Thankful

I feel a little ungrateful after my post yesterday, not sure if you feel the same way of not. I think I just needed a swift kick in the butt to remember just how blessed I am to have the life I have right now.

Last weekend I went to our church’s women’s retreat. I was given the opportunity to lead a session and a craft. The entire weekend I thought how blessed I was that I had such a great church family. Each one of those women made a mark on my heart and I am so grateful to have that time with them. Even though I learned I am allergic to pine and I am still getting over it.

While I was there I was overwhelmed with the feeling of God’s grace. I’ve gotten I huge dose of God’s grace and continue to get it everyday. Just the pure fact that I am living the life I have today is amazing. I’ve been given the opportunity to have a marriage I’ve always dreamed of and given the opportunity to have more children. Three years ago I was set that I would be single mother forever and that all my love would go to Shelby forever and she would have not siblings, which made me sad.

All of those thoughts took me back to my husband and I get so emotional to think about the trials he went through to be where he is today and I’m telling you to not be one single bit bitter about it all. Urgh crying. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and the heartache my love went through losing his first wife. I can’t imagine what is views of his future were. I am so glad I found him.  

Without sounding conceited we blessed each other. God put us together in his perfect time and everything after that has been pure bliss. Things aren’t always perfect, but they are perfect enough for us, right honey?

It’s true that I want more than what I have in the way for my job. I feel the tug to be at home so bad, but God hasn’t given me that green light yet. I fell like he is telling me to get my junk together first. He’s telling me that I can pull off being at home if I stop picking up little extras at target twice a week and other spending that is totally unnecessary. That takes self discipline that I need to get quickly. I’m working on it…that’s call I can say.

I am blessed beyond measure for my girls and baby #3. I think I’ve said that over and over again.

So, life isn’t bad at all. Some days I get down, but I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps as my mother always says and push on. I need to cook more! I foresee a menu planning Monday post, so watch out of it.

How has God blessed you?

I May Dislike Mornings, but I am Still Blessed

Conversation in the car last night:

Me: I need to write

JAG: yes you do. What do you need to write about? Pregnancy?

Me: What about it? How I am tired? How I hate your alarm that you hit four times in the morning. How I woke up this morning with raging hormones thinking “I hate me life.”

Yeap, I thought it most of Monday morning, but it’s not true. I don’t “hate” my life. I just fully despise Monday mornings.  Also, even though I still have six months to go, I cannot stand pregnancy hormones.

I am mean…mean…mean. I told JAG this morning after he hit is alarm for the second time, “I need to roll on my right side, but I don’t want you facing me so roll over.” Poor guy. I get so angry in the mornings. A lot of it has to do with the fact that he can get out of bed walk across the room hit snooze, come back to bed and being fully asleep snoring within two seconds. By the time I feel myself falling asleep his dang alarm goes off again! I have stop myself from saying “Just get your lazy self out of bed already and don’t you dare roll over here and hug me.” I also can’t stand being touched right now…it’s like that for the entire pregnancy normally. Actually, I think the meanness lasts the entire pregnancy too. Poor JAG.

If you think I’m moody you should meet Shelby these days. Oh man she is embracing 11 with a full load of pre-teen hormones. Last night I watched the end of her cheer practice and was a little disappointed. After three years (and a chunk of her momma’s money) she was still doing cheers with sloppy arms. It kills me when she knows how to do something correctly, but refuses. I didn’t go all cheer mom on her, but when we go in the car I said “your coach said you are doing great and she is not concerned about you miss two practices next week, but girl your arms are sloppy.” She said she knew and it was because “you were there. Next time you can come, but just don’t look at me.” Really?

Then this morning in the car on the way to middle school Shelby said “I can’t stand school.” Yikes, we are only three weeks in. I started questioning her as to why. Is she being bullied? Are her classes too tough? No to the bullying – thank goodness. Her response was “I just hate it. I hate every period from first to eighth.” Oh how I would love to fix this for her by pulling her out and homeschooling, but I really don’t think she would like that too much either. When we get in these conversations I am at a loss. I loved school until late junior high and that was due to bullies in a new school. I loved to learn when I was Shelby’s age so it’s hard for me to understand why she is facing this now.

