2019 - Being Present

While 2018 was a year where I really tuned into why I do the things I do, it really brought to light many instances where my coping was creeping into unhealthy grounds. When I walk into a stressful season, either being overwhelmed by my workload or feeling the pressure of expectations that I place on myself, my first instinct is to organize.

If my house wasn’t such a mess then I could feel more in control, but I don’t have time to steam clean my tile floor because, well, I need to plan out the next month of work. I can’t sit and write this email for work because all I am thinking about is the dog hair that is accumulating near my baseboards.

I can’t have coffee with her because I am so overwhelmed with my life. If I miss two hours of work to have lunch with her then I will need to work until 10 pm tonight because, well, I really have to get all this stuff done and it’s not getting done.

If I just run and get the girls from school then they can play Mario Cart while I finish work, then I guess we are having sandwiches for dinner maybe lunchables. I really need to spend time cleaning and organizing to help with this overwhelmed feeling instead of going out with my husband.

Ugh, everyone wants something from me!


The last sentence holds the most truth than any of the others. God showed me this at 3 am while I was up borrowing troubles from tomorrow (something that is so typical of me) in the middle of last month.

Yes, everyone wants something from me. They want me to be present.

PRESENT

/ˈprez(ə)nt/
adjective
1. (of a person) in a particular place.
2. existing or occurring now.


My family, my friends, my Lord doesn’t care about that state of my laundry or that my linen closet door won’t shut. They don’t even care if I am scattered and can’t put two sentences together they just want me to be there. They love me for me, but they want ME!


So, in 2019 I am committing to Being Present.

This will take some organizing and scheduling, but in a good way.

Rabbit Hole: If you are an enneagram freak like I am then you have to follow enneagram & Coffee on Instagram. She (or he, but I am thinking she) posted New Year's Resolutions based on enneagram type. Mine was Create Daily Structure. Now if that is not true and I don’t know what is, I embody everything about being a type 4 (with a 3 wing)


So, what does being present look like for me?


Being Present for My Husband

Being present for Matt means that we take more walks. We have more talks sitting close to each other on the sofa a night. It means having weekly meetings to discuss how we can support each other. We make date night a priority and, if we have to, make out every once in a while.

In order for these things to happen, we have to turn off the computers, put down our phones and step away from the video games. We have to leave the workday behind and not get caught in gripe sessions about our employment.


Being Present for My Girls

Being present for Shelby, Bekah and Morgan means that we play more games (that don’t require a screen). We have more dinners at the kitchen table. It means we read more books together and we say prayers with each other before bed each night. It means that I actively engage in sight word practicing and help Morgan understand that she can’t capitalize every other letter of her name even though it’s super fancy. It’s sitting on Shelby’s bed having conversations about her life, it’s getting the Tea! It means planning what her next year will look like, what her plans after high school will be. It means that I will spend Saturday mornings watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (even if I haven’t finished the book) with Bekah.

In order for these things to happen, I have to commit to a strict work schedule. When the girls are in our house (before 9 am and after 4 pm Monday thru Friday) then I am not at my desk, I am not in scheduled meetings and I am not taking phone calls. If something needs to be handled I will address it after the girls are in bed. I have to break ties with my iphone. That little time sucker will be docked upstairs on my charger and if someone calls my handy dandy watch will let me know. I don’t need to be tempted to check my email or get lost in Instagram Stories. These changes bring changes for my girls as well, they will have to endure the trauma of their screen time being limited. Yep, no more “Can I get on the ipad?” as soon as their backpacks hit the entryway floor.

Time is an evil, evil thing that takes you from having young children to an adult and two teenagers before you can scream, “Slow DOWN!”


Being Present for My Friends.

Being present for my friends means that I say yes more times than I say no to offers for lunch or coffee. It means that I am actually doing the asking for once, initiating the playdate, saying let’s meet. It means that our conversations are more about them, their lives, their struggles and less about me unloading my current drama onto them. It means that Matt and I host more dinners in our home, that we re-engage in a bible community. It means that I cultivate new friendships and nourish my current ones.

