You can be disappointed in God, in others and in yourself. I feel like I have spent the last 29 years disappointing others. I have disappointed my family, my friends, but mostly myself. I struggle with internal battles the most. I struggle with self-destruction by doing things that I know I shouldn’t be doing but doing them out of rebellion. I am at an end.  Lord, I hate myself. How have I gotten to this point where I don’t know myself at all?  

I need help. 

That is shame speaking, that is shame screaming. 

From that point I started to grasp at pieces of myself I could still recognize one being creating, sewing, which led me into a community of other creative people. Their world was so colorful compared to vanilla of the safeness I had put my life into. Their ability to be comfortable in their own skin, in their talents was so attractive - so what I wanted - such an escape.  And when I saw that uniqueness was a threat to my husband it became the perfect tool to fight back against the control I was feeling from him. 

This past year as we went through pictures for Shelby’s birthday party, this one popped up. I said, “that’s the last family picture.” She stopped and examined it closely. Luckily, she does not remember that Christmas.  She doesn’t remember the words that were exchanged. Two weeks later I was moving her out of her home and into an apartment. 

To have what I feel is a successful marriage you have to deal with your “stuff”. You cannot shove the suitcase of hurt and shame into a closet under the stairs. Well, you can, but it won’t stay there forever. All that closed up shame will manifest itself into other things and wind up exploding. 

I did not know the truth of grace ten years ago. I did not know how to receive the love given to me through Jesus. I appeared so together but was so lost. Lost in the perfection I created for the world to see. 

Lord, help me to walk into my forties fully embracing the hot mess that I am today, knowing that I am far from perfect, but knowing that in your eyes grace as made me perfect to you. 

I want my 40th not be an anniversary of the actions I took 10 years ago, but a celebration of the last 40 years of my life. 

The 20-year-old me is in complete shock that we have made it this far and thoroughly impressed by the beauty on the other side of the storm. The 40-year-old me is thinking, just wait till you see the 60-year-old me - she is going to knock your socks off. 

I feel, after all of my rambling, that I just want to make one thing perfectly clear 

Hold true to this fact, my friends, Grace Changes Everything. 

On it, my Savior, both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love and God is just

At the cross, You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees

And I am lost for words, so lost in love

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

This year on the eve of my birthday, 10 years after screaming I hate myself, I am will be on the radio share what life is like after healing. 

KKHT 100.7 FM "THE WORD"

NOVEMBER 5, 2017 at 7 pm

 

To stream broadcasts from outside the Houston area

go to KKHT.com and click the "listen live" button. 

Click here for more information

My Story: 15 Years Ago

April 8, 2000

Only a handful of people know about this day 15 years ago. It’s been so long and only lasted a short time, so it really isn’t something that comes up too often in conversation. 

And to be honest saying “I’ve been married three times” is hard! I’ve sat silently through many conversation as people have said, “well she’s (or he’s) been married like three times, so there you go” like that number is an indication of how messed up the person is. I am quite sure that that reference has been made about me before as well.  I get it, I do. I understand the stigma of divorce no matter how many times it has happened, but without defending my actions (too much) let me tell you how I ended up divorced at the age of 22. 

I met my first husband in high school. For the purposes of this blog we will call him Jay. We dated on and off  during my senior year. He took me to prom and even though we were not together at the time we did pose for a really good graduation picture together (I’m sure I have it somewhere). After graduation, we went our separate ways for a bit. A bit meaning a few months (maybe 6) and then we got back together. 

We first got engaged when I was 20. I still remember at that time people questioning our relationship. Unlike, my second marriage (which I will get to eventually) the cracks in our relationship were very visible to people around us. Jay had a serious drinking problem at a young age which was some what hereditary in his case. And to be honest we really were from two different places and did not mesh. (I laugh because Matt and I are from two WAY different places as well, but there is a common core in our relationship)

I am not sure exactly when our first engagement ended, but I do know when our second one started. (that was probably a sign that I ignored) My friend was getting married and I took Jay to the wedding with me. It was the season in my life when just about all my friends were getting married. Looking back now I am not sure why everyone got married so young (like 21 or 22). I know at the time we felt old, but really we were so young…really young. 

