Ancient Things and America

It was the last chance to complete this project with Shelby before she was swept away to spend Thanksgiving with Gweedo and his family. The first time I saw this project on Shawni’s blog I knew I had to put it on my list of things to do with my family.  I had been putting it off and then have been sick for almost two weeks, but I grabbed a box of Kleenexes and sucked it up. I had to have this done last night – HAD TO and I am so glad I did.

I was lucky that it feel into the theme for Mama Cat’s Writing prompt for this week. It was perfect – ask your child what they think Thanksgiving is and what they are thankful for.

First off for the past three weeks the public school system has been pounding the meaning of Thanksgiving into Shelby’s head. She knows names I have never heard of and locations I didn’t even know exists. Of course, JAG knows all the details – all I know is the pilgrims and the Indians and the true story about Christopher Columbus – American Literature it was eye opening.

In true Shelby fashion when she was asked what Thanksgiving was about she cleared her throat, folded her hands and proceed to say that  “it is the day where we think about all the things we are thankful for”. Then she continued with the Pilgrim and Indian story and how they wanted to have their own religion. She knew all the details prompted by JAG to include all the correct names. Me? Well I was kind of stuck in the middle with my mouth open.

After I spent some time trying to determine if they just teach more these days or if I didn’t retain anything from elementary school we moved onto our thankful list. Each of us got one piece of paper to write our list, compare and create our tree. Shelby was oh so proud that she schooled us in the Thankful department. Here twenty one items more than doubled what I had – not that I am not thankful, but I was also working on the tree.  Shelby’s list was very original. She had the expected mom and dads – yeap dads. Shelby also had things that I thought were so adorable here are a few.

She had “ancient stuff.” She explains this as “all the stuff we got from Meme,” so she mean antiques.

She had Cypress which is where JAG’s parents live and where we will be spending Christmas.

It was a good night, good times with my family.

Go check out other Writers. They will be up on Thursday.

I Cry – I Don’t Think There is a Normal.

Yesterday was All Saints Day. I am sorry to say that I do not know all the details of this day and the meaning in the Lutheran Church, but I am learning. I didn’t even know it was a day/service until JAG quickly told me as we walked into church. He had forgotten that the pastor made sure to tell him – you will see why. All I have to say is Pastor if you are reading this we really need to get boxes of Kleenexes in the sanctuary next year. Especially in the back left (my left, your right) you know where I am every Sunday.

When JAG pulled me aside and told me I didn’t think too much of it – I was sure I could handle it – it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Let me stop because I know there are a few of you that are just completely lost right now. Since I introduced you to JAG I have kept a story to myself mainly because it was not my story to tell, but the realization is that it is has now become a part of my story. I am just going to type and see what the Lord gives me to share with you today.

I am JAG’s second wife. I have dealt with dating (and even marrying) a divorced man. In many ways divorce is so much easier then what JAG had for me. His first wife, his first love, the one he would have never divorced passed away from cancer.

I think I knew more about her then I did him when I decide to meet JAG in person (we met online incase you hadn’t heard).  I swear I have typed and deleted about a dozen sentences so far in the paragraph. Lets just say I was a very cautious girl and did my homework which lead me to meet JAG’s first wife via obituaries and blog posts by JAGdad before I met JAG. This helped me, it helped me to have a face. Looking back, I think it help me with the bond I feel to her.

Even though looking back on our time together so far things have never gotten bad enough for me to run, it hasn’t always been easy. Since the beginning I believed we were put together at this exact time for a reason. When we met my father was just diagnosed with cancer and I was about to face the 1 year anniversary of James’ death. We understood each other. We both faced cancer with a loved one and we both lost someone who was close to us too soon.

To be honest with you – it has been hard. Harder then I could ever imagine, but at the same thing I would not change a thing. I struggle with loving someone so much who was in love me, but still so in love with her. That is understandable – I read articles on it in the beginning. I was very careful not to rush him I just sat back and let him lead. Her death was not sudden and if there is one thing that she did well was prepare. She prepared ever detail – she knew who would get what piece of jewelry, she knew the scriptures she wanted during her memorial service – she made lists galore. She also had a long talk with her husband – wait that is their story. I want to be very careful when giving this to you that I do not try to tell a story that does not belong to me.

Besides knowing that he loved someone still so much my other struggle is the knowing that all this awesomeness I am in now would not be if is wasn’t for her death. I think that gets me more than anything. It’s not guilt, it’s sadness. You know how I feel about grief. I am also a healer so if it were up to me she would be here right now and there would be no pain in her family or in his. Again, I have to think – things happen for a reason. Urgh…I am rambling aren’t I?

Let’s just say there are books about there, but they do not do any good because I don’t believe there is a right way – or a wrong way – to date, fall in love and marry a widower. I am kind of making it up as I go.