In order for these things to happen, I have to believe that the people God has put into my life, my tribe that he’s blessed me with are far more important than my work. These are individuals that have walked with me through my lows and have celebrated the hell out of my highs. I have to let people in (but not for just the drama), I have to allow new friendships to grow and not use “busy” as an excuse.


Being Present with the Lord

No disrespect intended by putting the Lord fourth, but it’s quite apropos seeing as how being present with Him means that I put him first. It means that I start each day with time in prayer. It means that I open my bible and actually read the words. It means that I seek out opportunities to have conversations about my faith and that I express my faith. Without sounding so cliche it mean that I let His light shine through each of my days. I participate in conversations about faith with my children.

In order for these things to happen, I have to spend time in the silence that only happens before my house wakes up. Yep, I need get out of my nice warm bed earlier each day. I have to avoid getting trapped on social media first thing each morning. I pretty much need to form some new habits.


Being Present for Myself

Being present for myself means I do more of what I am doing right now, writing. It doesn’t mean I will finish the manuscript in 2019, but it does mean that I will process my feeling through my writing instead of allowing them to churn inside of me. It means that I will try my best to give myself grace, to speak kindly to myself and attempt to see myself as others see me. It means that I will take the five minutes each night to remove my makeup and wash my face. It means that I will practice healthy stress management, that I will hear positive things about myself louder than the negatives. It means that I will take measures to not be awake at 3 am. It means that I will allow myself the structure of a good plan (I even have a new planner!), but I will take some deep breaths when that plan doesn’t fall into place exactly like I hoped. It means that if I blow all of my goals by February that I will still love myself and see myself as God see me - not a hot mess, but his amazing child.

Four Questions

As I have said before I do not set resolutions in the New Year and there is a 90% that any personal goals set for me will not be met. I was given a pre-release copy of Jon Acuff’s new book, Finish and had big hopes to improve my percentage, but, well, I never finished Finish. This is my life! 

This year questions came to mind instead of goals. This year I have four questions that I want to answer. Pretty doable, right?

One: Where do I come from? 

Ah, the continuation of my family research that has been sparked again by watching Coco in the beginning of December. I want to know who my ancestors were. What are their stories? What do future generations need to know? How can preserve the legacies from past generations?

Two: What is wrong with me?

Probably not a “mom approved” question to ask myself, but I am not seeing it as a search for the many imperfections of my life. I have, somewhat silently, struggled with some health issues this past year. And,  honestly, transparently, I am avoiding finding the answer for one ailment because I really, really, don’t want to change some habits or some coping in my life. I honestly don’t want the searching for answers to prevent or stop the treatment of my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). That subject brings so much fear, seriously, more fear than not determining what is wrong with a part of my body. Yes, I am aware of the stupidity in that statement and I hear your mother voices as you tell me that I really, really need to see someone about this, but I am also painfully aware of my life when my condition is untreated. 

Which leads me to the thought that I REALLY REALLY (I am aware that “really, really” is my go-to phrase for this post) want to be an expert on my condition. ADD effects so much of life. I want to know why and how I can do more to not be dependent on medication to get through what should be simple tasks. 

While we are on the topic of expert knowledge, I want to also be at an expert knowledge level about Alzheimer’s. You know the disease that runs so rampant in my family that it should be called, “He who should not be named”. Sorry, Harry Potter has been a big topic in our house since Matt has been re-reading and I have been reading the series since Thanksgiving. 

I can state the statistics of Alzheimer’s up one side and down the other, but I need to know the facts, I need to know the studies, I need to know what “they” believe I should do. Should I eat kale? Should I run? Should I meditate?  I don’t know what God has planned for my life and I don’t know if Alzheimer’s is part of his plan.  

And that statement leads me straight to question number three. 

Three: Why do I believe in Jesus?

And honestly, what do I believe about God? Do I believe God gives people Alzheimer’s? I want to live with a faith that is really truly faith and not just hope. 

