How is Grieving Going, You Ask?

It’s funny. No, scratch that. It’s not funny.

It’s frustrating how the purchase of utensils can throw me into grief. How mere hours after buying a set of simple forks and spoons can trigger my brain to play out the events of the last week of his life in my head. 

I’m driven to tears thinking about the conversation we would have had tomorrow when I called his house to excitingly tell him all about my purchase.

Guess what I bought? New utensils - like forks a spoons. 

Ahh, what brand did you get?

Oneida! 

Oh, that’s good. That’s a good brand. So, much better than those cheap {beep} ones you had before. 

Though I’ve had nothing, but Oneida flatware for at least 10 years.

He would be proud that I picked a set with the perfect weight. The weight of silverware was very important to him and something he taught me to appreciate. 

Our conversation would lead him to ponder if my parents needed new silverware as well and he’d spend the afternoon on Amazon searching for a set even better than mine. 

How is the grieving process going?

My inner child is screaming, Please make it stop! Please, bring him back! I would do anything to have this discussion with him. I don’t know how to do this life. I am scared. I am sad. 

Purchasing a new washing machine had me in bed for days feeling like my heart had been ripped out all over again. If I had any clue that silverware would send me to the same place then I would have just dealt with the fact that our service of eight had turned into three forks and about four spoons (they are like socks, they just go missing in my house). But as I stood in my kitchen unwrapping each of my new twelve forks, I felt the knot in my throat. 

I hear those of you saying that it’s not going to be this way forever and it get better. And I am sure that one day the smell of pipe tobacco will not lead me to blubbering mess. But right now, today, I wish I could punch the person who had the idea of taking my father from me this soon. I would clobber them square in the face over and over again. 

So a bought silverware tonight. They are a matte silver which he’d probably hate and he’d would complain that the spoons are too shallow, but I wouldn’t care.