Usually, I face this “I don’t like school” in the spring, not three weeks into the school year. I am just going to continue to talk to her about the situation and maybe I can get to the root of the problem.

Again, I wish I had some wise motherly words of wisdom on how to get over pregnancy hormones and deal with an 11 year olds’ dislike of the sixth grade. I guess I’ll put one foot in front of the other and continue with my day.

I will listen to Shelby, I will breathe more, pray more and try to be nicer to my poor husband. Yes, mother, I will try to be nicer to poor JAG…you know this hormone thing is 50% his fault. I guess I am blessed that he finds my snarky attitude cute and humorous…at least I think he does.  

I don’t hate my life…I just dislike mornings and anytime that I’m not sleeping. God has blessed me beyond measure and I am thankful for every ounce of attitude I get from my daughter and every ounce of sickness I feel due to this new baby. 

My Psalm 37:4

Recently a childhood friend of mine post this to facebook:

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of something we don’t have but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.  Frederick Keonig

It hit home especially since this is the time of year where my Amazon wish list gets bigger by the day and I find myself questioning if I can keep the dollar bill I found in Shelby’s laundry. 

I was given a big gift this year – I know you are thinking I am meaning the seven pound gift I was given almost 3 months ago – no it is bigger. 

I was given the picture I have always wanted.

loving my big fake smile at the end, right?

Yes it’s a photo booth picture – from my cousin’s wedding to be exact, but it’s so much more. Look deeper, do you see it?

It’s a family. It’s the family that I have dreamed of for years. It’s my Psalm 37:4 – I challenge you to look it up.

I have to step back this time of year, take a deep breath and remember I am Blessed – Blessed beyond words for I put my trust, my life, in the hands of my Heavenly Father and He in turn has given me a gift that’s joy leaves me speechless. It that moment that inhale and tears feel my eyes – I am blessed. 

So, do you? Do you snag the dollar bill that your child left in the clothes? I mean it could be a fee for doing their laundry, right?

I Very Well Could Have the Baby Blues.

This was my thought yesterday after my post. I got all down and blue, but realized that it wasn’t far off from how I feel everyday lately.

I went out to the garage thinking maybe my Christmas spirit had kicked in since I spent most of the morning watching that youtube video over and over again –it makes me happy. No such luck and opened a box then quickly shut it again – still not in the mood to put out the snowmen of the world or the ceramic Christmas tree with red bulbs that my Meme made years ago. For now those things will sit in their boxes right next to the dreaded treadmill. 

I did dig in another box that still has not been unpacked since my move. I found two things that make me happy – my bowls. Actually they are my Granny’s bowls. I love their shape and color. They are a little piece of the old me that I have just kept in the box. I think that is whole other blog – the feeling that I am not the me I was before pregnancy. I am not sure where the final home for my bowls will be, right now they are on my window seal (is that correct wording…window seal…must google…ahh it’s sill, but you understand) so I can enjoy them while I work. 

Ahhh work - the blessing that allows me to stay in my sweats all day and still get a paycheck – expect for today and tomorrow. I have meetings…urgh…I have to get dressed. I have to put on makeup to cover the black rings that have formed under my eyes during the past two months. I have to do my hair – which is always in a ponytail these days – yeap I have become a stay at home mom and I LOVE IT!!! I am lucky. I am blessed that I have not yet had to find childcare for my daughter – even though I will need to after the first of the year. I blessed that I get to spend the day with her sitting next to me smiling most of the time. 