I don’t feel as distant as I did before my healing process started over two years ago, but I am much more disconnected as I have been since. That disconnect has a ripple effect, you can see it in my husband, you can see it in my children and you can see it in my ability to write and create. 

Which brings me to asks, 

Four: How am I using my talents?

One thing I know for sure is my ability to share through the written word is  God-given. It’s a talent that has been here since I was very little. Besides English 101 at the community college in the Fall of ’96, I have not been trained in this skill. Honestly, I probably could use a good course in grammar. 

But where are my talents being used (or wasted)? 

If I had to pick one of those life focusing words for 2018 it would be “purpose”. How is this fulfilling my purpose? How is this helping my purpose? How is this keeping me from my purpose?

Shelby just walked in while I was writing this (in my journal), talked a bit and then said, “Okay, get back to your Jesus work.”

Yep, that’s what I need to do, get back to MY Jesus work. Remember to not neglect the purpose He has given my life, then plans He has for my talents. 

I love questions. I love digging deeper, hypothesizing what could be. Again, grammar. I am not sure if I am even using that word correctly, but, eh, it works for me. 

I am not sure what form this will take, I have no plans for question focused weekly blog entries because seriously my crazy mind would see that as a goal and you wouldn’t hear from me again until 2019. 

As always, I welcome your prayers as I walk through through these questions. And, I guess, I even welcome your motherly (or fatherly) lecturing about my health - bring it! (nicely, of course). 

Yes! I am Avoiding You, 2016!

Yes, 2016 I am ignoring you! I am hoping to wake-up and you’ll be gone because I wasn’t done with last year yet. I am quite sure I didn’t complete even half of my 2015 goals and there are still 6 books in my 2015 books to read stack. I am turning 39 in 2016, 39!!!! Wasn’t I just 29? There are many days where I stop and go, wait? I graduated from high school how many years ago? No, way…I thought it was just 10 years ago, how in the world have I been out of high school for 20 years?!?! 

I can’t handle it! Morgan will be three in like two months! And the other day we talked about Shelby being 15 in September (I know we have some time, but really?)! 

I’ve let myself slip into a bit of New Year funk lately between my dread of goal setting (but desperate need to) and the weather in Houston. It’s 8 pm on the 7th day of January and it’s 58 outside Today’s high was 68. I miss seasons.  I planned on goal setting and writing all of this on Tuesday, but then I spent most of the morning counseling myself through the fact that it is okay for me to block people on Facebook - I am allowed to do that, it’s my prerogative.  The world will not stop spinning if I block someone. 

So, I am sure that my plans for 2016 will evolve as they did for 2015, but here is kind of what I am thinking. 

I envision an amalgam (big word - that spell check corrected for me - don’t ask how I was spelling it). When I ask, “who do I want to be in 2016?” My answer is always, “a mixture of pieces of myself from years past”.

I want to maintain the openness and transparency I achieved in 2015. 

I want to recapture the creativity I had in 2013. 

I want to read and study as much as I did in 2011. 

I want to be as creative with my wardrobe was I was in 2010. 

I want the body I had in 1998 - too much to ask?

I want to thrive in my blogging community as I did in 2010. 

I want to be intertwined with like mined, creative women as I was in 2013. 

2013 was just a good year. It was my first year as a stay at home mom, I opened DanaRae Designs (which will relaunch this year) and I was just so tuned in everywhere. 

I want to touch the earth, break it in my hand, grow something wild and unruly. 

I want to sleep on the hard ground, the comfort of your arms, with a pillow of bluebonnets and blanket made of stars.

Ha! Sorry, it was all the “I want”s coupled with 1998 and the fact that Shelby now listens to the Dixie Chicks - I just couldn’t help myself. 

So, that’s what I have so far for 2016. All of this is a bit broad for goal-setting, so I need to sit, reflect and elaborate. Stay tuned, I’ll get in gear soon. At least all my christmas trees are down and I spent most of the morning sweeping up fake pine needles - I am sure I will still be finding them in June. (My Christmas trees are 20 years old, too…how did that happen? Oh how I miss 1996).