Sisters and Morning Drama

Today started out like most others. I woke up for the second time (I wake up before Matt leaves and make him coffee - good wife) and get the little girls dress (which means I throw a pair of leggings under their night gowns and put on some socks) then we take Shelby to school. Normally, there isn’t much drama in the process, but today there was a full-on sock crisis. 

You see the Target Dollar Spot had Frozen socks so while shopping with my mom (who is in town) we picked up a few pairs. Well, this morning I just grab the first two pair out of a pile of clean clothes. I put Elsa socks on Morgan and Olfa socks on Bekah - there lies my mistake. Bekah did not want Olfa socks because “they are blue” and “they aren’t cute”. “I want Princess Anna of Aaronbell (that’s what she calls it) they are pink and pink is cute.” “I can’t wear these!” 

This went on for a good five minutes and trust me I told her many times that I was done with the discussion because really we were just dropping Shelby off at school no one would see her socks! 

As we are putting the girls in the van Shelby said it smells “like dog outside.” To which Bekah heard “Bekah smells like a dog.” And oh my did that ever blow up! “I’m not a dog.” “I don’t smell like a dog.” “Shelby called me a dog” All the while Shelby defending herself, but little sister just would not let it go. 

Shelby gets out of the van at school and I say “ok say goodbye to Shelby.” Bekah’s response was “YOUR a DOG Shelby!” Oh my. As we were pulling away Bekah still won’t drop it, “She called me a dog and that’s just so mean!” 

This is life at our house. My oldest and my middle child fight like this all the time. The 10 year age gap doesn’t mean a thing they constantly pick at each other and it goes both ways. I am sitting here analyzing their personalities to see if their alikeness is causing the friction or if it is because they are each the oldest child. Shelby was an only child for 10 years and that gap really puts Bekah in the oldest sister role with Morgan. Am I making sense? 

Please don’t get me wrong they can be sweet to each other sometimes and there is a lot of love there. Bekah looks up to her big sister and tries to act just like her (which is interesting) while Shelby is very protective of her littles. 

I guess my role here is just keep the peace and pray that all of this bickering will end and that they will have a great relationship. 

Speaking of prayers, today is the day that I say extra prayers over my father. It’s his yearly check at MD Anderson and while we aren’t expecting anything bad it’s always good to pray. 

PTL!!!

PTL=Praise The LORD!

and I am praising him today because of this post my mother put on facebook

Dave is my dad and he is marking 2 1/2 years of being clear of cancer. 

I remember Christmas almost 3 years ago when he said he had this bump on his neck and he guessed he should possibly go to the doctor when he got back home to check it out. My sister was the one who put her foot down and made him go - he wasn't much for doctors at the time. 

By mid-January we found out that my father had cancer and we all joined in together to help him fight the battle. I am happy and proud to say he fought!

Cancer has taken a toll on his body and he is literally half the man he used to be, but he's still with us and he's still a spitfire! I can't always count on him to not mince words when offering advice and I have to say I love that about him!

So, Praise The Lord! God is so Very Good! And my family is truly blessed!

Today I am linking up with Tuesdays Unwrapped at Chatting at the Sky. 

Happiness Project: Being Creative

This week my sewing machine makes me happy! It has been years since I have sewn anything, but I vowed to have somewhat of a handmade Christmas, so I pulled it out and got busy.

It made me even happier to know I can still sew. I guess it is like riding a bike.

Also, even though he drives me batty, this picture made me happy. I love it when he is still and quiet. Look at those paws. He is a year old this month, but I am sure he has a lot more growing to do.

And my retro camera on my cellphone has made me happy this week, if you couldn’t tell.

In case you were here last week I wanted to let you know my Dad is back from MD Anderson. All of his scans and tests were clear! He is cancer free!

Need more happiness this Tuesday…well go see Leah!

The Happiness Project: My Daddy’s Birthday

Oh it is a Happy Day! My Dad, Daddy, Old Man, Pappa is a year older!!!

I wouldn’t say that my father was ever touch and go this past year – if we were ever to the point were we thought this would be our last year with him. I think he thought that and said MD Anderson was trying to kill him multiple times, but they didn’t.

When I heard “your father has cancer” I balled…balled my eyes out – tears now. It is a hard thing to hear. Even if you know that person will not succumb to their diagnoses it’s hard to think about what they have to go through to get to the other side. It’s been a long year, but he has pulled through!!! YAY!!!

And now we get to celebrate him being old!!!