With that said I didn’t think that All Saints Sunday would affect me, but man I was so wrong! I opened up that bulletin and saw her name. I realized then that this would not be just a brief mention – I started bighting the inside of my mouth trying to fight back the tears, but it didn’t help. I felt it in my throat – the starting of my balling – full out balling. New purse equals no Klennexs. I looked around the pew – nothing. I jumped up and walked as fast as I could to the nearest bathroom. I pulled at least half of the box out – sorry I will bring a new box on Sunday – and proceeded to have a little out loud sobbing before going back in. My hope was it would be over by the time I got back. Of course that didn’t happen – someone upstairs thought I needed to face this. I am sure all you could hear during the moment of silence was my crying and Shelby asking “why is she crying?” over and over again. I regained composer after a few minutes, then turned to JAG and said “I am glad it is get a shot of wine Sunday. I so need it.” – I hope that doesn’t offend anything we really needed some comic relief at that moment. I think I cried enough for the both of us because JAG sat there as manly as ever – you could tell he cried on the inside, but you never saw a tear.

After service a younger woman that have I started to get to know came over. She had good intentions, but her statements are what led me to type this blog. She asked why I was crying and if I lost someone recently. I just looked at JAG because this was JAG’s church since he was a child – you have to have been sleeping through every service if you didn’t know the loss that JAG went through. She knew, but she just couldn’t grasp how it would affect me. She reassured me again and again how I was part of the church family now. Urgh how to do I say this with out sounding tacky – she had the best of intentions and I feel blessed that someone was concerned for my crying, but I think most people around me knew why I was crying. This is where I make it up as I go – I am not sure if it normal or not, but I cry about JAG’s first wife. I mourn for her. I feel like I have grown so close to her as well so when Pastor said her name it didn’t feel like he was saying my now husband’s first wife’s name, but that he was saying the name of one of my dearest friends. Many pictures of her still sit through out our home and she will remain there. If God gives us children, then they will know. Those are JAG’s memories and I will preserve them as long as he wants me to.

Again, it hasn’t been easy, I wish things were different, but I am so blessed to be the one going through this with him.

Sorry that I did not include a name. I mean you don’t even get JAG’s name, so I definitely wasn’t going to include her name. She is in this blog – there is a blog with a picture of her – I snuck it in.

I want to leave you with something pretty. While typing this I listened to Mindy Gledhill. This is one of my favorites for you.

Dealing...

A year ago if you were to have asked me if I would have problems with my x-husband possibly getting remarried I would say “Hell No! I could careless.” And I still don’t care in a way that I want him back, but I just wish that he would have been the person he portraying today two years ago.

I seriously don’t know what his type is anymore. I am the second wife. Gweedo's first wife Mibby from what I heard was controlling and mean. She was always in his face. Their relationship ended with her punching him in the face. Mibby is a school teacher. She continued her education and worked with GT students which Gweedo like to brag about. Mibby had slight obsessive compulsive disorder and her house was always super neat. When they built the house that I would wind up living in their relationship felt the strain. A few years after they divorced. What got me the most about Gweedo’s relationship with Mibby is one he started dating me right after she left the house and we dated through their divorce. Secondly, when she found out we were getting married she sent me multiple hurtful emails that he said I was not allowed to respond to. Looking back I shouldn’t have listened. I don’t think he defended me at all.

I was told from his family that I was a refreshing change compared to Mibby. I way also quite a bit younger, since Mibby was old then Gweedo. I was social and didn’t fight with him in front of his family. Gweedo claimed over and over how much happier he was with his second marriage.

Months after I left Gweedo (about 2 months) he moved onto his next rebound, oh I mean girlfriend, Mill. Oh Lord, Mill and I are like night and day. She is conservative to the extreme. She is barely 28 years old (which is almost 10 years younger then Gweedo).  I am not going to slam Mill because she is not my issue. My x-husband’s new personality is my issue. He went from a man who hated church to a man who not only attends church, but also after church functions. He went from a man who only dealt with Shelby by screaming at her to now being portrayed as a “super dad.” I am not sure what it is.

I just realized something very odd. When I was married to Gweedo he demonstrated a lot of characteristics found in Mibby. He was controlling and loved to fight with me. He showed many OCD characteristics that Mibby did. Now in his relationship with the new girl, Mill, he is showing a lot of my characteristics. He resembles a lot of things that he couldn’t stand two years ago. I mean the man went and saw Twilight and he has read 5 Love Languages – That is not the man I know.

So I am dealing. I am in no way pining over my x-husband. I really would never ever want to re-live the hell of that relationship. I am sure eventually that his true side will show through. Until then I will continue with my life and I will probably continue after then too.