Yesterday in the middle of my funky mood I decided to make twisted rosettes for Shelby so that she had them for headbands . I went back into the garage looking for felt – it took me thirty minutes to find it and made my mood even worse. I got everything together and started my project…midway through my glue gun ran out of glue – don’t you hate that. I got up and went to Bkeah’s closet where all my bow making things are (someday I will have all my crafts together maybe in a room). I searched and searched, but could not find my glue. I had a meltdown – I cried  - I cried a big gasping for breath cry. Of course in the middle of it JAG calls. I let go on the poor guy and his response after all my rants was “You is important. You is kind. You is beautiful.”  He didn’t read the book, but he so saw the movie. In my state of self-loathing I responded with “um yeah whatever.” 

One good thing did come out of my hissy fit – I found my Granny’s ornament in the top of Bekah’s closet.  I am the one who gets the pack rat hand-me-downs that my father doesn’t want and I hoard keep them just as he had done. I knew someday that old slipcover box would be opened and those plastic ornaments would be used. 

Bekah has the perfect tree for them – a silver…umm what’s the word…umm…is it tinsel? Anyway her silver tree that Shelby gave her this year. I quickly used the hooks provided in the box and decorated her tree until it was perfect. That made me happy. 

So I am awake this morning and I will probably have to put on makeup because it doesn’t seem like the meeting will be cancelled today. I will do my best to be happy maybe cheerful, I might even laugh or maybe just dance…hmmm dance. Dancing makes me happy.

Where do Darth Vader and Pocahontas Snuggle?

Well on my Christmas tree of course!

Happy Monday after Thanksgiving! Do you have the same “urgh” feeling that I do returning to work this morning? Don’t you wish we could just have a month long holiday that would start on Thanksgiving and end after Christmas?

Thanks to my in-laws I did get our Christmas tree up over the weekend. So far it’s just my tree and our Christmas stockings. I am stuck in a major Bah-Hum-Bug state of mind. I go into the garage, open a box, look at the decorations and think, “not today.” I am planning on cracking open The Purpose of Christmas written by Rick Warren this afternoon – hopefully that will help with my Christmas spirit. 

How was your Thanksgiving? This year JAG and I hosted his family. It was wonderful – a little stressful, but wonderful to have family here this year. I realized just how small my kitchen is and how I really miss having a dining room.   

On Friday we were treated by JAGdad to a hockey game – Dallas Star and the Toronto Maple Leaves. We took Bekah and Shelby with us. I was pretty stressed about taking an eight week old to a huge arena surround by beer drinking scream hockey fans, but it actually was much easier then I thought. The noise drowned out her crying during the third period, but that was short lived when the screams of fans scared her so badly that she stuck her bottom lip out – then this momma said it’s time to head home. 

Shelby had a blast at her first Hockey game especially since she had her uncle and grandfather there to fill her in on the rules. 

I pretty much had a blessed Thanksgiving. Speaking of blessed – look at these girls! I am so blessed to be their mother – love them so much!

Let Me Catch You Up

Sorry that I have been a stranger – life has been busy!

First off Shelby had her adenoids removed last Friday. She was nervous, but oh my big grown up girl did great.

I have to say I love Cook’s Children’s  hospital. They were wonderful – I want to have surgery there. They made Shelby feel so comfortable. They made sure to question everything  - we had multiple nurses come in to verify what she was having done and see if we had any questions – Shelby felt like a star. Twenty minutes before her surgery they administered the “goofy juice.”

After a bit she looked over and said “Mommy you are so pretty.” I knew then the goofy juice had kicked in full force. She kept saying “I don’t feel silly,” but she was sure was acting silly.

When she woke up it was a completely different story. She was mad and moody. She kept asking what she was doing there and throwing herself on the bed. The nurse told me that girl respond differently – especially the older ones – all their moodiness comes out. That little toot turned to me and said “Mommy you look so ugly.” I just rolled my eyes and told her to go back to sleep.

So far she is recovering just fine even though I would prefer that she would rest more – she is always going – I miss the Shelby that used to nap.

