10 Years

10 years.

It's hard because my life has changed so much in 10 years. I am no longer lost in shame, self-medicating with Jack Daniels. I am older, wiser and I have quite a few more grey hairs {and lbs - just be honest}.

Yet, I can still remember our last phone call. He was walking across campus and I was cleaning my kitchen. If I think long enough, I still hear his voice. Life was so good at that moment, he was healthy, he was well, he laughed {and loved to make me stress out and then laugh when I worried about him}.

I think back fondly of the impact we had on each others' lives, especially during that last year.  James was my go-to for all questions about the way guys acted. He was always the first to say, "You deserve better". And I was his safe voice {or text} when the nights were hard. Oh, how I wish we would have discovered this in each other 15 years earlier - we would have had a powerhouse friendship and so much less teenage angst. Actually, from what I recall we both always had a level of utmost respect for each other - a characteristic present for most friends whose older siblings were close friends with my older sister. In James' case, it was multiplied by the heartache that rippled across our friend group when George (his brother) passed so young.

So Young.

I still have gut stabbing grief if I sit too long in the reality of the events that occurred ten years ago today. I drift into the what could have been for James and I mourn the life he could have today. I question God's plan and ask, in anger, why He had to bring us together that last year.

Then I exhale and remember how thankful I am for those moments - those phone calls across miles of land and water.

Ten years doesn't make the reality less. It still leaves me wishing for another course of events for James on that night. It leaves me in tears because I know this was a terrible, terrible mistake that he would take back in a mere second. And I am reminded of his heart, the size and depth of his personality and how I loved that all so much. And I thank God, again, for James' life and Gods' plan to intertwine our paths for goodness.

Click Here to Read All the Posts I've Written about James {10 years worth}