Urgh, I fell into the “wedding trap.” I didn’t really want a marriage, I just wanted a wedding. I wanted a big white dress and a party. He was there and I thought he would be a good fit, so Jay and I got engaged again. He should have know (I should have know) when I insisted on a new ring because I needed it to be closer to what my girl friends had and not the small ring I had before. Oh man, I really don’t like typing this - I was not a good person then. 

So, we got engaged, had the portrait made (because you have to announce the engagement in the local paper, right) and started full scale wedding planning. Along with wedding planning I planned out how I would change Jay into the perfect husband. 

I just knew that once we said “I do” something miraculous would happen and he would change him into the “perfect guy” for me. 

We decided to marry in the Presbyterian church downtown and in order to do that I had to be baptized. So, if anything good came out of this, I was baptized on July 4th at the age of 21. Years later my oldest daughter would also be baptized on July 4th. 

We began pre-marriage counseling at the church. Let me tell you at the time my life was not very faith centered, at all. Jay and I were living together and had no plans to change that. We attended the Presbyterian church because that is where we wanted to get married, but really I was so off my walk with God I can’t remember a single Sunday morning sermon. I was just punching my card so I could have the venue I wanted. Again, it’s not easy to type. 

And even though I was off my path this was the first time that I heard the term “equally yoked” or in our case “unequally yoked”. I think even in my early 20s I had the “playing everything off as perfect” (which I will get into more later) down pat. I had people convinced that my faith was stronger than his and I was given all the information about how that would be a struggle in our relationship - this is mind boggling to me as I type this. I was told that, but the entire time I was the one manipulating the entire relationship. 

During pre-martial counseling it came out that Jay’s drinking was a huge strain on our relationship. I have no plans with this blog to run Jay’s name (or fake name) through the gutter, but I want you to know a big sign that God gave me over and over again. I spent countless nights locked in my bathroom. Jay was never physically abusive - at all, but his drinking brought huge emotions. Emotions that I could not handle and the only way to escape them was to lock myself away for the night so he could sleep it off. Wouldn’t that kind of signal “this may not be the best relationship” for you? It did to me too, but I had to have that wedding so I kept pushing on. 

The sad part about this is that Jay’s drinking increased because of the pressure I put on him to be different. He confessed at one point that my friends made him so self conscious that the only thing he could do was drink until he was comfortable. Unfortunately, comfortable was almost a twelve pack - a kid you not. 

One Sunday I attended service alone and when the pastor asked how things were going I became unglued and broke down in tears at the back of the sanctuary. I confessed I was tired, I had sleep on the bath rug again and I just didn’t know what I was going to do. Her (yes a female pastor) solution was - do not get married. My thought then as a 22 year old was “What? How dare you!” My thought now at 37 is she was very wise and that was a good plan, but you can’t go back and change the past. 

Pretty much she refused to marry us, but said we could still get married at the church, so I brought in our family Pastor who married my cousin, was with my grandfather when he passed away and would eventually be with us during my Meme’s funeral. Needless to say, I did not share a single peep about the drinking and our issues with him. To him we were a perfect couple, high school sweethearts in fact. 

This is where I need to mention that my parents were not 100% on board with this marriage either, but I think they had a “keep the peace” mentality and never “forbid” me from getting married. The stressed caused my mother to have Bell’s Palsy (may want to google that) the week of my wedding. Unlike my parents, I kept my Meme completely in the dark - she believed all was perfect and gave her seal of approval. 

So, April 8th rolled around. The white dress had been purchased and everything was perfect, except me. I remember after my attendants left the bridal room, I stood, staring in the mirror hoping someone would stop this. I wanted someone to say “this can’t happen.” I prayed for something to happen to postpone the wedding or that someone would object when that time came. I did not want to do this, but I was committed. And at the time I felt I couldn’t break Jay’s heart. You see, he was madly in love with me while my love was lukewarm. 

