Today I Cry

I woke this morning with a blinding painful headache and my husband was there to help make sure it wasn’t my blood pressure.  He brought me more medicine to help elevate the pain. It’s Wednesday, but I’ve already been difficult to love this week. I had a pretty manic meltdown Monday night and the devil was attacking my royally yesterday morning, but my husband has been amazing.  So when I woke up at 3 am this morning in horrible pain I thought, “not today, today I need to be strong, today is the day we (or at least I) cry.” 

When I met Matt and we began dating I had no clue how much I would personally morn over the loss of his first wife.  My therapist has said countless times that I should not use “crazy” to describe my actions, but I think that it’s seriously crazy that I cry more eight years after Nicole’s passing then my husband does - not that he does not still morn - he just doesn’t cry. And, well, I am good at crying. 

I am telling you never in a millions years did I think I would morn Nicole like she was my dearest friend, but my goodness I mourn her.  I fight the guilt that I am here because someone is not.  In some ways I morn as I do for James in that I am saddened by the “what could have been”.  There have been many events over this last year that have made the “what could have been” sadness stronger. 

Our the first year of being married after Nicole’s passing I was blindsided by what grief looked like from my husband. Honestly, I was angry and jealous, being newlyweds I was frustrated that he was not more present with our family.  I was shocked at how badly he disconnected.  Since that first year, I always prepare myself for what is to come the week after Thanksgiving.  I have been known to ask for prayer for my husband stating, “because I lose him from now until after Christmas.”  Matt’s grief has ebbed and flowed as the years have passed - some years seem harder than others, but it’s not his sadness that makes me cry. Well, it’s not always his sadness.  

If you know me and we have discussed Nicole, at all, you know that I seriously cannot talk about her without crying.  This past year I spent hours in conversation - good raw conversation - with another woman. I shared my story and talked through fears I faced without shedding a tear. And it was until we ended our conversation that my mother-in-law said, “You know Deb’s husband is the pastor of Nicole’s parent’s church.”  I ugly cried all over that poor woman because I knew that she had a glimpse into Nicole and her family.  She actually knew about me before we had met, she knew all about my littles and about Matt.  I never imagined feeling the love that we receive from Nicole’s parents.  My sadness is for them as well. 

As I am writing this I feel like I need to gain the attitude that I have with thoughts of James’ passing: celebrate the time I had with him, the memories of his life in a positive way.  Live in thanksgiving for the blessing of his life on mine. 

Nicole gave Matt specific directions when knowing of her passing. I am telling you the woman was organized - I woman after my own heart with lists of things he needed to do, gifts he needed to pass to her friends and family and letters she wrote to her dear husband (y’all know I am balling right now).  She told Matt that he was to take care of the schnauzers (Gus & Moby) which he did until their passing, lose weight (he was a little fluffier then) and get remarried.  

From those directions I feel like I can honor her by loving my husband well especially during this time of year, not taking for granted an ounce of time together and living our life fully.  At this moment in my headache induced loopiness that seems a bit of a big ask, but it’s the least I can do to honor Nicole. 

So today I cry (I might cry tomorrow, or next Tuesday, too), my therapist would approve.  She would probably say, “crying is normal, you are normal”. Today I cry because sometimes life just sucks.  It just does and we really have no real explanation why we are to walk through these hard things in life, we just have to trust God’s plan…even when it sucks. 

You must forgive me I just love this card by Emily McDowell and it’s so perfect for this.  

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and this one too. 

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Last year I wrote this post for Matt: http://www.danaraeblog.com/2016/11/my-dear-husband.html

Have to say, though, a good cry has made my headache go away! Yes, a positive spot on the day!!!!

My Story: The Only Boy that Could Ever Reach Me

The Only Boy Could Ever Reach Me was the Son of a Preacher Man. 

If you know the song, then it’s probably stuck in your head. You are very welcome. 

Almost six years ago when I started to communicate with a recent widower through eHarmony, I never imagined that we would actually hit it off. I mean he was a pastor’s son and I was, well, broken. Very, very broken. Most of the year before was a blur of horrible pain numbed by alcohol and self abuse. As Matt replied to questions with the most studious essay length answers I knew for sure that he was out of my league. When he asked if I believed in God I quickly went into my testimony (as any good Assembly of God girl does) or at least the abridged version of my testimony (because my true testimony was still hidden by years of shame). Surprisingly to me (and to much humor now), he stopped me and said “we don’t need to get into all of that, I just needed to know that you believe.” I think in that moment that Matt was thinking the same thing I was, how far can an internet dating site relationship actually go?