My father doesn’t read my blog unless my mom reads it to him. Remember he is the one who thinks he will get a virus from Google – God love ‘em. So mom please tell him:

Happy Birthday Daddy!!!

Tell him if he has his teeth in all day today I will send him a gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond! Hey, he’s been through a lot he is allowed to take his teeth out, but not for an entire day!

Also Happy Birthday to my awesome employee Stefanie!!!!

Want more Happiness – like this wasn’t enough! You know where to go…go see Leigh!

I Cry – I Don’t Think There is a Normal.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. I am sorry to say that I do not know all the details of this day and the meaning in the Lutheran Church, but I am learning. I didn’t even know it was a day/service until JAG quickly told me as we walked into church. He had forgotten that the pastor made sure to tell him – you will see why. All I have to say is Pastor if you are reading this we really need to get boxes of Kleenexes in the sanctuary next year. Especially in the back left (my left, your right) you know where I am every Sunday.

When JAG pulled me aside and told me I didn’t think too much of it – I was sure I could handle it – it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Let me stop because I know there are a few of you that are just completely lost right now. Since I introduced you to JAG I have kept a story to myself mainly because it was not my story to tell, but the realization is that it is has now become a part of my story. I am just going to type and see what the Lord gives me to share with you today.

I am JAG’s second wife. I have dealt with dating (and even marrying) a divorced man. In many ways divorce is so much easier then what JAG had for me. His first wife, his first love, the one he would have never divorced passed away from cancer.

I think I knew more about her then I did him when I decide to meet JAG in person (we met online incase you hadn’t heard).  I swear I have typed and deleted about a dozen sentences so far in the paragraph. Lets just say I was a very cautious girl and did my homework which lead me to meet JAG’s first wife via obituaries and blog posts by JAGdad before I met JAG. This helped me, it helped me to have a face. Looking back, I think it help me with the bond I feel to her.

Even though looking back on our time together so far things have never gotten bad enough for me to run, it hasn’t always been easy. Since the beginning I believed we were put together at this exact time for a reason. When we met my father was just diagnosed with cancer and I was about to face the 1 year anniversary of James’ death. We understood each other. We both faced cancer with a loved one and we both lost someone who was close to us too soon.

To be honest with you – it has been hard. Harder then I could ever imagine, but at the same thing I would not change a thing. I struggle with loving someone so much who was in love me, but still so in love with her. That is understandable – I read articles on it in the beginning. I was very careful not to rush him I just sat back and let him lead. Her death was not sudden and if there is one thing that she did well was prepare. She prepared ever detail – she knew who would get what piece of jewelry, she knew the scriptures she wanted during her memorial service – she made lists galore. She also had a long talk with her husband – wait that is their story. I want to be very careful when giving this to you that I do not try to tell a story that does not belong to me.

Besides knowing that he loved someone still so much my other struggle is the knowing that all this awesomeness I am in now would not be if is wasn’t for her death. I think that gets me more than anything. It’s not guilt, it’s sadness. You know how I feel about grief. I am also a healer so if it were up to me she would be here right now and there would be no pain in her family or in his. Again, I have to think – things happen for a reason. Urgh…I am rambling aren’t I?

Let’s just say there are books about there, but they do not do any good because I don’t believe there is a right way – or a wrong way – to date, fall in love and marry a widower. I am kind of making it up as I go.

With that said I didn’t think that All Saints Sunday would affect me, but man I was so wrong! I opened up that bulletin and saw her name. I realized then that this would not be just a brief mention – I started bighting the inside of my mouth trying to fight back the tears, but it didn’t help. I felt it in my throat – the starting of my balling – full out balling. New purse equals no Klennexs. I looked around the pew – nothing. I jumped up and walked as fast as I could to the nearest bathroom. I pulled at least half of the box out – sorry I will bring a new box on Sunday – and proceeded to have a little out loud sobbing before going back in. My hope was it would be over by the time I got back. Of course that didn’t happen – someone upstairs thought I needed to face this. I am sure all you could hear during the moment of silence was my crying and Shelby asking “why is she crying?” over and over again. I regained composer after a few minutes, then turned to JAG and said “I am glad it is get a shot of wine Sunday. I so need it.” – I hope that doesn’t offend anything we really needed some comic relief at that moment. I think I cried enough for the both of us because JAG sat there as manly as ever – you could tell he cried on the inside, but you never saw a tear.