Oh man, I should not have walked down that aisle, but I pulled myself up by the boot straps (my mom’s favorite saying), put on a smile and said “I do”. I smiled for the camera and had cake the entire time thinking “I can do this. There is still a chance that he will be different.” 

As I told Shelby this morning the things you don’t like about someone just get magnified with marriage - when you are bound to spend life with someone. You cannot go into something as serious as marriage thinking that you can change someone - that’s kind of a given, but at 22 I still thought it was possible. 

Jay and I were separated four months later with a quick and easy divorce happening the following year. 

I remember expressing my issues to a co-worker before I got married and her asking me “How do you think it will feel to check ‘divorced’ on a form?” I was so blind about what divorce does to you and at this time in my life it still didn’t do much to me, but it did a bunch to Jay. 

Talk about some guilt I’ve carried -  what I did to him was the worst. He didn’t take things well and our splitting up made his condition worse. About six years ago he contacted me while completing his steps (12 steps) and needed to make amends. Sitting at Starbucks as adults we were able to admit that we both did not have the tools to sustain any kind of a successful relationship. We each held no ill will towards each other, but at the same time there was sadness. I am a strong believer that God knows my path and there are times he lets you go places to learn from - this is one of those areas. 

I wish I could say (and I’ve even lied about it) that I haven’t been married three times, but it’s a fact. If you google me it shows up (not really an indicator of fact, but still). As I went through counseling at the end of this relationship I learned the term codependent. 

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

I had been codependent for years and even after this relationship I struggled with codependency. It’s something that first hit me as offensive, but it is a cycle that I am so glad I have broken. 

So, what do I want you to take from this? 

When something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right. 

You can’t change people - that’s God’s job. 

Don’t mess with other people’s emotions to get something you want - it will never end well. 

When everyone is telling you that you shouldn’t do something, then you may want to stop and listen. 

A pastor is a wise counsel. They are almost always are coming from a good place (in line with God’s word), so you may want to take their advice seriously. 

And in the end…be yourself, don’t try to keep up with everyone else. You are absolutely perfect just the way you are, on the path that God has for you. 

And remember when you say, “well she’s been married three times, you know what that mean?” that you now know someone who has - do you think that about me? (Does that statement even make sense?)

One last reminder - please don't get married for a wedding. If you want a party where you are the center of attention then throw one...you can even wear a smashing dress, just don't get married for the dress and cake. 

Parenting Divorced

When I was in the first grade my parents separated for a period of time. I don't remember all of it, but as a seven year old I do remember the fun I had staying at my dad's apartment. We sleep in sleeping bags on the living room floor and spent a lot time at the swimming pool. I remember during that time receiving what were dream toys: cabbage patch kids and a commodore 64. Even though dad's house was fun; mom's house wasn't bad either. I took dance and had lots of fun girl time, but we lived life at mom's house that included school and the daily grind (if a seven year old had a daily grind).

This all came back to me the other day when I found this essay Shelby wrote for school.

She was suppose to answer: Think of a time when another person helped you do something that was important to you. Why did you need help to reach your goal? How did the other person help you?

She started off well, but they went on a bit of a tangent...I'll let you read.

My mom and stepdad help me achieve my goals. They help me reach good grades and encourage me to do my best everyday. I lean on them for help. (see good) My mom is pregnant again (again?) and when she helps me I help her with my little sister while she rests and my stepdad works nights so I do not see him that often. He is the one if I get in trouble is light on me, my mom is light on my too, but she is pregnant. I do not even let them know how much they are there for me but they are there for me a lot, (and here we go) but sometimes I wish I would live with my dad and stepmom. They make me feel like home like my mom and stepdad do but they do not do fun stuff. My step mom does my hair and we celebrate New Years and we do birthday parties but my mom just says we can do fun stuff but when I'm not pregnant like whatever. Well, my parents really help me out with everything I do in school mostly, and outside of school they are there for me and always will be right now and till I die. (I love that end is so dramatic) 

I could sit here and defend myself and to be honest when I first read this I thought, She HATES Me! Really, through I can only sit back and laugh. I get where she is coming from and I love her random off subject rant -  I guess she just needed to get it all off of her chest.