On a Thursday night, as I sat in the corner of our local Starbucks (because we lived like five minutes from each other) and watched him search through the crowd for me, I never imagined that we wouldn’t be able to stop talking to each other.  That night our “safe coffee date” led to dinner around the corner at one of his favorite places. We were both taken back by how comfortable it was, how it felt like we’d known each other for years. 

I never imagined that I could open my heart to someone, again. In the years before meeting Matt a hard shell formed around my heart, I went into possible relationships with very little hope of finding the love that would last me forever. But there was something different with Matt. I wasn’t sure if it was the 29 dimensions of compatibility (that eHarmony claims to use) or the long talk I had with God the week before where I gave it all up to Him and said, “Lord, your will be done.” 

There was no hesitation, I felt God in every step we took and looking back now I can see God’s timing. 

First off, I was ready. If I had met Matt at any time before that week I would not have been interested. I mean he really only met two of my requirements, he was un-married and he was a man. He had no tattoos, no facial hair (at the time) and didn’t drive a truck. I am telling you my requirements for a husband were set pretty high. Matt just oozed intelligence and owned (and had read) more books then I could ever imagine one person could. I, on the other hand, learned more from life then from the pages of books owning maybe six at the time we had met (it’s a different story today). And really, Matt was just the quintessential “good guy”. Good guys and I didn’t normally mix - I was a self proclaimed bum magnet from a very early age. I lived to fix the broken. 

Matt was broken, but in a far different way then I had ever experienced. God, being God, had already given me the tools and experiences to prepare me for Matt’s brokenness (or at least the parts of it that were exposed while dating).  Losing one of my very best friends, James, the year before helped me to understand the heart wrenching feelings of grief. We both knew what it felt like when someone tried to help by saying, “Everything will be okay” after our loved one passed. As Matt said to me one day while I sat anxiously waiting for news about how extensive my father’s cancer was, “Everything may not be okay, but you will be okay.” Life after losing someone you love is never okay, but he and I both know that though the pain still exists you survive. Through Matt’s journey he was able to support and help me to understand my father’s cancer treatment. He didn’t bat an eye meeting my father for the first time even though my father was at his sickest. Matt was not taken back at all by frailty we saw in my father that day or how my father’s appearance seemed to have aged twenty years from the pictures he had seen. Matt held me through the tears and rejoiced with positive results of my father’s treatment. 

I never imagined that after five short months of knowing each other he would ask me to marry him. As we drove back from a week in Houston, meeting his parents and spending time with my family at MD Anderson, our conversation was full of “if’s”. If we are together next year, If we come back here together, If we ever… Then Matt said, knowing as well as I did that God had a plan for us, “Let’s get if insurance. You know to insure that all of our ‘if’s’ will come true.” A few weeks later he held out a ring and ask me to marry him while  Johnny Cash’s Would You Lay with Me (in a field of stone) played in the background. The song that was once banned from country music radio for being too suggestive is actually a love song about being together for the long haul…would you lay with me in a field of stone, would you walk a mile through burning sand, would you wipe the blood from my dying hand - it’s a “till death do we part” song. With giggle I’ll say it freaked Shelby out as she also stood in the room, she could not grasp the lyrics at all and still to this day calls it “the death song.” 

Today, the rings that rest on the third finger of my left hand have such a different meaning than they did five years ago. You see, I never really felt the permanence of marriage before joining in union with Matt that perfect fall night on the green grass of a country club. Looking back, I know without a shadow of a doubt that that night God said, “My dear child I am going to prove to you how much I love you and this man is part of that proof.” I’ve never been loved like my husband loves me. I’ve never seen Jesus’ love shine so distinctly through another man. I never in all my life thought I could spill my brokenness, every single piece of it, out on another human and not get one single, “you did what? how could you have?”. I am telling you, everything single time Matt has matched with my broken parts with an “I still love you” and sometimes a “I love you even more.” Never, never have I received such unconditional love from someone (who was not my mother - of course) (because I know she’s reading this saying, “hey, I love you too”). 