After service a younger woman that have I started to get to know came over. She had good intentions, but her statements are what led me to type this blog. She asked why I was crying and if I lost someone recently. I just looked at JAG because this was JAG’s church since he was a child – you have to have been sleeping through every service if you didn’t know the loss that JAG went through. She knew, but she just couldn’t grasp how it would affect me. She reassured me again and again how I was part of the church family now. Urgh how to do I say this with out sounding tacky – she had the best of intentions and I feel blessed that someone was concerned for my crying, but I think most people around me knew why I was crying. This is where I make it up as I go – I am not sure if it normal or not, but I cry about JAG’s first wife. I mourn for her. I feel like I have grown so close to her as well so when Pastor said her name it didn’t feel like he was saying my now husband’s first wife’s name, but that he was saying the name of one of my dearest friends. Many pictures of her still sit through out our home and she will remain there. If God gives us children, then they will know. Those are JAG’s memories and I will preserve them as long as he wants me to.

Again, it hasn’t been easy, I wish things were different, but I am so blessed to be the one going through this with him.

Sorry that I did not include a name. I mean you don’t even get JAG’s name, so I definitely wasn’t going to include her name. She is in this blog – there is a blog with a picture of her – I snuck it in.

I want to leave you with something pretty. While typing this I listened to Mindy Gledhill. This is one of my favorites for you.

Happiness Project: My Father

My parents have been staying with me for a few weeks. It’s been different. They have taken over my house and that is all I am going to say about that. That is not my happiness…haha…sorry mom.

My happiness is getting to see the pictures of my dad ringing the bell at MD Anderson once he completed all of his cancer treatment! This was a few months ago, but last week was my first opportunity to see them!

Here he is



That funky thing in his hand is his radiation mask...it's creepy looking to me.

Doesn’t he look different without the mustache? It’s actually not as hard as I was to see him hairless. As you remember from this post it was very sad for me.

And here is the inscription on the bell.

Thank you MD Anderson for making my not so big anymore Daddy well!

Need more Happiness on your Tuesday? Go Visit Leigh's blog!

This is Why I Chose Oncology.

Just to let you know I practiced the ask forgiveness not permission for this post. I pulled pictures from facebook and did not let anyone know I was writing this post. Sorry.

I start school again on Tuesday. I am dreading taking classes during the summer, but I have to get through a few more requirements before the fall.

Incase you didn’t know, I am working to complete my RN. I made the decision over a year ago that this is what I wanted to be when I grow up. I had been searching for a profession where I could give back, where I could help, something that Shelby could be proud of as well.

Oncology became my area of focus this year. I don’t mean to sound morbid or depressive, but I think it is not if cancer is going to affect your life it’s when. Everyone I know knows someone who has had cancer or they have dealt with it themselves. I want to help. I want to do my part in life and oncology is where I am called to be.

Why you ask? Here are my reasons why I am going into Oncology.

William David Moulder

Nicole Micek Bahn

Robert Adams

Amy Townsend

Angie Spivey Block

Brian Tooley

(on the right. They are twins, so I thought you might need help)

Each one of these truly precious people have led my decision for how I will spend my life. They will be my motivation to wake up every morning and help. For some I will keep their memory and their spirit with me always and others I am so happy to say are still here to read this post. I have love for all of them!

Urgh…now I need some Kleenex. 

A New Friend...

So I have a new friend in my life. He has been with me for about two months and the longer he stays the more annoying he gets. I know that my friend isn’t healthy and that people are not supposed to have this friend.

My friend is Anxiety and I just can’t seem to shake him.

Lately I feel anxious over everything when I know I shouldn’t. Right now as I type this I am worried about:

• Not being able to afford my house.
• Getting everything done before my Brownie Meeting tonight.
• Getting my grant money before May 1^st so the school doesn’t drop me.
• The fact that I killed two ants on my kitchen counter this morning and I have fear they are in there right now eating the little food I have.
• Getting Shelby through 3^rd grade.
• My dad’s chemo this week.
• My relationship with JAG. (it’s perfect…hence my anxiety)
• Hoping I don’t kill the minivan since I still haven’t changed the oil.
• Preparing for the Southern Living Party I have to do this weekend.

I know there are larger things in life to be worried about, but sometimes I sit and look at my calendar and get overwhelmed. I hear my mother say “Don’t bite off more then you can chew.” How can I not? There are things I HAVE TO DO and some things I HAVE TO FACE.

Yes, I have prayed, but still I am not sure what is wrong with me.

On Sunday we were at church and JAG gave me a look that I thought was disappointment in something I didn’t do. I sat there the rest of the service biting the inside of my mouth trying not the cry. I held it in until we got to the car and then asked him. Then without out bat of my eyes I was in full on tears. Come to find out he didn’t make that look at me. He made that look because his stomach growled and he realized he hadn’t eaten breakfast. There I was bawling and laughing at the same time.