When I was first divorced I would get angry that everything was always rainbows and unicorns at her dad's and she had to deal with real life at home, now I am happy she gets a break from real life for awhile.

The Hardest Part

Last week I wrote a blog about Divorce – you may have read it. I shared with you how hard it is on Shelby sometimes.

To be honestly lately, it had been hard on me. Not being divorced, but shipping my daughter off every other weekend or more. I don’t like it. I want her with me. She is mine mine mine – sorry needed a moment.

I don’t know if it is just the Holidays approaching or the fact that I am again angry about the way my x-husband is in regards to Shelby, but I really have some strong thinking to do.

This relationship with my x-husband is her decision to make. She can say when she is done spending time at his house. Oh…am so bighting my tongue right now – I really try my hardest not to slam this situation every time something goes bad, but that also has gotten so hard.

As a mother I want to protect her mentally and physically. I worry more about her heart then her asthma some days.

I am completely rambling right now. I guess I just wanted to say that it is so hard for this mother to give up her daughter so often to someone who I am not sure understands just how awesome this little girl is.

I have been holding on to this, but I think this is the best place to post it. This was share with our congregation a few weeks ago and since then it on my nightstand and on my desk at work.

Today

I will not worry

I will not be afraid

I will not give way to anger

I will not yield to envy, jealousy, and hatred

I will be kind to every man, woman, child with whom I come in contact

I will be cheerful and hopeful

I will trust in God and bravely face the future.

~George L. Perin

Divorce

Let me pretense the blog by saying a few things. One all things happen for a reason. God knows my beginning and my end and I know that where I am right now is where I was meant to me. I love my JAG with all my heart and we are not divorcing. Also, if I had to go back I would not remarry my xhusband, gweedo and if you read my blog you will know all the reasons why.

With that being said, though, I stumbled upon a blog last week about a woman who left her husband. They are looking divorce straight in the face. She was so transparent with her feelings that I was almost in tears. I wanted so badly to reach out and give her a big hug. If had the opportunity I would and then I would sit her down for a long talk – that I am about to give you.

Oh I would never want to be called an expert at divorce – that is just ugly or even an expert at interpersonal skills – I am just me sharing with you my feelings.

I really can’t say if something happened that I could go back that I would or would not do things the same way, but I have come through the past three years with a new outlook on marriage and divorce.

First and foremost I would say do not give up. We may have – I know at the end I gave up on my marriage. I got to the point of complete hopelessness where I said it would be easier to leave then to stay and fight more. I had no fight left in me. Little did I know that leaving wasn’t a piece of cake either – not for me and definitely not for my daughter.

Even though things have gotten tons better with Shelby she still struggles. She went the first year thinking that her parents would get back together and was completely crushed when her father remarried. She had to work through – with help – tons of anger. She was angry at me because I left the house that she had always known. Then that anger turned toward her father and new stepmother after they got married. Everything has leveled out and she loves her step-parents, but she still struggles with leaving me every other weekend. In her mind, if she had it her way, all four of us (me, JAG, Gweedo & his wife) would all be with her all the time – could you picture it?

Secondly, when you are facing this cross roads no matter how easy it seems to get advice and counsel from family do not make that your primary source. Lets face it as parents we love our children and do not want them to hurt. In many cases we can only see our child’s side and then we react out of emotions only. My mother bounced back and forth I think. At first she was dead set against me getting a divorce – this changed with actions from Gweedo. Once she saw exactly what I went through she understood – but we got divorced remember. I think – I am not sure- that if we tried to reconcile after our separation that there would be issues between my family and him. I definitely know there would be between his family and me. Do you see what I am saying? You need a neutral third party – someone without biases – someone who may not know either of you. At the same time that person needs to open enough to say “both of you have things you need to change.”

Lastly -since I feel like I am just rambling and not providing you with anything decent- remember no one said this would be easy. I am not talking about Divorce – I am talking about Marriage. Six weeks ago JAGdad did not stand in front of me and say “Do you take JAG for happiness 100% time with birds always chirping and never any arguments?” Nope…didn’t happen. You see the honeymoon ends and you are back to bills, groceries and a dog that pees in the middle of the living room floor. It’s not easy – it takes work. You go through your ups and downs. He changes which leads you to change. Your change changes him some more.