All of our days are not perfect and we’ve probably done a few that’s that were not “right," but I want you to know that the one thing we did do is build this relationship on a strong foundation. From day one God has been at the center of our relationship. I am giving every piece of this to Him, to Him be the glory. 

I never imagined I would be here, I never imagined I would get to feel love like what I have today. I never imagined that I would have three beautiful daughters, two added in our five short years together. I’ve never imagined, but God has always known. He knew these plans at my lowest, when I could not see myself living into my twenties, He knew. I am so overwhelming thankful for His grace, for the restoration I’ve received and for the blessing I received five years ago. 

My Story: 15 Years Ago

April 8, 2000

Only a handful of people know about this day 15 years ago. It’s been so long and only lasted a short time, so it really isn’t something that comes up too often in conversation. 

And to be honest saying “I’ve been married three times” is hard! I’ve sat silently through many conversation as people have said, “well she’s (or he’s) been married like three times, so there you go” like that number is an indication of how messed up the person is. I am quite sure that that reference has been made about me before as well.  I get it, I do. I understand the stigma of divorce no matter how many times it has happened, but without defending my actions (too much) let me tell you how I ended up divorced at the age of 22. 

I met my first husband in high school. For the purposes of this blog we will call him Jay. We dated on and off  during my senior year. He took me to prom and even though we were not together at the time we did pose for a really good graduation picture together (I’m sure I have it somewhere). After graduation, we went our separate ways for a bit. A bit meaning a few months (maybe 6) and then we got back together. 

We first got engaged when I was 20. I still remember at that time people questioning our relationship. Unlike, my second marriage (which I will get to eventually) the cracks in our relationship were very visible to people around us. Jay had a serious drinking problem at a young age which was some what hereditary in his case. And to be honest we really were from two different places and did not mesh. (I laugh because Matt and I are from two WAY different places as well, but there is a common core in our relationship)

I am not sure exactly when our first engagement ended, but I do know when our second one started. (that was probably a sign that I ignored) My friend was getting married and I took Jay to the wedding with me. It was the season in my life when just about all my friends were getting married. Looking back now I am not sure why everyone got married so young (like 21 or 22). I know at the time we felt old, but really we were so young…really young. 

Urgh, I fell into the “wedding trap.” I didn’t really want a marriage, I just wanted a wedding. I wanted a big white dress and a party. He was there and I thought he would be a good fit, so Jay and I got engaged again. He should have know (I should have know) when I insisted on a new ring because I needed it to be closer to what my girl friends had and not the small ring I had before. Oh man, I really don’t like typing this - I was not a good person then. 

So, we got engaged, had the portrait made (because you have to announce the engagement in the local paper, right) and started full scale wedding planning. Along with wedding planning I planned out how I would change Jay into the perfect husband. 

I just knew that once we said “I do” something miraculous would happen and he would change him into the “perfect guy” for me. 

We decided to marry in the Presbyterian church downtown and in order to do that I had to be baptized. So, if anything good came out of this, I was baptized on July 4th at the age of 21. Years later my oldest daughter would also be baptized on July 4th. 

We began pre-marriage counseling at the church. Let me tell you at the time my life was not very faith centered, at all. Jay and I were living together and had no plans to change that. We attended the Presbyterian church because that is where we wanted to get married, but really I was so off my walk with God I can’t remember a single Sunday morning sermon. I was just punching my card so I could have the venue I wanted. Again, it’s not easy to type. 

And even though I was off my path this was the first time that I heard the term “equally yoked” or in our case “unequally yoked”. I think even in my early 20s I had the “playing everything off as perfect” (which I will get into more later) down pat. I had people convinced that my faith was stronger than his and I was given all the information about how that would be a struggle in our relationship - this is mind boggling to me as I type this. I was told that, but the entire time I was the one manipulating the entire relationship. 

During pre-martial counseling it came out that Jay’s drinking was a huge strain on our relationship. I have no plans with this blog to run Jay’s name (or fake name) through the gutter, but I want you to know a big sign that God gave me over and over again. I spent countless nights locked in my bathroom. Jay was never physically abusive - at all, but his drinking brought huge emotions. Emotions that I could not handle and the only way to escape them was to lock myself away for the night so he could sleep it off. Wouldn’t that kind of signal “this may not be the best relationship” for you? It did to me too, but I had to have that wedding so I kept pushing on. 