It is moments like that where I ask “What in the hell is wrong with me these days?” “Am I completely losing it?”

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." ~Romans 12:12

Fighting the pudge…what motivates you?

Back in December I posted this picture on my facebook and said how I had lost 30 pounds since December of 2008. I proclaimed at that time I wanted to lose at least another 30 pounds before February. Well, that didn’t happen. I am a foodie and a southern foodie to boot so I love food made with Butter! I wish I could blame Paula Deen for my fat thighs, but I can’t I did this all to myself and know I am faced with the task of getting back on the wagon…I just have to get the motivation to hoist my chunky butt back up there.

I have never been petite I was bless with the Wardlaw family genes, but If I could go back ten years I would kick myself for thinking I was fat. I thought I was huge and did just about anything to lose a few pounds. Then I gain 68 pounds with Shelby! Yeap 68 pounds. Again, I am not blaming Shelby either. I mean the girl is almost nine years old. I blame me.  

You see since I was 18 I worked for Jenny Craig Weight Loss Centres. I spent all day everyday focusing on weight; I was always “on the program.” So, when I got pregnant it was a free for all…premission to eat whatever I felt like shoveling in my mouth and since vegetables made me sick it wound up being things that Joe’s Coffee Shop Burger Baskets (if you are local you gotta find a Joe’s. There are two locations…Yummy). I remember my OBGYN’s nurse telling me I would regret gaining all this weight while I was pregnant because it would be difficult to get it off and not to mention totally unhealthy. Again, I regress and I think I could have probably lost all that weight and more if I just got in gear.

So, what motivates you to lose weight?

Is it your health? Do you want to not be short of breath walking across the parking lot? Do you have a mental image of yourself at smaller size? Do you have a picture of what you would like to look like? Do you have a picture of where you never want to be again (like the one at the start of this blog)?

When I used to motivated clients to lose weight we would look at their current weight and then set a number goal weight. Then we would talk about what would be different at that weight. What would they do differently in their day? Would they be able to run for relaxation or fit into a dress from two years ago? Would they walk into a room at their class reunion and still be their high school weight? What would their husband think about the shape they were in? Would their weight loss help their children to live a healthier life style?

See…I can do it. I can motivate anyone to do anything; that is anyone, but me. So what motivates Dana to lose weight? Right now in my life there are a handful of things that should (I say should) motivate me, meaning I am a little motivated, but have to get in gear.

1. Summer: Not that I will be in a bathing suit this year (I refuse…I don’t care what Lacy says), but I live in Texas and it easier to deal with Texas heat when you are not overweight.
2. Someday I will get re-married and will possibly have a wedding with pictures (yikes). I think you understand my fear.
3. If you know me you know my hope for the future is to have more kids (maybe even 4 more) and I want healthy pregnancies. If I start at this weight then it will be more difficult I believe for me.
4. I have clothes that I have held onto for a few years that I need to get back into. I paid some decent money for them and I can’t bear to part with them.
5. JAG…NO! The man could care less about my weight, but he is working on getting almost down to his army weight, so I need to get busy too. I don’t want to have a buff man while I am all pudgy…just a personal thing.
6. Health.

Now that is the list. I am very very visual so I use pictures to motivate myself. I used to want to look like this, until I realized Dayna only weighs 98 pounds.

This Dana will never in a million years weigh 98 pounds. I think this picture motivates me the most, but I was 18 here. I was about 50 pounds lighter then I am now.

I think my ideal weight is about 45 to 50 pounds smaller then where I am currently. So there…I am somewhat motivated. What about you? Are you where you want to be?

Father update

My dad is still doing well. He has developed sores in his mouth that are bugging him. I realized on the way into work this morning that during his next round of chemo they are expecting for him to start losing his hair. It just hit me that that means he will lose his trademark. Meh…my father has had that mustache for 35 years. I have never seen him without it.

I really need to blog on the weekends

Then maybe just maybe my Monday blogs wouldn’t be so full of random things that I have to get out!

I guess I should start with what seems like the question of the week…

Who is JAG?

Tisk Tisk Tisk…you don’t read my blog on a regular basis because if you did you would know from this post. Someday I will release JAG’s real name, but until then know it’s more like Mr. Big on Sex & the City and not at all like Big Poppa on Real Housewives of Atlanta.