The following Monday Shelby, JAG and I went for my sonogram appointment. JAG was in awe – he was surprised all the thing you could see – the bladder, kidney’s and spine.

Let me back up a second. During the prior week Shelby and I consulted the Magic Eight Ball. Shelby asked “is mommy going to have a girl?” and the Eight Ball responded “most definitely.” And do you know what?

That Magic Eight Ball was RIGHT!!!

We learned the little being inside of me is our Rebekah Genevieve Bahn! I was so excited, but quickly turned to my husband and said “oh honey I am so sorry.” He really wanted a son. I’ve known for awhile that she was a girl – I sensed it and they say that a mother can normally since those things or I think it was 70% chance – something like that.

I think that JAG is meant to be a father of girls. I could us having two more after this one! I love girls – I am meant to be a mother of girls! Not that I wouldn’t have been happy to have a boy – because you never know…they could have read the sonogram wrong.

Tuesday was Shelby’s big day – her 2^nd First day of Fourth grade! I have to say she did awesome! She has surprised me with her lack of drama and her resilience to the entire situation. This morning she thanked me for finding her a good school.

With all of this I am reminded again how I am blessed. Blessed beyond belief.

Blessed...Yeap, Again

It came to my attention that while I am overflowing with the blessed feeling of being a part of JAG’s family on many a post that I need to pause and think…have I told you how blessed I am to be a member of my own family?

My father made me cry on Saturday, he doesn’t realize that he did. He was not mean or rude and he didn’t say anything tacky – except that I make my baked beans wrong. He said I love you before he hung up. I balled – ask JAG. I went straight into the backyard where JAG was sitting and said My Dad said he Loved Me and I don’t know what I am crying. His response because you don’t normally hear it.

Wait! Wait! This isn’t a knock at my parents blog – I do not come from I Love You family, not that I didn’t feel loved. This is just the way we are – that is our normal. So, at the age of 33 an I love you from my Daddy chokes me up badly. I didn’t need him to tell me for me to know, but just him saying it sent chills through me and tears streaming.

I am blessed to have been born to this couple. I am blessed that I was their last child at the age of 30 and 31. I am lucky to have parents who have survived and in the end love each other so much – even though I don’t understand how they deal with each other sometimes.

As I have said before, I wish my relationship with my sister was different, read it here. At the same time though, I am blessed to have a sister at all. When I was five my sister fell out of a moving car, a big wheeled moving car, onto a blacktop road narrowly being missed by a crushing tire. I remember it like it was yesterday – I could have lost my sister that day. My sister and I had many episodes in our crazy teen years where we could have lost each other – we are blessed that we didn’t.

Overall I am blessed to be in this family! I love my family so much.

I love you, Dad – even though he doesn’t read.

I love you, Mommy – she reads every day!

And I love you, my sweet sister – she hardly ever reads my blog.

Blessed

A favorite of mine taken by JAGdad.

I didn’t dawn on me, I already knew, but it did stick in my head this morning on the way to work – I am blessed.

As I journey through my new path in life I am reminded how blessed I truly am. God gave me an awesome husband. He also blessed me with a beautiful daughter.

More than anything I reminded when I am told “we are praying for you” how blessed I am to have found a family outside of my family. When I married JAG I was blessed with an awesome family. I have great brother and sister in-laws, my in-laws (Mama B and JAGdad) are more then I could ever imagine and I have the best extended family of aunts and grandparents.

Most of all I was blessed with the best church family. I really mean family – from the first day I walked through the door I felt I was meeting JAG’s family.

I am now blessed to be friends with some wise women who know exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it from praying to examples of their lives to just telling me to breath. I am also blessed to have a wonderful pastor. I have had a home church before, but I have never felt as home as I do with my church family.

I just wanted to say thank you. Many thanks to each of you for the prayers, for the hugs and for the long email chats that help me get over the humps in life and celebrate all the awesome blessings we have been given!

My prayer is that you find something in your life that makes you feel as blessed as I feel right now – it is an awesome feeling.