There is one thing that I have in this marriage that I did not have with Gweedo – wait two things. First, the commitment that God comes first – always has with our relationship and always will. Let me say, though, there are strong Christians whose marriages end in divorce I am not blind to that, but that is one thing that Gweedo and I did not work on. As someone told me before we got married – we were not equally yoked. I thought I was yoked enough for the both of us – Wrong! Now JAG and I we are equally yoked – may not see eye to eye on political things, but we know where God stands in our life and marriage. If it is not God that you believe in then are your beliefs in-line with your husband’s? It’s extremely difficult to be successful if everyone isn’t playing for the same goal in mind.

Also, if you had not heard, JAG and I pretty much can tell each other anything. We are both gifted with the skills of conversation. We were like this from day one – no practice – no book, we just opened our mouths and out it came. It has helped tremendously.  I know that for some it takes some work, but again no one said it would be easy, so work at it. Hell, what harm could it do when you are faced with divorce – how much worse could it get if you really got out your feelings – non-harming feelings – saying “You are so stupid” is harmful. A counselor can help you with this – trust me your marriage is worth the money.

Oh, this has gotten so long and I am not sure if I have helped anyone. I guess what I am trying to say is Divorce as many know is not the first answer to the problem. At least please don’t let it be. Try everything, everything to find the love that you once had because it’s in there somewhere. I can say that and not feel like a hypocrite because I did give up too soon. I did not attempt to find that love and now it is gone with Gweedo – don’t worry I don’t bat an eye about it. My love for him is like my love for any other child of God, but you know as I said before God knows I would be here today, so he had to have known that I was not meant to love Gweedo anymore than that.

Blending the Family: Shelby’s Confused.

I am sure all mothers love their children, but I think I love this girl more than anyone could possibly love. So, when she is confused it makes me sad and I am a fixer, so it makes me want to fix it now.

I think anyone can expect a nine year old girl to have some questions and some adjustment especially when it is her mother who recently got remarried. In many ways the change is much harder then when Gweedo got married. At the same time though we are blessed that Shelby and JAG have had the best relationship from the start – that has made things easy.

Lately we have had many discussions about last names, proper names and love.

First, Shelby pondered the idea of calling JAG “Dad.” This was a touchy subject or at least I thought it would be. I advised her to call JAG by his real name, not Dad or any form of Dad. Not because JAG isn’t going to be an awesome father, but because Shelby has a father. Also, I have to admit because Shelby’s mother- that would be me – had a fit and a half when there were discussions about Gweedo’s new wife being called “mom.” I live by the principle that there is one mother and one father. You can have step parents, but your mom is your mom and your dad is your dad until there is a mutual agreement for that relationship to no longer be – are you following me? JAG fully understood – thought you should know.

Now we are dealing with last names. Shelby has in her mind that her last name needs to change now that mine did. In her world, though, she doesn’t want to change her name she just wants to add another and take on my maiden name as well. Yes, she would like to have four names that she has to write on everything.

Monday morning before we walked out the door for school she was really concerned. She came to me and said “Mom in the fourth grade we have to write our first and last names on everything. Do I use my old last name or my new last name?”

We reminded her again that her last name has not changed. Poor girl. She wants it to change, but she doesn’t understand that there are reasons why she can’t just take on a new last name. First, it would hurt some people. She is part of a family – actually she is party of two families – Mine and His (Gweedo). I am going to be a woman about it and take the high road to say that it would hurt Gweedo and his family if Shelby up and changed her name. Secondly, the child does not have a grasp (as many nine year olds probably don’t) on the legality and cost of changing your name. You can’t just say “my name is…” and like magic it is done. It takes a judge, a lawyer, a subpoena, a court hearing and a loving filing fee.

