I Did Something Stupid

Can you say that about something you really felt passionate about at the time? Is it really stupid or just another lesson learned?

I picked a scab from a scar that still has not fully healed. I attempted to go back, re-open a chapter and start again.

Are you tired of me leading you on?

If you remember a few years ago I posted about closing a chapter with my once best friend, Sara. You can read it here.

Well, urgh, I attempted (again) to repair our relationship. I sent a long email explaining where I had been and where I am now and kind of selling myself to her.

Now over a week later –no response, no repair, nothing. I think I got all caught up in the what ifs, the what was and the what it should have been. I got lost in the daydream of my new baby playing with her new daughter. Dinner parties and girl’s nights filled my head and I couldn’t think of anything else.

You, know, it’s kind of more that that. A few months ago one of my favorite people, Kelle Hampton, wrote a wonderful entry about the Net – you can read it here. Net is what Kelle calls her group of friends because they were always there to catch her when she fell. That entry, long before the hormones were full blast, had me in tears.

You see at one point in my life I believe I had a Net. I had a tight group of girl friends that were together for everything –that stood by each other and supported each other. I would have never imagined losing my Net.

I will not going into a bitter rampage of how I lost four close girlfriends when Sara and I broke-up – oh I am trying my hardest to not hold bitter feelings. I blame no one – I think things just happen. I needed my net – actually I needed my best friend, but that wasn’t going to happen.

I feel stupid because I keep trying to mend something that I don’t think could ever be mended. Not because her feelings got hurt because, as I said Friday, I did everything that people didn’t want me to do. I am not sure I could never fully mend my Net – I fell and no one was there to catch me. Again, I am really trying to build a bridge (as someone close to me always said) and get over it. Think that the unanswered email helped.

It is so hard, which I am sure you can understand to end 20+ years of friendship in one phone call in the middle of my “I am leaving my husband” melt down. Agree with my choices or not at that moment I needed someone to say “you know I love you and even though I don’t agree at all with what you are doing I want to talk you through this.”

That was three years ago and life goes on. I will go on. I have a pretty strong net of friends and family – I know if I fall I will be caught and supported. I just feel stupid for trying, again.

For Holly: I know that you and I probably would still be as close if you had not have moved. Incase you are reading this I want to make sure you know that I have no hard feelings towards you what so ever. I am actually to the point where I have no hard feelings towards anyone.