The sad part about this is that Jay’s drinking increased because of the pressure I put on him to be different. He confessed at one point that my friends made him so self conscious that the only thing he could do was drink until he was comfortable. Unfortunately, comfortable was almost a twelve pack - a kid you not. 

One Sunday I attended service alone and when the pastor asked how things were going I became unglued and broke down in tears at the back of the sanctuary. I confessed I was tired, I had sleep on the bath rug again and I just didn’t know what I was going to do. Her (yes a female pastor) solution was - do not get married. My thought then as a 22 year old was “What? How dare you!” My thought now at 37 is she was very wise and that was a good plan, but you can’t go back and change the past. 

Pretty much she refused to marry us, but said we could still get married at the church, so I brought in our family Pastor who married my cousin, was with my grandfather when he passed away and would eventually be with us during my Meme’s funeral. Needless to say, I did not share a single peep about the drinking and our issues with him. To him we were a perfect couple, high school sweethearts in fact. 

This is where I need to mention that my parents were not 100% on board with this marriage either, but I think they had a “keep the peace” mentality and never “forbid” me from getting married. The stressed caused my mother to have Bell’s Palsy (may want to google that) the week of my wedding. Unlike my parents, I kept my Meme completely in the dark - she believed all was perfect and gave her seal of approval. 

So, April 8th rolled around. The white dress had been purchased and everything was perfect, except me. I remember after my attendants left the bridal room, I stood, staring in the mirror hoping someone would stop this. I wanted someone to say “this can’t happen.” I prayed for something to happen to postpone the wedding or that someone would object when that time came. I did not want to do this, but I was committed. And at the time I felt I couldn’t break Jay’s heart. You see, he was madly in love with me while my love was lukewarm. 

Oh man, I should not have walked down that aisle, but I pulled myself up by the boot straps (my mom’s favorite saying), put on a smile and said “I do”. I smiled for the camera and had cake the entire time thinking “I can do this. There is still a chance that he will be different.” 

As I told Shelby this morning the things you don’t like about someone just get magnified with marriage - when you are bound to spend life with someone. You cannot go into something as serious as marriage thinking that you can change someone - that’s kind of a given, but at 22 I still thought it was possible. 

Jay and I were separated four months later with a quick and easy divorce happening the following year. 

I remember expressing my issues to a co-worker before I got married and her asking me “How do you think it will feel to check ‘divorced’ on a form?” I was so blind about what divorce does to you and at this time in my life it still didn’t do much to me, but it did a bunch to Jay. 

Talk about some guilt I’ve carried -  what I did to him was the worst. He didn’t take things well and our splitting up made his condition worse. About six years ago he contacted me while completing his steps (12 steps) and needed to make amends. Sitting at Starbucks as adults we were able to admit that we both did not have the tools to sustain any kind of a successful relationship. We each held no ill will towards each other, but at the same time there was sadness. I am a strong believer that God knows my path and there are times he lets you go places to learn from - this is one of those areas. 

I wish I could say (and I’ve even lied about it) that I haven’t been married three times, but it’s a fact. If you google me it shows up (not really an indicator of fact, but still). As I went through counseling at the end of this relationship I learned the term codependent. 

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

I had been codependent for years and even after this relationship I struggled with codependency. It’s something that first hit me as offensive, but it is a cycle that I am so glad I have broken. 

So, what do I want you to take from this? 

When something doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right. 

You can’t change people - that’s God’s job. 

Don’t mess with other people’s emotions to get something you want - it will never end well. 

When everyone is telling you that you shouldn’t do something, then you may want to stop and listen. 

A pastor is a wise counsel. They are almost always are coming from a good place (in line with God’s word), so you may want to take their advice seriously. 

And in the end…be yourself, don’t try to keep up with everyone else. You are absolutely perfect just the way you are, on the path that God has for you. 

And remember when you say, “well she’s been married three times, you know what that mean?” that you now know someone who has - do you think that about me? (Does that statement even make sense?)

One last reminder - please don't get married for a wedding. If you want a party where you are the center of attention then throw one...you can even wear a smashing dress, just don't get married for the dress and cake.