Then this morning as we got in the car Shelby asked, “Do I need to tell JAG I love him?” My response is “If you do love him, then you can tell him you love him. If you don’t love him then you don’t have to tell him you love him.” My poor daughter’s response “Daddy makes me tell Julie I love her.” I told my daughter as I would tell any child of mine that I will not make them express their love to anyone if they do not want to do so. I think it is a personal thing. I think it is something that takes time. I do believe Shelby loves JAG and I know JAG loves Shelby, but I don’t think that I will hear her say “I love you” as she walks out the door each morning. Some days she rolls her eyes when she says “I love you too” to me.

I think everything will take time to work through. Mostly importantly above anything else is Shelby knowing she is loved. The girl just added another gaggle of family to her tree and has really felt the love this past weekend. Above anything else – I want her happy.

After typing this I am not sure how it will come across. I hope that readers understand my side on names, love and name changes. Also, just so you know Shelby calls JAG by his really name, not JAG – just fyi. Also, I am sure that Shelby loves her stepmother as well, but may not feel comfortable expressing it yet.

Also, if you had not noticed – Shelby was a zombie cheerleader. The fact that she was a Cowboys Zombie Cheerleader was laughable given the season we are having.

Knowing What I was Missing Before

I was planning an writing on this topic anyway today, but then I read- as I do each morning – NieNie. I am telling you now that if you are not reading her you need to – really…remember this post I did about her here?

Each Monday Stephanie does a NieNie asks segment on blogher and today she asked “What Make You Lucky?” Oh it was perfect!!!!

What makes me Lucky is knowing what I was missing before…

Before I was blessed with a beautiful daughter.

Before I met JAG.

Before I experience what a true, loving, healthy and respectful relationship feels like.

Before I put God before anything else in my life.

Before I was able to take pictures like this…

I keep no secrets about how lucky I feel to be where I am today. I just want to tell that one reader who I am not sure if I know in person or not that he will come. I still think back to that Valentine’s weekend where I sat alone in my house. No Shelby, no big Valentines date – just me, some wine and some chick flicks. During that weekend I made things right in myself. I looked around and said “I am fine right here. If God chooses to not bring anyone to continue my life with I will be perfectly fine right here”. Then of course I said “Please please God. Ok ok…it is in your hands”. I was done with dating. I was content being single – it was a hell of a lot easier then dealing with the loser market of men that came my way. Most of you know how the story goes – a chance email check which lead to a website which lead to a picture of a man which lead me to read his story. Which in that exact moment I knew, cheesy as it may sound, that the big man upstairs said, “you needed to go through what you did, so that you would be ready. You are ready, so here he is.” Well, probably not in those exact words.

I am lucky in that respect. I used to pull my hair out when people would say, “maybe if you take a break from looking he will come to you”. My statement was always, “the next one will be the one…I know it”. That never happened.  I know all of my single readers will cringe when I say find peace within you. Love you and where you are on this exact minute. I am not Dr. Ruth – is she a love doctor or a sex doctor – anyway I am neither, but I do know that I would not have been able to even if I had met JAG before to be where I am if I did not find comfort in being single, step back, and put it in God’s hands. Also enjoy your time. The quiet time to read a book or watch whatever you want to watch on TV or to dance in the kitchen to anything you want. To do those things that us girls do when no one is at home – like spend an hour in front of the mirror removing blackheads – oh wait that might just be me. I also talk to myself… a lot – is that being alone or crazy? Anyway, take the time to enjoy your space before you do this with your life.

My stuff stacked in JAG’s garage.

Don’t get me wrong – I am ecstatic about my move and my starting of a new life and family. I wish I could hug every one of my single readers and friends. I understand what it was like, I was there. My hope is that you will feel what I am feeling now – because I appreciate it so much more then I would have a year ago – for that I am lucky.

 For my lovely reader who asked here is the start of my cross wall. Gweedo, the first husband, would never let me have one – I won’t go into why, but I didn’t even have to ask JAG.

He (JAG) did correct the order of my Faith Hope Love crosses though – what would I do without him – my crosses would be all wrong.

No go visit Stephanie’s blog the Nienie dialogues and check her link to blogher to read what makes others Lucky!