JAG is a huge part of my life. I believe exactly what he posted about me in his blog “I’m certain that this is God’s doing.” There is really no other explanation for the circumstances and the place that we are both in at this time in our lives. I am also happy to report that I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop in this relationship I have become so happy and so secure! My thought to myself as I drove into work the other morning was “so this is what healthy feels like.” I hate to say…I have never felt a healthy relationship before. 

I really have become so frustrated with Shelby’s school situation. If it’s not one thing it is another. Friday night JAG and I had a discussion with Shelby where she said that someone had written obscenities about her on the bathroom wall. She is 8! The words this girl told me she should have never seen much less seen with her own name association with them. Needless to say I have started researching private schools in our area. I understand the benefit of public schools, but at the same time the benefits of private schools far outweigh public. I so just want her to succeed and I feel for her. I too was faced with bullies, but I was much older then Shelby is now. I am amazed by the cliques that are apparent already in the 3^rd grade.

How was your Easter? Ours was wonderful! We had a great weekend filled with time at church and time with each other.  Here are some pictures from Easter Sunday.

I am so overly happy to report that my father is taking chemo like a champ! He has had some mild stomach burning, but that is it. I think that is so awesome and hope it continues that way!

Another Random Thursday Entry!

Seriously I can’t believe it is already April! Where did February and March go? Shelby will be out of 3^rd grade about two months and on to being a big 4^th grader.

My thoughts are with my parents today. My father starts chemo this afternoon. I thought it was odd that they put his port into his arm instead of on his chest. I guess it is different for each type of cancer. My mother has a course that she is going through this afternoon to learn how to clean the port since he will go home with a pump. Chemicals will be pumped into him for the next 3 days. Wow there is something about that statement that brings tears to my eyes.

My father is still smoking and not eating healthy. As his daughter I guess I should be upset with him like my sister is right now, but I am not. I feel that his smoking and eating will be cut to a minimum once chemo starts. My stand is that my father is 63 years old therefore he knows what is good for him and what is bad for him. If he continues to make choices that are not healthy that is his decision to make. I am not going spend what time I have with him lecturing him like I would Shelby.

I believe that my father’s cancer along with some other things in my life right now have lead to some serious anxiety in my life. Yes, I have prayed, but I just can’t shake it. All I can think about is “Yield.” Give my anxious feelings to him and ask that he help.

I had an awful night last night, nothing major just way too many plates in the air at one moment. I woke this morning thinking about priorities. My hope for my future is my priorities will be God first, husband (yeap someday) second, children third then everything fills in from there. Sometimes I find myself putting other things before all three of those things…sad to think about.

This is my calendar for March…it was a crazy month.

I have found it odd that I have this, sometimes overwhelming, fear that I have not given Shelby the proper skills to succeed. I found this video from when she was in kindergarten. She was in a private school where she memorized new verses every week. I feel like I need to start this again with her.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6 ESV)

That brings me to Easter. This year I have had a conviction about the way I handle Easter. Years past it has been egg decorating and hunting. Candy galore! That is not a bad thing, but this year my hope is to teach as well. JAG and Shelby have had many discussions about the true meaning of Easter, so I hope to add to that.

I still want to get Shelby an Easter basket…actually I think I have like six or eight in storage (I so need to clean out) and I love Shawni’s Easter morning idea, but I will have to attempt to fit that in with a 6 am service at JAG’s church…maybe next year.

Since today is the beginning of a new month Lacy and I decided to start our year long reading of the bible today. Today we are reading Mark 1-2 and Proverbs 1. I found a plan for beginners. I also found keys on how to read the bible successfully here.

Here is what you need to know:

• Pray first before opening God's word.  Ask for guidance and to be able to accept what is written and to be able to apply His will to your life.
• Never, never read the Bible trying to proof your belief on any subject.  It is only human nature to take ideas out of context. 
• When you are reading and come across something that does not make sense, reread the paragraph or chapter again.  If you still do not understand, write down the problem area and continue onward. You may discover the answers later in your reading.
• Do not read large amounts of the Bible in one setting.  Take breaks often.  Or stay with about 4-6 chapters a day. 
• Start with the New Testament, people who start with the Old Testament almost never read the Bible all the way through.  The New Testament is what is binding on us today not the Old.  We need to follow God's will for us today not what was intended for the Jews.
• Forget everything you have ever heard about Jesus, God and the Bible before you start reading the Bible.  Don't take what you want it to say with you first.

I will keep you updated on what we learn. I am looking forward to the conversations Lacy and I will have!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thursday!