In a Fog

Have you ever completely missed a street that you turn on everyday? Each morning I turn on the same street at almost the same time. Today, I totally missed it and before I realized I was almost a block away. I was lost in thought or so I think because I am really not sure what was happening. I was awaken from the fog of my life by Shelby saying “ummm mom.”

I can’t blame it on sleep deprivation because I was in bed by ten last night. It may be part of my monthly funk. I wish I could pin point what it is exactly and cure it, but to be honest it is work, Shelby’s schedule, and a little thing called a wedding that has put me where I am today.

Please there is no need for concern. I have never wanted anything more than to be Mrs. JAG. I cannot picture my future any other way, but it is the getting there that is driving me batty. There is the normal stress of a wedding day and trying not  to become Bridezilla. Then, in our case there is the stress of combining two completely furnish stocked to the rim homes. That is a feat and a half because we both struggle with letting go of things.

My biggest struggle these days is my house. It may not look like much to you, but to me it used to be everything. I come to tears even writing about it now. You see I entered to my marriage to Gweedo with nothing and I felt like I left with less than nothing – if you have gone through a divorce you understand that feeling. Shelby and I spent six months in a one bedroom apartment rebuilding out lives to the point where I could purchase a home for us to live in. I did it all by myself – this was a huge feat for me. I had not even purchased a car on my own before that point. This house to me even though it is not much look at some days is independence. After a not so great marriage that is all I wanted – to show the world I can do this on my own.

From the first day I moved in it was mine. If I wanted my sofa against a certain wall all I had to do was move it there. I didn’t have to consult with anyone or persuade someone to see it the way I did. All the way down to the way I arranged my pantry was solely up to me. I needed it, I love it and at the time two years ago I didn’t want life to be any different. Just me, Shelby, Beau, a hamster and a house – all I needed to feel successful.  

Well I don’t have to tell that times change. God blessed me with a wonderful man and my priorities have changed. The house is slowly being cleaned out and by December 1^st (I hope) another family will move in and make their own memories. I am keeping the house, but someone else (or many other people) will spend their Christmas’ there. That makes me happy, but at the same time is a little sad and very stressful.

So, I guess that is why I missed my turn this morning. I was in another world of thought trying to come to terms with moving all my things into someone else’s house. A house that I will eventually call mine as well. A house that will one day feel the same as the one on a corner lot just five minutes away, hell it may feel even more like home than that house. I do have to admit, it has a much better back yard than mine, there are not shootings across the street and JAG is there. I can do this and I am not giving up any independence – well at least that I am not supposed to.

That last sentence was just for me. Blah…I guess I am keeping it real for you all. Thank you for reading…I needed to just get it out.

Now to DECORATING!!! I am going to break in JAG’s house this weekend while he is at men’s retreat and decorate for Fall!!! That will make me feel better I am sure!

Thank You for Reading Me!

Over the past couple of days I have been overwhelmed with the realization that people actually read my blog. I know I sound stupid, but I think it is awesome! I love getting comments from reader and from friends that I didn’t know read my blog.

Also love getting my reports from Google Analytics and seeing all the little dots of readers I have in the United States.

You should have heard the squeal I let out when I saw I was being read in the United Kingdom! That is so AWESOME!

Then a bigger squeal when I had a reader appear in Australia!  

So I wanted to “shout out” to my readers in Texas, Wyoming, Utah, Georgia, Oklahoma, California, Ohio, Arizona, Louisiana and Florida along with Canada, United Kingdom, and Australia. Thank you Thank you Thank you for taking time to read my blog!

And one special shout out to my x-husband. Woohoo! Shout out to you! You found my blog…Yeah! I am so glad that you had the time to read through the past two years of entries! Now that you have done that and thrown your fit I get to have a lovely little disclosure that says…

Some names (and faces) have been change to protect (not sure why) identity.

Woohoo! It sounds so TV Crime Show-ish! So readers, let me introduce you to Gweedo, my x-husband. Here he is pictured with his wife Mill.

Sorry…I know for my readers that this is a little dramatic, but I have to say my x-husband provides a weekly source of comedy in my life and that comedy is something I deal with therefore I choose to blog about it.  

Step Parents

I am happy (and lucky) to say I do not have any. My parents have been married for almost 40 years, but Shelby has one (a step parent).  It has come to my attention that even though she has had one for almost a year there are still a few kinks that have not been worked out.

Driving home one afternoon this week my phone rings and I answer (I know…call Oprah, I picked up my cellphone in the car), it is my x-husband.

He says, “I need to talk to you about Shelby.  She has been disrespecting Julia.”

I say, “Really? In which way?” Not meaning disrespect by my questioning, I just needed to know.

His response, “Well things like she doesn’t say thank you.”

Here is where I giggle.  I think we have bigger fish to fry with Shelby’s attitude then whether or not she says thank you all the time.  I understand it is important and I strive for my child to respect her elders , but Miss Attitude does things that could be consider a tad bit more disrespectful then not saying thank you. Still this leaves me convicted about Shelby’s situation.

On one hand I would like to remind my x-husband that I went through a good six months of Shelby being very very angry at me due to the divorce. I think now that anger (which I know isn’t good) is now directed towards him and his wife.

Did (or do you) have step-parents? Did you have an adjustment period? Did you have anger at the step-parent even though they really had nothing to do with your current situation?

There are a whole slew of reasons why Shelby is upset and probably taking it out on her stepmother, I think it would be best to leave those unpublished. I guess my dilemma is teaching Shelby that everyone will have different rules and if she chooses to see her father (it has gotten to the point where it is her choice) then she will have to deal with the rules of his house. This includes tell her stepmother “thank you” often.  

Oh, I could say so much on this topic, but I should probably leave that to my ranting (and laughing) phone calls with my Mom.

Dealing...

A year ago if you were to have asked me if I would have problems with my x-husband possibly getting remarried I would say “Hell No! I could careless.” And I still don’t care in a way that I want him back, but I just wish that he would have been the person he portraying today two years ago.

I seriously don’t know what his type is anymore. I am the second wife. Gweedo's first wife Mibby from what I heard was controlling and mean. She was always in his face. Their relationship ended with her punching him in the face. Mibby is a school teacher. She continued her education and worked with GT students which Gweedo like to brag about. Mibby had slight obsessive compulsive disorder and her house was always super neat. When they built the house that I would wind up living in their relationship felt the strain. A few years after they divorced. What got me the most about Gweedo’s relationship with Mibby is one he started dating me right after she left the house and we dated through their divorce. Secondly, when she found out we were getting married she sent me multiple hurtful emails that he said I was not allowed to respond to. Looking back I shouldn’t have listened. I don’t think he defended me at all.

I was told from his family that I was a refreshing change compared to Mibby. I way also quite a bit younger, since Mibby was old then Gweedo. I was social and didn’t fight with him in front of his family. Gweedo claimed over and over how much happier he was with his second marriage.

Months after I left Gweedo (about 2 months) he moved onto his next rebound, oh I mean girlfriend, Mill. Oh Lord, Mill and I are like night and day. She is conservative to the extreme. She is barely 28 years old (which is almost 10 years younger then Gweedo).  I am not going to slam Mill because she is not my issue. My x-husband’s new personality is my issue. He went from a man who hated church to a man who not only attends church, but also after church functions. He went from a man who only dealt with Shelby by screaming at her to now being portrayed as a “super dad.” I am not sure what it is.

I just realized something very odd. When I was married to Gweedo he demonstrated a lot of characteristics found in Mibby. He was controlling and loved to fight with me. He showed many OCD characteristics that Mibby did. Now in his relationship with the new girl, Mill, he is showing a lot of my characteristics. He resembles a lot of things that he couldn’t stand two years ago. I mean the man went and saw Twilight and he has read 5 Love Languages – That is not the man I know.

So I am dealing. I am in no way pining over my x-husband. I really would never ever want to re-live the hell of that relationship. I am sure eventually that his true side will show through. Until then I will continue with my life and I will probably continue after then too.